Friday, March 11, 2011

Addendum To Earlier Post

Well, my pain has lessened but you know that you know something is just at the surface? That pinch is at the surface but much better. I just need to watch how I turn and bend. 

However, I developed a red patch on my back. MyLove said it looked like a rash. My Daughter said it was bumpy and welts. When I feel it, its all bumpy and it hurts and itches.

When I noticed the bump, it was after I returned from my six month check-up from my pulmonologist. I mentioned the pain and he threw out it could be degenerative bone disease. He is a wonderful pulmonologist but just diagnosising the pain without thorougly examining it just caused me to change the subject.  But he was able to give me good news. My pulmonary function had steadily decreased every year for the past year and we couldn't understand why. Well this check up, my function went up two points..Woooo!

He's worried about my weight as my primary doctor but we're at a standstill. Pulmonologist said, "I guess your body is just saying you are suppose to be small." I disagreed. Grant you I'm small, 5' and I like my ideal weight to be 95-100 but once I got sick about 2 years ago, and lost weight to 75 lbs I can't seem to get it back up.

Anyway back to my rash. I looked it up on Web MD and various websites and the diagnosis I came up with was shingles. .I emailed my aunt who I remembered having shingles at one time and the way she described it, it was half of my symptoms. So who in heck knows. If it doesn't clear I'll have to see doc.

It will suck if I have shingles because my cancelled writing class last year is starting Tuesday. I'm going to be royall pissed off if I have to cancel going.

For some reason I've been having lonesomeness from my daughter. She lives in the same city, goes to college, works and lives with roomies. She comes about every 1-2 weeks to do her laundry and spend time with me. Most of the times, she crashes out in MyLove's chair. And that's okay. It's just knowing she is here with me. She slept for 2 hours out of the 9 hours she was here. This was an unsually long stay for her. We talked, watched NCIS and did things we used to do when it was just her and I.

I still get that hurt in my heart feeling like I lost something when she decided to live with her dad a couple of years after we were divorced. She and I still saw each other but it was like she was taken away from me.She was by the infatuation of it being better there because of better living (pool, more family members in house, he gave her freedom I wouldn't give her because I was protecting her.) which is still up for grabs rather it was the best thing for her or not. However, she was of age to decide according to the courts.

When I think that awful period, it still hurts my heart like glass piercing. I pray to God to help me through and he has given her back in other ways. It's a different situation but I am feeling that closeness that we had lost for a while. When she says, "MOM, I love you and thank you for everything you do for me and believing in me."  My heart cries of gratitude and love to God for giving her to me and making her realize I do love her and believe in her. I hope to live to see her get that college diploma and become a success in helping others.

When I hand her my cash I have on me or write her a check she used to ask and cry. Once we had talked becase she kept asking me what it was for and we would just cry before I could answer. So I thought one day how I can relate to her that I don't need thanks or a reason to give her anything, its because I can now and want to.  I reminded her how her papa used to give her that bag of change  or her granny would slip me or/and  her a few dollars without knowing it actually either kept our electrcity on, or gave us money to feed us for a week. (Please, aunts and cousins who my blogs are sent to keep this to yourself and not mention to my parents.) I told her I knew her daddy was giving minimum if any when she was living with them and she and I both know how hard it is.I I know it is not easy out on your own and she is working, studying and trying to make ends meet.  I told her from then on, unless I write a memo on the check or tell her it is for something like her tuition etc, its hers to use as she sees fit. I told her since we both so damn emotional, she doesn't have to verbalize thank you, a hug will do. It has been a Godsend because although we don't say it, we are still remembering those bleak times when we were barely making it and that's why we cry.

I believe she is barely making it. I told her never to hesitate to ask me if she needed anything (But I know she won't, she is like her mom, too damn stubborn). I'm not rich. I am on a fixed income. MyLove  and I have our arrangments as we both agreed NEVER to combine our finances. We've had bad experiences with our exes. But after I pay my bills and put some in the bank and if nothing comes up I give her what I have left.

I believe that is what a parent should do. Help their child until they get their career and get started in their life. That's what my parents did with me when I got out of high school.

Oh wow its almost midnight. I better visit the sandman before I turn into a pumpkin.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

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