Chronic illnesses Cause Depression and Questions Faith

My recent medical woes have put me into a downward spiral into depression. Since I last wrote, add urinary tract infection to the list. The others have stabilized.

I know what depression is.  There are different types. The one I am familiar with is Clinical  I went through it, was on medication and therapy years ago when I was having trouble with Ex.  My therapist had mentioned he was surprised with my long history of chronic illness that I had not been depressed before and sought help before.

However, with his help, medication and my life changing I was fine. Been off antidepressants for years.

So I haven't felt like this in years. Yes, I get depressed and I get out of it. But this time it's lingering and intensifying.

I have that heavy feeling in my chest. I know that sign is not good. I feel like I can cry at a drop of a hat.  I have the major don't wants. I don't care about anything. I am uninterested in the computer, reading etc.

I sit here and look around thinking what I could be doing and what needs to be done. But I just sit.

I know what it is. I know what I should do. But its like I am paralyzed.  I go outside sometimes and I feel a tad better. I try to do the things I should be doing but after a few minutes, I say screw it and stop.

I have been thinking it is the Prednisone and I'm pretty sure it is. But I am finally finished it. I am praying I won't need it again for a while. I am praying this blows over.

I feel so bad because Hubby needs to deal with me. I shut him out. I don't mean to but I do not want to burden him more. He does not deserve me or any of this.

Chronic illnesses don't only affect the person physically. It affects them spiritually, sexually and mentally. Add depression to the mix and you have a monster.

Chronic illnesses also affect that person's relationships. Again, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

I have been so tired lately….of me.  It's not self pity. I am just tired of it. I just want it all to go away.

I pray but then get angry. I try to have faith. It is so hard when you just keep getting slapped back down. There comes a time you just want to stay down.

My friend Jeff has been going through a lot more than I lately. We corresponded recently and we have different problems but it is the same when it comes to if it is not one thing, it is another.

I keep asking why are there really bad people like killers, molesters, mean spirited who don't go through stuff like we do? Those who judge others,. Those who are selfish and self-centered. Those who don't deserve the good things in life because they've destroyed others.

Okay maybe I deserve it but my friend Jeff doesn't. And all those poor kids and people with worse things than me or Jeff? Why do they have to suffer?

We (I'm using 'we' for Jeff and I but it could be any of you) are good people. We try to do good and obey the law. We are compassionate and loving. We don't want or need much but here we are. We keep getting beaten down again and again. If it is not one health problem it is another. If it is not health something else goes wrong. When we are just trying to live a simple life.

If God forgives everyone and our journey of pain and suffering on earth is a path to eternal blissful life with him, why do bad mean spirited people get the same thing? They are bad on earth but they may receive forgiveness at their time of death.

I don't know.

If you have any thoughts do share.

I apologize that this post is all over the place. I just needed to let it out.

Awesome Easter Gift

I hope everyone had a joyous Easter for those who celebrate it.

MyHubbyMyLove and I don't have any set ritual for holidays like Easter, In the past I've bought him Easter Chocolate Easter Bunnies with a card and he has done the same for me. It is not every Easter. I remember one year, we just went to the store after and bought the good stuff that was on sale.

This year I didn't buy anything for him. It just did not cross my mind. My mind has been on my body, like that is anything different. But this pinched nerve, eczema and yeast infection distracted me.

However, MyHubby/MyLove gave me a card and some candy. It was so awesome.  I am not sure if you will be able to read it so I'll just type it. Here is ten reasons why I am better than a Chocolate Bunny according to Hubby's card

10. I have all the sweetness without all the calories.
09. I am a lot more fun to joke around with.
08. He can kiss me without looking silly.
07. I'm a better dancer. (YEA I actually can say I dance better than something LOL!)
06. I am not hollow.
05. No one is allergic to me.
04. My ears can be nibbled forever.
03. I can blink!
02. I am much easier to hug (and not nearly as sticky.)









And the #1 reason  I am better than a chocolate bunny is….

Aint that the truth!!!!  I'm one of a kind. He also gave me some milk chocolate ONE BILLION…yea that's right not one million…but ONE BILLION dollar candy bars

Did I hit the jackpot with this man or what? I thoroughly enjoyed my funny but thoughtful gift.

