Valentine's Day

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Valentine's Day!

May those who have a special someone have an awesome day. It's a day to remind each other how much you love one another. It doesn't have to be a gift-giving occasion.

For those who have loved ones that have passed away, remember God has his arms wrapped around you while your loved one is smiling down on you. Big hugs to you from me.

For those who have never found anyone special to love or to love them, maybe there is someone out there for you taking their sweet old time to get to you or God has other plans for you. Remember HE loves you!

To everyone else, all my family, friends including blogger friends……


HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Hubby and I are going dine at a local restaurant here in the boonies. Yes, we have a few of those here.

I bought him a lighthearted card and box of candy. He says when I give a card, it is always serious. Hence, the lighthearted card.

Since I was still in my dreams, we didn't see each other this morning so I don't know if or what he got me.

What did you do on Valentines Day? How did your loved one show you how much you mean to them?

Here I am, Elmer Fudd

First, I know I have not been participating in commenting on your blogs, those who I follow. But I am reading them! Ya'll rock!

As you may have figured out by this post, I like video games.

I love shooting games and in the past month, Hubby has bought me several for the Wii and PS3. I'm getting used to them and having fun.

He found a great deal for a game, Carabella Africa and the gun with it. So he decided to buy it. By the way, we only buy used games so we are not spending megabucks we don't have.

We get home and opened the box. I held it up like I'd be shooting.

He blurts out laughing saying, "You remind me of Elmer Fudd without the hat." He imitated me with his hands up like he is aiming a gun,"Where's that wabbit??"

I was sorta confused until he explained. Then I burst out laughing too.

Sometimes I'll be doing something just normal but he'll laugh or smile. I ask him what is so funny? He just says"You. Some things you say or do is just funny." I become perplexed sometimes.

I remember once he laughed at something I did and I LET it hurt my feelings until I realized he wasn't teasing or insulting me.  He says sometimes the way I say something is cute or funny.

So I figured if I can make him laugh, that's all that counts! I know we adore and love each other immensely.

Do you do something to make your loved one laugh that makes you wonder sometimes?

On A Mission: Helping a Friend Find Love

I will be starting a mission soon. I know it is an out of ordinary mission. Some of you will say, "WHHHAATT?" Please say prayers that it will be accomplished.

I have talked about one of my best friends, Jeff. He is divorced and has been alone for a while now. His kids are grown and on their own. He served in the military and was injured. He is on disability. He has multiple problems such as diabetes, chronic pain, asthma, extreme shyness and  panic attacks in crowds. He walks with a cane. He lives in Illinois and the girl will have to move there if it becomes serious.

We both were single at the same time and I finally found that special someone. I want the same for him so desperately.

He's had one woman who moved in with him . But it did not work out. It seems he tries to find someone online but the results are mostly scam artists and overseas. He had an online 'relationship' for a long time with one woman who was from overseas but she disappeared.

So my mission is to find someone for him. I will be the one trying to sort out the psychos before they waste his time or breaks his heart.

He approves this so I am not doing it behind his back. Actually, I offered for years with him declining. I totally respected his wishes. However, he has finally said yes!!

Here's my tentative plan. It will certainly be trial and error.

I will make a different email just for this. He will have access to it.

Then I will make a profile to post on some dating websites. I am still thinking of how I am going to do it. I am researching.

I am asking you my friends and bloggers, if you know of a woman who is looking for love and you think she will like my friend and eventually love him and spend the rest of their life with him please tell them about this mission.

Also if you have any suggestions I am opened to them. Wish me good luck!

BabyBear and She-Wolf

MammaBear has a duty to protect her cub especially when they are threatened by a Big Bad She-Wolf. In this post I will refer to Mamma's cub as BabyBear.

You see BabyBear loved the Big Bad She-Wolf. BabyBear's broken heart was not enough for Big Bad She-Wolf. She-wolf seems to have the need to dig her claws deeper and deeper.  

MammaBear could see who She-Wolf really was. She-Wolf acted holier than thou.  Spoke constantly without saying anything at all. User. Rude. Manipulator. And that my friends are only a few. 

But She-Wolf made BabyBear happy. BabyBear knew how MammaBear felt but love is blind. BabyBear is like her MammaBear, always want to see the good in everything and everyone. BabyBear gave She-wolf her ALL:  Friendship, love, loyalty, trust and probably more things than MammaBear has no business knowing.

Then from what MammaBear understands the She-wolf decided she needed to let BabyBear go so She-Wolf can grow up more.  It was a rather amicable break up. It tore at MammaBear's heart strings to hear BabyBear sobbing but was confidant that BabyBear would be fine. BabyBear was picking herself up and moving on. She is strong that way.

(Side note: It came to attention that She-Wolf had another victim within weeks if not days)

Then BabyBear gets a message from She-Wolf insinuating that she could ruin BabyBear. The audacity of this BITCH. (She-wolf is synonymous with BITCH, look it up if there is any doubt.).

