Blogging A to Z Challenge-Letter H

Hospice

I wrote this post a few weeks ago after I visited my first patient as a Hospice Volunteer. I had been restless for years and missed my nursing although its been about 20 years. I had tried being a Big Sister  at Big Brothers and Big Sisters but nothing every worked out. I think they sincerely looked for a match but just couldn't find one. 

I prayed and searched for something to do to help others. My Mom has been a Hospice Volunteer for over 10 years and she suggested maybe I could look into it. I was hesitant but eventually I went to an inservice.  During the presentations I became excited and thought this may be the answer.  There are so many ways to volunteer and they didn't seem to be pushy and overwhelming. The Volunteer Coordinator is such a sweetheart. Everyone I've met has been welcoming and warm.

After a few months of waiting I was finally assigned to  my new patient. I ok'd this post with my volunteer coordinator. As long as I don't use names or specifics I am okay I can share my experience. 

A frail white-haired elderly lady (She will be called Sweetie) was sitting up in a hospital bed unsteadily holding an emesis basin to her chin. Her oxygen cannula was dangling out of one nostril. Her breathing was labored. Tears were flowing down her cheeks from bloodshot eyes. Her skin was pale and her emaciated body was covered with a red and white flowered comforter. 

My nursing instincts kicked in. I increased my step to her bedside. I offered to help her hold the emesis basin. She looked at me curiously as she shakily pushed the emesis basin to me. I found a tissue and dabbed at her tears.

The nausea seemed to have passed after a few minutes. I then introduced myself as a volunteer from the local Hospice. After telling her I was there for her, I asked her if she wanted me to stay. A nurse walked in at that moment as Sweetie said no. But the nurse reiterated what I said. Sweetie's eyes got big as it registered and said breathlessly, "Oh, okay." I guess she did not understand me the first time, which is nothing new.

She offered me to sit on the bed with her. She was having trouble talking and seemed anxious. I helped her put her nasal cannula back on.

For those who don't know what a nasal cannula is. It is an oxygen mask but there are only two prongs for the nostrils instead of a mask covering most of the face.

I gently told her she did not have to say a word. I just wanted to be there for her. I wanted her to be comfortable. But if she needed anything to just say so.

She smiled. I could tell she was uncomfortable physically but I did not want to make her talk asking her questions. I reminded myself that silence is golden and I'm there just to be present if nothing else, what I was taught in training.

I wanted to wrap her in my arms and hold her. My heart became heavy.

I told her to nod yes or no if was okay if I held her hand. She nodded yes.

I held her hand.  I rubbed it gently with my other. There was a comfortable silence between us.

She was restless. Her eyes would flutter shut like she was going to fall asleep but then it seemed she was fighting sleep and her eyes would fly open.

She started sharing a little bit about her family dozing between. She also moaned as she held her stomach. She said she was hurting so bad the night before that she didn't fall asleep before 4 am. We chatted a little.

I felt so helpless. I do not like that feeling. 

I rubbed her hand and softly instructed her to close her eyes. I told her I would be here when she woke up.

I continued to rub her hand. I saw her breathing slow down and her whole body relaxed. She was asleep still holding my hand.

I had this big lump in my chest. I so very much wanted to cry. I don't know why.

As she slept I looked at her face from time to time relieved that she was getting some sleep and her pain had eased some.  I had so many thoughts.

--I could be looking at my parents.

--She could be my mother-in-law.

--Why do I want to cry?

--Keep it together, Lisa!

--There are millions of elderly like Sweetie and no one cares.

--Our government takes care of the illegal aliens but they take away from our elderly, who deserves it more.

--Don't cry!

--I remembered some of my geriatric patients I took care of through the years as a nurse.

--Is this what we have to look forward to when we age?

--Looking at the oxygen tank I thought this could be me in the future. It probably will be.

--I thought about when God takes Sweetie home, how peaceful she will be. She will be pain free.

--I prayed. A LOT

--I also angrily asked God why such suffering for so many people including this Sweet Lady and my cousin Payton. He has heard similar questions from me through the years. He must be tired of it by now!

--What could I do to make her feel more comfortable?