I treated him to a Picadilly Breakfast Buffet. If you have a Picadilly nearby, I highly recommend the Breakfast Buffet. 

We came home and relaxed for the rest of the day. But every time I looked or thought of my card, I smiled. Amazing how little things in life makes your heart sing.

How did you spend the Easter Holiday?

Mystery Pain Diagnosis

I am tired of seeing doctors. I am tired of needing and taking medicine.

I am tired of spending money on doctors. I am tired of spending money on medications. 

I am tired of my body wearing down. I am tired of hearing, "It could be worse." I am tired of being told yet another ailment is due to my Autoimmune disorder or Cerebral Palsy."

It was my mantra to my doctor yesterday when I finally broke down and went to find out the source of my mystery pain and foot skin problems.

After my mantra he attempted to be empathetic and indicated he understood. No he doesn't. He means well. No one understands. Some people have an idea. But you never know unless you are experiencing it.

As I have told him in the past I get so tired of life. It seems to be too much to wish for one month, much less a year, to be with no new medical woes. When I have finally accepted, and learned to tolerate what I have, another diagnosis is sprung. 

How much more can a person's human body, spiritual and emotional ups and downs take?

Here are the ones I live with day to day: 

Cerebral palsyCP)

Polyglandular Autimmune Disorder Type II (PGA-II) with includes adrenal insufficiency and HYPOthyrodisim, 

Chronic Venous Insufficiency (CVI) 

Gastric reflux disease (GERD), 

C.O.P.D./Asthma/Chronic Bronchitis. 

Add chronic upper respiratory infections, chronic urinary tract infections and bouts of this and that in between, it gets tiring. It gets frustrating. It gets irritating.

He stated the obvious. "As we age, our bodies get worn and tired? I responded, "My body has been through the wringer and back. And he came back with, "But you are still here and that's good."

My first fleeting thought was 'Really'?

But I slightly processed his response for a few second, then declared, " I should not be alive. At age 30, I honestly did not think I would live to be 51. "

Encouragingly he responded, "But you are. Something wants you to be here. It could be worse."

I told him I know but I don't want to hear that. I am so tired of hearing.  He knows me so well he let it rest.

I reminded him I fought all these years because I wanted to make sure BabyGirl had her mother until she was at least out of high school which God answered that prayer plus more. I am actually going to be alive to see her graduate college unless something unknowing comes up and I die.  I know she can now live her life if something should happen to me. She was always my rock. She was the sole reason to keep going and fight it through,  I know now she will he able to survive if God finally takes me.

He was genuinely listening to me and I saw concern on his face.

I reassured him that I am not in the suicide mode, then jokingly added I get in the mode from time to time and  wish he would give me something just to give me a peaceful death.

After reiterating the purpose of his oath he took in saving lives, he questioned of the possibility of the need of an antidepressant. 

Smiling, I said, "Doc, did you not hear my mantra?!" 

He then sighed and started examining me. Yea, he knows the time to quit.

 I have another yucky wet rash on my foot. The heel is wet and raw. I want to scream when I put in water, Actually, Hubby was in bathroom with me when my foot hit the water, I was hanging onto the shower rail barely hopping on one foot raving using unladylike expletives along with "OW OW Ooh" Remember, I have limited balance on two feet much less one. THANK GOD we have a shower seat. As soon as my butt hit the seat I only had to contend with the bottom of foot not getting wet.

I have been having to walk on my tiptoes. (Sorry MOM & DAD! I know you paid for surgeries to not do that very thing! Hopefully, it is temporary.)

A few days ago I plucked off what seemed to be another layer of skin that had grown. It was ABSOLUTELY GROSS.  When I stepped it hurt and itched. 

It feels like I'm walking on a spiked lily pad.  

Just one week ago, I had finished a regimen of Prednisone Doc sent over the phone for what we thought was a recurrence of Hand and Foot Disease  I have had 3 times in the last 9 months.

I love him because he is down to earth.  When he looked at my foot he grimaced like I do when I look at it. I have to use a mirror because I can't move my foot in the position to see it.  This time he said it is Eczema which is associated with my immune disorder, asthma, hay fever and C.O.P.D.