When BabyBear told MammaBear, MammaBear's first reaction was, "Who in the hell does she think she is?" God? Really??? Ohhhh...MammaBear was not happy!

MammaBear became angry and roared. She wanted to run to She-Wolf and claw her, bite her, eat her and then spit her out. She wanted She-wolf to pay for all the pain she has caused her BabyBear.

But MammaBear didn't because she knew her and BabyBear was way better than the She-Wolf. They would not go to the Bitch's level.

As days went by every time MammaBear thought of how She-Wolf threatened BabyBear she began to wonder: Hurting her was one thing but threatening..whole different story.

Again, Who the hell did She-Wolf think it was? Oh that's right! She has a self absorbed narcissistic view of herself.

What makes her think she has that kind of leverage on anyone else, let alone BabyBear? She obviously does not know BabyBear like she think she does.

How can She-Wolf say that to someone or even think it, especially to someone who she supposedly loved and cared for? 

Why would she even say it? 

Oh that is right, we're talking about the narcissistic, manipulating, hurtful Bitch.

MammaBear's advice to BabyBear was to move on. Stop all communication with She-Wolf. And always remember she is a good Bear. She has a heart of gold and deserves so much better.  

The End.

Just When My Life Was Moving Along Happily

I keep meaning to write, actually I have drafts and just can't seem to finish them. I wanted to write all about my Vegas trip and just not in the mood.

It seems every time I am happy and things seem to be going right, something goes wrong. I thought 2012 was going to be so much better. Afterall, I got married to MyLove, we have new cars not to worry about, my health issues can be stabilized if I am a good patient  etc.

However, I was hit with something so unexpected. BabyGirl told me that she is planning on moving 100 miles away to her girlfriend's parents home in May. She has been transferring her college and work to there. She was going to tell me before I left for my trip but she didn't want to ruin my trip.

I have cried so much. I am not quite understanding why.. At first, it was that I felt like she was leaving me again. As days passed I have been able to think. Still have not pinpointed my emotions.

I know it is rough for her financially and stress. But she has options, move in with me, move in her dad, stay at the dorm etc. But she is moving  in with her girlfriend's FAMILY.  I think if she would have said her and her girlfriend was finding a place and moving in togehter, I think I would have been able to swallow it better. But to move in with her girlfriend's family? Geez. 

If I lived with my parents I I would have not even thought about asking them if my boyfriend could move in. They would have thought I was crazy! And if Babygirl was living here and she would have asked if her girlfriend could have moved in, I would have thought her crazy.

Her reasoning for moving shows how she is still immature in so many ways. I understand they had not been able to see each other and all that love stuff but dammit her focus should be on COLLEGE. She is only 19. Her opportunities are endless here, she just needs to grab it. The college she will be transferring to is not as good for the major she is working towards. She loses her scholarhip. She says she can get others and grants.

We all want the BEST for our kids. I know I raised her right and she is going to do what she wants. As the days go by I keep coming up with reasons why she should not make that mistake. But I've written her a letter and she knows where I stand.

I have been asking myself, what could I have done better. I have this unrational feeling of blaming myself..

Ever since I have left her father, she has not had her feet planted on the ground. She left me and moved to her dad's a few years later and as soon as she got there, she counted the days to get out of there. When she finally moved out, it was into an apartment for a semester with a roommate she didn't know well.. Then she again moved to another apartment with a different room mate. Now she is moving 100 miles away.

It's a pattern, she doesn't like something, she moves.without even thinking of the people around her involved. I don't mean just me.

I know I can't stop her. I know she is making a mistake and has to learn from it. I know it is her choice.

I am beginning to resent her girlfriend. I love her and accepted this relationship. However, I have to wonder who initiated this "BRIGHT" idea. I always considered her girlfriend a little more mature and responsible but I have to admit, that consideration is going down the tubes rapidly. I know it is unfair because in the end it is Babygirl's decision.
  
I started thinking about love and relationships. Here is something I came up with. 

If YOU really love someone, you want the very BEST for him/her You will do anything for them even if it is meant to put your heart on hold. You sacrifice when you know it is best for your loved one. You support them in what is BEST for YOUR loved one, NOT yourself. There are long distance relationships that thrive.  After your loved one has the opportunity to do what is BEST for them, if it is meant to be, it will be. Prove that you really love that person by allowing them to take that opportunity, even if if it hurts. Realize when your loved one accomplishes their goal with your support, it could make the love you have stronger.


Does this make any sense at all? Or am I just babbling?


I've cried and thought about this so much I am tired of thinking about it.

 

Addendum To Earlier Post

Well, my pain has lessened but you know that you know something is just at the surface? That pinch is at the surface but much better. I just need to watch how I turn and bend. 

