I'm Struggling to Figure Out What I Want To Do

I am struggling to figure out what God is trying to tell me. I get excited about things then when I look into it, there is always an obstacle or something happens that makes me think is this really for me?

Maybe I don't have as much confidence in myself than I thought.  

Maybe that one thing is really NOT for me. 

I feel like I know what I want to do but I can't seem to get there. 

So glad my mom is not reading this because she would bop me in the head (Not really but you know what I mean) and say something like "can't' is not in your vocabulary.

Here's a brief summary.

I signed up to be a volunteer, went through the background check, referrals and waited for this meeting.  I was expecting to walk out of there knowing exactly what I will be doing and start from there.

However, that was not the case. I sat for two hours listening to the speaker. He did give us guidance and pointers but it wasn't what I expected.

Then he said we had to pray on it for 7-10 days  or however long it takes while reading the booklet that gives details and then if we decide if this is what I want to do, to fill out the application and return it to him. He did say if we had any questions to call for an appointment.

I thought wait a minute, I go through the process of becoming a volunteer and now I need to fill out yet another application for this department. I may or may not be selected. I can take rejection so that isn't the problem. It's just becoming more complicated than I thought.

I totally understand they need to make sure we are capable of doing it. As he went through some of the few details he touched on, I'm like OMG I want to do it but can I do it?

He gave each of us an application for in case we want to do it.  I don't like one of the question because although it is a yes or no question. I need to elaborate on that answer. Maybe it is not a necessity but I feel like I want to defend that answer. But is my defense justifiable?

When I started this process I looked at my options and this option from the start was iffy. However, I've had several people tell me with my experiences of life I would be ideal for this.

I am trying to figure if God is telling me to do this and I am just not listening and it is why I am struggling.

Or Maybe my first instinct was right and I need to sway from that area and move on to another area?

What is my Volunteer Vocation?

Lately, I have been having this feeling of unworthiness. Through the years I've missed my nursing but more so recently. I thought about volunteering at a nursing home but there could be sickness that my immune system won't be able to fight. The very reason why my doctor put me on disability.

A few years ago I had tried to be a Big Sister but it is not working out. There are few Little Sisters that need help or they are not a good match for me. Although no one said it I know it is harder to match me since I have a physical handicap and mothers are not comfortable with that fact. And that is fine. I am very protective of my own!

I've been researching volunteer websites and praying on it.

When I went to arrange my pre-burial and found out about what happens when a family member cannot afford to bury them or they have no one it has weighed on my heart. I know the church may bury these people and other organizations may step in but I feel something more can be done.

I started researching about indigent burials etc and an idea formed.

What if I could come up with some kind of organization that I can find businesses and people to donate to?I could put my name at all the funeral homes and when God took someone whose families couldn't pay or they were alone they could contact me and then I could help and arrange to pay for their funeral.

I found this site GiveForward. However as I asked questions I realized it wasn't what I was trying to do. It was more for a specific person or cause. My cause is more broader.

I did not know where to start.  My retreat was coming up so I decided to wait and talk to the Priest, Father Neyrey. I prayed that he could give me direction.

God answered my prayer. Father Neyrey was wonderful as always. Some friends told me it was a huge undertaking. Father agreed. However, he gave me some sound suggestions and taught me a few things

He also encouraged me to stay with the idea but reminded me of some things.

First, it doesn't matter what you are buried in as the body will turn into ashes and your soul will leave it. 

Second, anyone can do a eulogy at a grave site and it doesn't necessarily need a service. He even said if I felt so strongly about a person having to have that 'blessing' I could even go to the funeral site and pray for the soul.

He praised me saying I have such a comforting feeling of death that few people have. He believes God is calling me to do something pertaining to death. He delicately warned me I may not be able to help everyone and suggested I start by concentrating on a smaller scale like one poorer parish. 

He discouraged me going to a Funeral Director because he said their business is to get money. He related some history of how eons ago, people were just buried in the ground, with no casket. In certain terms, he implied funeral homes were not necessary.  

He saw my genuine concern and my mind blocking the idea of just burying someone in a hole.So he instructed me to do research on what is required for a casket/urn, talk to the parish director and go from there. He also noted that I won't be able to do everything myself. He gave me some ideas like maybe contact a building contractor who may volunteer to build a casket, a couple of times a year. 

Father told me I need to listen to God. He thought it was a good idea and encouraged me to keep at it but also forewarned that this may be a long process. This burial idea may just be a beginning of something different God has for me. It may not even be what I am thinking. However. I have such a positive outlook on death because of my experiences, I should also consider volunteering for Hospice in addition to or in place of this burial idea. Either way it is an act of mercy. 