"BIG SHRUG AND SIGH" BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! ARGH!!

We then turned to my mystery pain. The mystery pain has waxed and waned.

In addition, one night I had severe chest pain but not like a heart attack. At first I thought it was pleurisy or I fractured a rib from coughing. (I have done that before!)  It was excruciating pain. It nearly immobilized me. It hurt when I moved. It hurt when I exhaled. It hurt when I laughed. (Of course Hubby would inadvertently make me laugh.)

Then there was a different night when my right eye had a tic. It went on for two days but disappeared just as fast as it appeared. The tic came in a series of 10 tics in 20 seconds. Yes, I counted and timed it.

Doc pulled, pushed and squeezed my arms and neck. He succeeded in making the dull pain I had worse. He said the pain could be from a number of things. He rattled off arthritis, herniated discs, Pinched nerve, spine spurs, and degenerative disease,

His best guess without tests is a pinched nerve and arthritis. I had already suspected some arthritis. 

Here is a simple explanation. We have nerves throughout our bodies. Nerves are surrounded by connective tissue, muscles, bones, cartilages and tendons. Sometimes too much pressure on these squeezes causing a pinched nerve. In my case, I have tight muscles from my CP, and something happened that my muscles are clamping on the nerve. Maybe I moved wrong or laid on it wrong. Or my muscles are just tightening more with  the age process. He also thinks the arthritis may also be from my CP.

Exasperated shaking my head, t "No! No! No!  Don't say that! I am on a CP group and I read many people have arthritis and such because of the long term effects of CP. I only have a mild case and was relieved I didn't have to deal with that although I had compassion for them. I don't want to be another statistic!"

He continued to remind me that the way I walk and stand puts more pressure on my body and I've done so well but things change. He apologized for having to give me that news. 

It actually makes perfect sense. 

It'll take time to accept it.

Sort of resolved, I asked him the treatment of all my acute medical woes. He gave me another regimen of Prednsione. Good thing is it should help both my eczema and maybe help inflammation in my joints and muscles I may have. He also gave me a prescribed cortisone cream. (It hurt like hell to put it on but the itching is gone, for now.). He showed me some stretch exercises for my head, neck and arm I can do sitting down. He said a massage could work. I said I love massages but I have to pay him and for my meds and after that my pocket book is too low to pay for that luxury. We agreed Medicare wouldn't pay for it.  However, I can get one free, my Hubby loves me that much! I also need to get back on my Wii Fitness. I used to take Yoga but it is too darn expensive here and the hours suck.

The last thing he suggested was trying a gluten free diet told me things I don't eat on gluten diet. I blurted, "Geez doc! That's what is making me gain and sustain my weight. No rice? Seriously?"

He informed me to take it slow and there are products that are gluten free. I commented,"Yea and as always healthier isalways more expensive. To take something out of a product costs more." He concurred and said, "Think about it." We knew we could have discussed this further but I think he was afraid it would send me further in my downward spiral at that moment.

I have and researched. I'll see what I can do. "SIGH"

Sorry this is long but I had to get it all in. But now we all know what is possibly the problem, I have the drugs and exercises. All we can do is wait and see.

Doesn't Anyone Have Any Invitation Etiquette Anymore?

I was taught if I wanted to invite someone to an event, I needed to gather up all of the names (first and last) and their addresses. If I didn't know their addresses I had to call them or find out another way. Then I had to Address an envelope for EACH INDIVIDUAL unless they lived in the same household.

Maybe etiquette is lost on most people nowadays.

My mom received an invitation with my name, my sister and  her names. My sister and I have not lived with our parents for YEARS.

Mom said the invite was to a couple's baby shower. There was no last name except for what appears to be the hostess. It instantly through my mom off. My mom couldn't think of who the shower was for because there was no last name to the persons the shower was given for.  I have a guess who it is but why should I have to guess?

We also know many people by those (First) names.

They had my married name so that tells me they probably have seen me on Facebook. So why couldn't they ask me for my address?

Also she received the invitation yesterday, the shower is this weekend. There was a RSVP as well. That was a little last minute eh?