I know I can't make her feel comfortable physically. All I can do is be there for her. That is a main goal being a Hospice Volunteer. She slept for about 45 minutes. She woke up and smiled. I could tell she was going back to sleep so I said goodbye.

A couple of days later I returned for another visit and she was more comfortable. Because Hospice was called I know Sweetie is at the end of her journey on earth. But I am honored to be included in her journey.

God s graciously given me this opportunity. Nearly every day I miss my nursing, some days more than others.  Being a Hospice Volunteer is a little different but it gives the same reward.

What I've Been Up to

Maybe some of you have been wondering where I have been. Actually, I know some of you are. I've received a few emails asking so I thought I would update.

I finally have my fungal foot problem controlled. It is not healed. It will take time, at least a year but I see signs of health and no more crazy symptoms that nearly drove me insane. 

I had mentioned that I wanted to do some volunteering. I have gone through the general training program for Hospice.  I thoroughly enjoyed it. I learned so much and there is so much more to learn. Everyone was so nice and helpful.

I had to take a Tb which was negative and now I'm waiting for my background check to come back.  After that I'll be ready to volunteer my services.

As I was listening to the different ways to volunteer I thought I could do this or that. My nursing urge kicked in big time. I just want to jump in and do it all! However, I know as I explore I'll find my niche!

It was amazing how many others wanted to be a volunteer. We were from many different areas. That's good because the Volunteer Coordinator, Mrs Ann tries her best to match the volunteer with a client that is in our parish, (Or county, as most of you say) if we decide to volunteer our services in that way. 

I met Mrs. Ann when I went apply a few months earlier. She is the most genuine nicest person I have ever met. Seriously!!!

I also signed up for ASL (American Sign Language). Actually about six months ago, I contacted the local Diocese who offers the class.  MyHubby decided to join me. I am excited he decided to join me.

We started last week. It is fun and I think it will be challenging for the next few weeks. It's a six or eight week class.  I know the basics for the most part such as the ABC's. Our teacher, Ms Katie showed me the proper way to do some signs as I've become sloppy throughout the years.

It is difficult for me to do some signs because of my spasticity of my hands. However, I am getting it for the most part. It was reassuring when some classmates had trouble doing some signs as well and they don't have Cerebral Palsy.  

I am not sure what I want to do with the ASL knowledge. I've always wanted to do some interpreting for the deaf but this course is just the beginning. I would have to get certified and that's a long road ahead and more extensive learning. We will see.

This weekend at our Mass, they announced that our church is trying to start a Come Lord Jesus program which I'm interested in. Not sure if I will join but will attend the first meeting for more information tonight.

There it is. That's what I have been up too.  Thanks for those who inquired about what I've been doing.

Tentative Decision on Volunteering.

After writing about wanting to find somewheres where I can volunteer. BabyGirl's friend had posted on Facebook that June was not her month. I felt like God was sending me a sign so I set up a fundraiser here. You can also find the widget on my home page of this blog. I am begging you, if you have a spare dollar, it would be so appreciated if you would donate.

That same day I reread the blog post and prayed. I thanked him for giving me the direction with Victoria. 

I also talked to my mom. I told her my inner conflicts.  She told me what she was doing for her Hospice client and explained to me what Hospice duties a volunteer can do. She suggested since I was unsure I should write or call the Volunteer Coordinator.

So I emailed the Coordinator, summarized what I was thinking and what led me to the organization.

She told me I sounded so sweet like my Mom. She suggested I go there and talk with her. So I did a few days later.

I talked candidly to her about my reservations working with the patients directly. 

Although I know Cancer is not contagious, family members around could be ill and I have a low immune system.

I've worked with the elderly and tend to get attached to them. When they die I take it hard sometimes.

I want to volunteer but I don't want to 7 days a week.

I told her about my near death experiences although she knew some of it from my mom.

She explained the things a volunteer can do. There were many I could be interested in.

So I filled completed the paper work. They have to do a criminal background check etc. In September I go to the training class. 

After talking to the sweet volunteer coordinator and with three individuals telling me I could help with Hospice, I think God is helping me along the way.

I think it is closest to nursing that I'll get.

I am researching on the burial idea. It will definitely be complicated but have not made a definitive decision yet.