Father certainly gave me a lot to think about.

I also had the chance to speak with the two directors at the retreat. I was able to relate to a lot of things they said. I decided to go and at least thank them for sharing their stories and letting them know they spoke to me. 

One was a nurse like I was. We worked the same length of time except she was in Pediatrics and I was in Geriatrics. We related to each other so well.

Both of the directors dealt with cancer themselves or a family member. They faced death like I did. And they both independently, not knowing what Father or the other claimed I would be a good candidate for Hospice.

I went to the chapel and asked God if he was talking to me through them. He is still working not the answer and I'm striving to listen and move along on faith that I am going the direction God is pointing.

I had considered Hospice on occasion. My mom is a Hospice Volunteer and she enjoys it. 

However, I am hesitant. I worked with dying people. I felt so much compassion and I loved these people. However, I get attached to patients. It gets hard to watch them die or they just die suddenly. 

I guess working in a Nursing home is similar to Hospice. Taking care of patients and they do eventually die in the Nursing home. It is a shorter time dealing with Hospice patients.

I will have to deal with death regardless if I volunteer for Hospice or otherwise.

I am still researching the burial idea and am in progress to see if Hospice is for me.

Have you done any volunteer work?  I would love to hear your experience.

Big Brother/Big Sisters-edited

I'm editing this post because I found errors LOL.

I stay home alot since well...I can't work in my chosen profession..so doctor  permanently disabled me. I have a significant other but he works and lately its been late. My daughter is on her own so I am here alone alot of the time. The walls of this apartment sometimes begin to close in and I need to get out.

So I started thinking what can I do that costs no or little moulah that can feed my nurturing craving. I sit here and think of the years I worked and how I loved the patients. I was a geriatric nurse. The elderly are so cute. I always said they were old bodies with young minds.

I searched online and in the newspaper with MyLove's blessing. I came up with Big Brother/Big Sisters program. I read alot on the site but was concerned about them accepting me as a volunteer due to my disability. So I wrote to them and the responder told me they took anyone who had a good heart and willing to commit. He listed orientation dates.

I asked my daughter before I went how she felt about me being a "BIG". She said she thought it was okay.

Although she moved with her daddy before she went on her own a couple of years ago, I've been having this nurturing need of late. I just miss her and the things we used to do.I definitely am not trying to replace her being a BIG. Those who know here knows no one can ever replace my baby girl.


Thursday night I went to orientation. A case worker just went over a packet which most of it was what I read online. It's a justifiable long process to become a "BIG". My next step is wait for them to call me for an interview. They do a criminal background check and absolutely check  references.

I am ready to make a difference in a little child's life. The case worker said most come from low income homes and abused. My goal is to be a friend to the child and make a difference in their life.

Let me explain the program is.

There are two ways to meet my Little. The Community Based and the Site Based.

The Site Based is a commitment for a school year. You meet your Little at the school during a non core subject and spend 45 min every week with your Little. We can talk, play games, read a book etc.

The Community Based is a commitment for one year with minimum of twice a month for at least an hour meeting your Little.

I think I may start at the Site Based and go from there. Site based can be converted to Community Based.

What's good is you can be a friend to a child in need. We are close contact with the case worker, child and parent.

The case worker also went through statistics of child abuse. I knew it was bad but it is scary.

It is estimated that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in six boys will be sexually assaulted before the age 18. That is so sad. I figured it this way. My child has two best friends, one out of those 3 girls could be sexually assaulted.

Abuse is done through manipulation, deception and bribery. It leaves the child feeling its her fault. How I know this so well especially manipulation and bribery.  I shiver thinking my child and I suffered through it but I think we are stronger for it.

85% of abuse cases, females are victims. that leaves 15% males. Regardless, its a disgrace!

Children rarely lie about being abused.

This is quite interesting: Abusers are not mentally ill. Only 10% of abusers suffer from serious mental illness or psychosis. I always said they were sick or a screw loose. Evidently most are not. Makes me wanna cry.

Approximately 84% of the child sexual abuse in the US is perpetrated by an individual familiar to the victim. Less than 20% of the abuses are strangers. That is scary to know someone near you could abuse your child, isn't it?

Children sexually abused between 8 and 11 are the largest percentage. Innocent children!

30% of sexual abuse involves alcohol abuse.  That is no real surprise.

And last but not least: The individuals who have experienced abuse seldom tell of the abuse. That's really sad and upsetting.  I sure hope if my child was, she would come tell me.

They told you signs of abuse and what to do. Quite interesting.

I'm looking forward to get a Little although I may have to wait until the school year begins again in September. But that's okay.

Ahh this is a much better post than the previous one.