I don't know why but it perturbed me. MyHubby said they may be trying to save on stamps. I said well if I am not worth the value of a stamp they don't deserve my presence. Or if they would have just emailed my invitation would have been better. Not the best thing but better.

What do you think about having three different households on one invitation, especially when a few haven't even lived at the residence for 20+ years? How close do you think an invitation should be given before the event?

Cerebral Palsy Speech: URB NOT HERB

I've written on occasion about the effects Cerebral Palsy has on my speech. 

I had speech therapy from the time I was able to talk through 6th grade. I was so relieved when I was informed that I didn't have to endure it through high school.  My speech was going to be as good as it was thanks to my speech therapist.

My speech therapist was Mrs Ackal. She was so patient and kind  She would come to the school once a week armed with all kinds of goodies to give to her students for our efforts. She had Mom and I make flash cards of the alphabet and certain phonic sounds with velvett cloth. Mom and I went through the flash cards ever night. Mrs Ackal would have her students close their eyes and feel the letters and say what they were. She taught me how to  move my tongue correctly to articulate my words and sounds to the best of how my brain allowed.

Some of the other kids who did not need speech therapy verbalized how "lucky" I was and how they wished they could get out of class like I did.  Unbeknowst to them I was working just as hard. It also made me feel more of an outcast.

I don't have any speech therapy records but I have seen "dyspraxia" and"articulation" problems in doctor's notes.

  

Dyspraxia is understanding language, but due to muscle coordination there is an inability to consistently and correctly pronounce words. Thankfully, I have only a few of those.

MEMORABILIA is one. My CP brain freezes or gets jumbled.  I want to say Memorable, which does not come out right either  or some off the wall version. The "or" is the culprit. I ask the person who I am talking with to say it then I try.  I have found I'll try 1-3 times because there is that rare occasion the brain cooperates and I can say it. But other times, I laugh and say, "That's it!" Or with Hubby I'll tell him to say it.

Articulation is adding or omitting required sounds, distorting sounds. I would sound out c instead of z. 

Speech therapy was not my favorite thing to do at that time.  I now know it has helped. I continue to have some articulation problems and people who do not know me tend to not understand me as well. I learned although that is frustrating at times because I feel I am talking clearly, the most important thing is the important people in my life do.

Yesterday Hubby and I were talking and I was saying HERBS but as you know the pronunciation is URBS. MyHubby smiled and looked at me. I kept saying HERBS but in the back of my mind I had fleeting thoughts that it did not sound right. After a few more mispronunciations Hubby gently corrected me. The bell went off in my brain. 

I tend to forget the ways CP affects me. When something like that happens I usually don't think that it happens specifically from the CP. I rarely use my Cerebral Palsy as an excuse, except in fun sometimes, like yesterday I thought it was the only feasible way to explain why URBS would not articulate in my brain. Maybe there is a lapse somewheres between my brain and mouth. 

I did something I hardly do, I blamed it on my Cerebral Palsy! I think it was the only feasible logical reason..don't you?

April Fool's Prank

Hello My Dearest Followers!

I hope this finds you well. I think Spring is FINALLY here. Our winter was a rough one for the area I live. I know those of you who live North, had it worse.  I hope everyone was able to get through it.

I've been okay. This past week, it seems that Hand, Mouth, Hand disorder attacked again. However, only my hand and foot are involved. Have you ever itched so bad that it hurts and you just want to scratch your skin off? That's how I have been. I put Cortisone cream and it helped only a little.

Good news is my family doctor finally sent me some more Prednisone. Hopefully, I'm on the road to non itching recovery!

As some of you know, unless you are living under a rock, today is April Fool's Day.

When BabyGirl was growing up, she tried pranking me, several times on that day. It got really irritating and old by the end of the day. I used to prank my ex and got him good!

There's this particular time I will always remember. I realize now it was a very cruel prank.

He was at work and I called him. I led him to believe that we were in a car accident and BabyGirl was in critical condition. I had him panicking for 2-3 minutes then I said, "April Fool's!' He was royally ticked off, justifiably so!

My family even said that was so wrong and thereafter I agreed. I felt bad for days.

What was the worse April Fool's prank you did or was done to you?