However, I developed a red patch on my back. MyLove said it looked like a rash. My Daughter said it was bumpy and welts. When I feel it, its all bumpy and it hurts and itches.

When I noticed the bump, it was after I returned from my six month check-up from my pulmonologist. I mentioned the pain and he threw out it could be degenerative bone disease. He is a wonderful pulmonologist but just diagnosising the pain without thorougly examining it just caused me to change the subject.  But he was able to give me good news. My pulmonary function had steadily decreased every year for the past year and we couldn't understand why. Well this check up, my function went up two points..Woooo!

He's worried about my weight as my primary doctor but we're at a standstill. Pulmonologist said, "I guess your body is just saying you are suppose to be small." I disagreed. Grant you I'm small, 5' and I like my ideal weight to be 95-100 but once I got sick about 2 years ago, and lost weight to 75 lbs I can't seem to get it back up.

Anyway back to my rash. I looked it up on Web MD and various websites and the diagnosis I came up with was shingles. .I emailed my aunt who I remembered having shingles at one time and the way she described it, it was half of my symptoms. So who in heck knows. If it doesn't clear I'll have to see doc.

It will suck if I have shingles because my cancelled writing class last year is starting Tuesday. I'm going to be royall pissed off if I have to cancel going.

For some reason I've been having lonesomeness from my daughter. She lives in the same city, goes to college, works and lives with roomies. She comes about every 1-2 weeks to do her laundry and spend time with me. Most of the times, she crashes out in MyLove's chair. And that's okay. It's just knowing she is here with me. She slept for 2 hours out of the 9 hours she was here. This was an unsually long stay for her. We talked, watched NCIS and did things we used to do when it was just her and I.

I still get that hurt in my heart feeling like I lost something when she decided to live with her dad a couple of years after we were divorced. She and I still saw each other but it was like she was taken away from me.She was by the infatuation of it being better there because of better living (pool, more family members in house, he gave her freedom I wouldn't give her because I was protecting her.) which is still up for grabs rather it was the best thing for her or not. However, she was of age to decide according to the courts.

When I think that awful period, it still hurts my heart like glass piercing. I pray to God to help me through and he has given her back in other ways. It's a different situation but I am feeling that closeness that we had lost for a while. When she says, "MOM, I love you and thank you for everything you do for me and believing in me."  My heart cries of gratitude and love to God for giving her to me and making her realize I do love her and believe in her. I hope to live to see her get that college diploma and become a success in helping others.

When I hand her my cash I have on me or write her a check she used to ask and cry. Once we had talked becase she kept asking me what it was for and we would just cry before I could answer. So I thought one day how I can relate to her that I don't need thanks or a reason to give her anything, its because I can now and want to.  I reminded her how her papa used to give her that bag of change  or her granny would slip me or/and  her a few dollars without knowing it actually either kept our electrcity on, or gave us money to feed us for a week. (Please, aunts and cousins who my blogs are sent to keep this to yourself and not mention to my parents.) I told her I knew her daddy was giving minimum if any when she was living with them and she and I both know how hard it is.I I know it is not easy out on your own and she is working, studying and trying to make ends meet.  I told her from then on, unless I write a memo on the check or tell her it is for something like her tuition etc, its hers to use as she sees fit. I told her since we both so damn emotional, she doesn't have to verbalize thank you, a hug will do. It has been a Godsend because although we don't say it, we are still remembering those bleak times when we were barely making it and that's why we cry.

I believe she is barely making it. I told her never to hesitate to ask me if she needed anything (But I know she won't, she is like her mom, too damn stubborn). I'm not rich. I am on a fixed income. MyLove  and I have our arrangments as we both agreed NEVER to combine our finances. We've had bad experiences with our exes. But after I pay my bills and put some in the bank and if nothing comes up I give her what I have left.

I believe that is what a parent should do. Help their child until they get their career and get started in their life. That's what my parents did with me when I got out of high school.

Oh wow its almost midnight. I better visit the sandman before I turn into a pumpkin.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

To Marry Or Not To Marry

To Marry or Not To Marry

My Love and I have been living together going on four years When we met it had been a few years since our divorce from others and we were not ready at all. We knew we wanted to be together but we saw no reason to marry.

I was terrified and still am. I was married 24 years before I divorced my ex. After 10 years, our marriage just fell apart. I have my theories why but won't get into them now.

My Love and I have mentioned it and discussed it some from time to time.

I would love to get married to him. I do plan on spending the rest of my life with him.

Just recently he brought up marriage again. I didn't take it well the way he said it. We were discussing medical and dental. He said we could get married and I'd be on his insurance without any waiting period. I got defensive and just dropped the subject.

