I'm Struggling to Figure Out What I Want To Do

I am struggling to figure out what God is trying to tell me. I get excited about things then when I look into it, there is always an obstacle or something happens that makes me think is this really for me?

Maybe I don't have as much confidence in myself than I thought.  

Maybe that one thing is really NOT for me. 

I feel like I know what I want to do but I can't seem to get there. 

So glad my mom is not reading this because she would bop me in the head (Not really but you know what I mean) and say something like "can't' is not in your vocabulary.

Here's a brief summary.

I signed up to be a volunteer, went through the background check, referrals and waited for this meeting.  I was expecting to walk out of there knowing exactly what I will be doing and start from there.

However, that was not the case. I sat for two hours listening to the speaker. He did give us guidance and pointers but it wasn't what I expected.

Then he said we had to pray on it for 7-10 days  or however long it takes while reading the booklet that gives details and then if we decide if this is what I want to do, to fill out the application and return it to him. He did say if we had any questions to call for an appointment.

I thought wait a minute, I go through the process of becoming a volunteer and now I need to fill out yet another application for this department. I may or may not be selected. I can take rejection so that isn't the problem. It's just becoming more complicated than I thought.

I totally understand they need to make sure we are capable of doing it. As he went through some of the few details he touched on, I'm like OMG I want to do it but can I do it?

He gave each of us an application for in case we want to do it.  I don't like one of the question because although it is a yes or no question. I need to elaborate on that answer. Maybe it is not a necessity but I feel like I want to defend that answer. But is my defense justifiable?

When I started this process I looked at my options and this option from the start was iffy. However, I've had several people tell me with my experiences of life I would be ideal for this.

I am trying to figure if God is telling me to do this and I am just not listening and it is why I am struggling.

Or Maybe my first instinct was right and I need to sway from that area and move on to another area?

Spontaneous Written Poem

I woke up this morning and had this need to write what I am feeling. I didn't work with it like I usually do for days for it to come out just right.  You'll see when you read it. If anyone has any suggestions for the title (I am terrible at titling), I would be so grateful. 

Oh and one more thing! No worries. I am NOT contemplating on committing suicide etc. 

Suffering is the journey to eternal bliss
Or so they say.
But isn't their any other way?

The BLACK hole once again appears.
It PUSHES on my chest.
It PARALYZES my mind.
It FORMS lumps in my throat.
It IMMOBILIZES s my body.
It makes people around me worried.

I KNOW what it is!
I WANT to fight i!.
I HAVE to fight it!
I HATE it!

I talk to God every day.
I ask for strength to able to close the hole.
Or give me a sign to show me the way.
But sometimes talking to him is like talking to a pole.

From experience I know he will answer in one way or another, in due time
In the meantime I will continue to love HIM like no other.

As I know he is with me..seen him three times, at the last minute, changing his mind

I want to see him again with opened arms.
But not turn me away. once again!

Give me the trip to eternal bliss with my one-way ticket!

Written by Justlittlecajunme