Dream: Very Vivid Dream, Ticked Off At Hubby

The other morning I woke up royally ticked. For no reason.

Yea, I know. It makes no sense.

I had such a vivid dream and was 10x ticked off in it. So imagine.

In my dream MyHubby told me he was going to Las Vegas. And he was leaving the next day.

I asked if he was taking me with him. He responded no, that he was going alone.

I was thinking but that place is "OUR" special place since we got married there. I couldn't believe he did not want me to go with him.

My heart was broken. I asked him what he was going do and he said I didn't have to know.

And then I got ticked off. I started asking him if he was having an affair or was leaving me.

He got all huffy and told me, no he was just going on a trip alone. He wouldn't give me any details like where he was staying, when he was coming back, etc.

It made no sense.

And if you follow my blog and have read about some of my dreams, you know my dreams can get jumbled with 2-3 things going on at the same time.

But I'll just finish this segment first.

Somehow my mom and sister is at my home.  I was upset and told them what Hubby was doing. He had his clothes hanging on a doorknob that he was going to bring. The clothes was really not Hubby's style. My mom and sister was going through them saying, "He was out of his mind."

That's all I remember because I woke up, as I said royally ticked.

Another segment of my dream is there were a gang of Hispanic boys hanging around our house. I went out to talk to them and I became interested in one. He was such a sweetheart and I wanted to adopt him.  This segment was sketchy. We were just talking and he had the same personality as BabyGirl. That segment ended abruptly.

My Analysis: I have no clue about the Hispanic boy. I do not want any more kids. lol.

As far as Hubby going to Vegas without me, the previous evening he reminded me our anniversary was next month. I probably would have remembered it as it got closer but it has not been on my mind. Wow! We'll be married 2 years and on our 6th year of knowing each other.

I have never became angry with him as I do in my dreams. He says it is a deep seeded anger, jokingly. But I can honestly say I don't. We are fine.  We have normal disagreements but we don't get angry like that. We talk about it, get over with and move on.  I know he wouldn't just tell me suddenly he was going somewheres without my input, especially a trip. I know he would never do something like that.

When I woke up, I told him he needs to stop doing that in my dreams. He looks at me like he is at a loss and have no idea what to do with me.

But that's okay. I know he still loves me, even with my craziness!!

Just Maybe..

Every decent loving parent wants the best for their child.I am no different.

From the day BabyGirl was born my life revolved around her. I do not have any regrets living life around her at all. I would do it all over again.

I have made my mistakes as all parents do. I look back and wonder.  If I had done something different maybe everything would be different, for the better.

I try not to live with the could've, should've and would've. BUT in the past few years, circumstances occurred that has made me wonder where did I fail as a parent.

I know I did the best I could with what I had. I know I gave her all the love I had in me.

However, I continue to punish myself for what I have failed to do as a parent.

At any moment that feeling of the black hole opens and lingers. My heart aches showing I have not forgiven myself for all those mistakes.

I've been told I am too hard on myself.  Maybe I am. I do not know how to change it.

I think sometimes when the moments are good, I fool myself that I have forgiven myself.

I try to pinpoint exactly why I do not forgive myself.  I try to pinpoint what I need to forgive myself for. I can't come up with only one mistake. I come up with a flood of them, some I even realize is trivial.

The past month has been chaotic. I am so glad it is not replaying in my lifetime. Things are going back to normal, whatever that is.

When I walked away from my marriage with BabyGirl's father and started dating, I hoped I would find a man who would love me and her unconditionally. I wanted more of a male role model for her.

I realized it was a long shot if not impossible.

However, I can confidently say I did ONE thing right. I have given her a male model to look up to and to depend on.  I have fulfilled one of my hopes.

It is a slow process but I can see the gaps closing between them.  It's a new process for them individually so it will take time but that's okay.

Maybe, just maybe, I did at least one thing right.