Do you know anyone who worked at Hospice or was a client?

What is my Volunteer Vocation?

Lately, I have been having this feeling of unworthiness. Through the years I've missed my nursing but more so recently. I thought about volunteering at a nursing home but there could be sickness that my immune system won't be able to fight. The very reason why my doctor put me on disability.

A few years ago I had tried to be a Big Sister but it is not working out. There are few Little Sisters that need help or they are not a good match for me. Although no one said it I know it is harder to match me since I have a physical handicap and mothers are not comfortable with that fact. And that is fine. I am very protective of my own!

I've been researching volunteer websites and praying on it.

When I went to arrange my pre-burial and found out about what happens when a family member cannot afford to bury them or they have no one it has weighed on my heart. I know the church may bury these people and other organizations may step in but I feel something more can be done.

I started researching about indigent burials etc and an idea formed.

What if I could come up with some kind of organization that I can find businesses and people to donate to?I could put my name at all the funeral homes and when God took someone whose families couldn't pay or they were alone they could contact me and then I could help and arrange to pay for their funeral.

I found this site GiveForward. However as I asked questions I realized it wasn't what I was trying to do. It was more for a specific person or cause. My cause is more broader.

I did not know where to start.  My retreat was coming up so I decided to wait and talk to the Priest, Father Neyrey. I prayed that he could give me direction.

God answered my prayer. Father Neyrey was wonderful as always. Some friends told me it was a huge undertaking. Father agreed. However, he gave me some sound suggestions and taught me a few things

He also encouraged me to stay with the idea but reminded me of some things.

First, it doesn't matter what you are buried in as the body will turn into ashes and your soul will leave it. 

Second, anyone can do a eulogy at a grave site and it doesn't necessarily need a service. He even said if I felt so strongly about a person having to have that 'blessing' I could even go to the funeral site and pray for the soul.

He praised me saying I have such a comforting feeling of death that few people have. He believes God is calling me to do something pertaining to death. He delicately warned me I may not be able to help everyone and suggested I start by concentrating on a smaller scale like one poorer parish. 

He discouraged me going to a Funeral Director because he said their business is to get money. He related some history of how eons ago, people were just buried in the ground, with no casket. In certain terms, he implied funeral homes were not necessary.  

He saw my genuine concern and my mind blocking the idea of just burying someone in a hole.So he instructed me to do research on what is required for a casket/urn, talk to the parish director and go from there. He also noted that I won't be able to do everything myself. He gave me some ideas like maybe contact a building contractor who may volunteer to build a casket, a couple of times a year. 

Father told me I need to listen to God. He thought it was a good idea and encouraged me to keep at it but also forewarned that this may be a long process. This burial idea may just be a beginning of something different God has for me. It may not even be what I am thinking. However. I have such a positive outlook on death because of my experiences, I should also consider volunteering for Hospice in addition to or in place of this burial idea. Either way it is an act of mercy. 

Father certainly gave me a lot to think about.

I also had the chance to speak with the two directors at the retreat. I was able to relate to a lot of things they said. I decided to go and at least thank them for sharing their stories and letting them know they spoke to me. 

One was a nurse like I was. We worked the same length of time except she was in Pediatrics and I was in Geriatrics. We related to each other so well.

Both of the directors dealt with cancer themselves or a family member. They faced death like I did. And they both independently, not knowing what Father or the other claimed I would be a good candidate for Hospice.

I went to the chapel and asked God if he was talking to me through them. He is still working not the answer and I'm striving to listen and move along on faith that I am going the direction God is pointing.

I had considered Hospice on occasion. My mom is a Hospice Volunteer and she enjoys it. 

However, I am hesitant. I worked with dying people. I felt so much compassion and I loved these people. However, I get attached to patients. It gets hard to watch them die or they just die suddenly. 

I guess working in a Nursing home is similar to Hospice. Taking care of patients and they do eventually die in the Nursing home. It is a shorter time dealing with Hospice patients.

I will have to deal with death regardless if I volunteer for Hospice or otherwise.

I am still researching the burial idea and am in progress to see if Hospice is for me.

Have you done any volunteer work?  I would love to hear your experience.