Here are my thoughts:

Religion: We're both Catholic. I was married in a Catholic church so in order to marry My Love in a Catholic Church I would have to get my other marriage annulled which means a lot of red tape and money. We don't need to get married in church we've decided. If we marry by Justice of the Peace, we're still not looked at as married in the Catholic Church's 'laws.” So in the religious aspect, according to the church, we are doomed. I believe that God loves us and wants the best for us. I think THE CHURCH as in POPE and whoever else makes the rules are way behind the times.

Financially: Well we decided to leave our income/expenses as they are now. Separate. Been there/done that with the uniting financially after marriage and I will never do it again. However as far as wills or deaths, it would be easier to for the us to be spouses to go through the legal aspects. I could get on his dental/medical insurance and it wouldn't be so financially straining on me.

Children: He never had kids and he does not want any. I have one and can't have any more. We're too old to think about adopting.

Parents: I know my mom would feel a relief as well as his concerning the religious aspect. My mom and dad would be happy for us and probably relieved that I have someone with me. They love Randal. His mom would probably have that sense of relief as well. I know she has issues regarding my disability but I think its from ignorance more than anything else.

I've secretly wished for about a year when a holiday comes around he would ask me. I want him to ask me to marry him because he loves me not because he feels it is time or for the insurance. I won't bring it up because I want him to come up with it himself.

I was reading an article on Tango that prompted me to write this. I've been thinking a lot about it.

The title of the article was “If He Really Wants to Marry You, He'll Put a Ring On it.” The author used Hugh Hefner situation as an example and it made me think. The girl he spent 7 years with wanted to get married but he kept saying no so she left. Two years later, he decided to get married.

It says that most women believe men are not ready to be married so they wait. However, they say if he wants to MARRY you, they will know it and do it. I understand men and women reach that place different times but the question is how long do you wait to realize they actually do NOT want to marry YOU.

I dated this man and God I loved him. We didn't want marriage at the time but I did want a monogamous relationship with him. He kept saying he wasn't ready and honestly told me he didn't know when or if he would ever be ready. I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and moved on. Unsurprisingly, a few weeks ago he wrote that he thought he was ready for a monogamous relationship. I thought you Goddamn SOB! I was willing to give him the moon and stars.

So I don't know. My Love knows I love him and told him that I wasn't going anywhere. The thought occurred to me that when he brings it up, he might be testing me and trying to figure it out if I want to.

I do want to get married..for the right reasons.

Thanksgiving/Weird Dream

Thanksgiving, weird dream

I meant to copy/paste this from my LJ yesterday but got distracted so here it is from yesterday.

 

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, since my daughter was going to Houma to be with her friend, I decided that she and I go eat somewheres. We invited my friend/cousin to come along. Layla picked Olive Garden

If you love chocolate, you HAVE to try the Triple Chocolate Stratta. That piece of cake is one of the best chocolate cakes I've eaten. Of course the entrees were delicious as usual.

We went to my Love's brother's home and had the traditional turkey dinner (lunch). It was delicious. His mom makes this pecan pie that is out of this world. I never cared for pecan pie until I ate hers.

After lunch which was also delicious, we watched Eat, Pray and Love. It was an okay movie. I rather the book. Then we watched the edge of the seats Saints vs. Cowboys game. The Saints never fail to keep their fans on the edge of their seats. But they came through! WHO DAT?!!

We came home and I read for a bit. I am reading P.S. I Love You. I cried the first chapter but I'm better now that I'm 3/4 through LOL. I went to bed with a headache and woke up with one. It was weird morning/night.

I remember waking up with Randal on top of me (No, NOT THATT). He was telling me bye before he left for work. I remember his warm body on mine holding me while I was  thinking I need to wake up to hug him too and tell him I loved him  but just couldn't. He evidentally left me and I went back to sleep. (This did happen for in case you wonder after reading about my dream LOL) Then I woke up at 6:30 because nature was calling then I thought, "Crap, I'm so tired. Why am I so tired?, crawled back under the covers grabbing Randal's side as well and drifted off to sleep.

I keep dreaming weird dreams. In this dream I was living in a house. The outside looked like my Granny's  old house on the island  and inside was my childhood best friend's MJ's home, also on the island. It was chaotic. My mom kept telling me to "Come on! Lets get out of here!" I thought, "I can't. I can't do it.". There was a mixture of scenes as I looked out the window. One area was two men shooting at each other with pistols. Another area was some army tanks coming through. Then yet another area there were ambulances with sirens andl lights. Nearby was a calm park with kids laughing and playing on the swings.

My mom kept telling me something (I don't remember) and i kept saying "This is a dream. Get me out of this dream". I was crying and it seemed like everything was happening over and over. I felt this terror in my dream like something was going wrong. Then in my dream I woke up and told mom it was a dream. She said, "No, its not!" and then.... I REALLY WOKE UP.

Do I really want to analyze this dream? NAHH..Its still reeling in my head.