BabyGirl Is A Married Woman!

I have been sworn to secrecy for the past month and a half. I have been given permission to let the secret out!

MyBabyGirl got married April Fools Day. I knew beforehand it was going to happen and I knew after it happened.

 After a few minutes of being hurt after I was told I wasn't being invited to my only daughter's wedding, I scolded myself. They are two adults. It is the way THEY wanted it. It is THEIR wedding and marriage. 

After all, A wedding doesn't make a marriage.

She and her NewHusband did it their own way. They had two witnesses and said their vows and that was it. They did take a couple of pictures. I told her she needed to take at least one so THEY can go back and look at them from time to time!

It's similar to how Hubby and I got married! I had a whole series. Click the link if at all interested.

I was grateful and did feel special that she did tell me before!

So now I have a Son-In-Law! I don't think I've every seen BabyGirl as happy and stable as she is now. Thank you God!

And NO she is not pregnant!

I wish them years of happiness, love and respect for one another!

My BabyGirl is 22 Today!

Having children is such a blessing.

I remember the day BabyGirl came into the world. It was 22 years ago on this date at 4:04 AM. After a bit coaxing, she let out a screeching cry, seemingly angry that she had to come out of her bubble.

I counted her toes and fingers. I touched her baby soft skin. I rolled my fingers through her fine hair as little as she had.

Tears of happiness flowed. I realized at that very moment my life would never be the same. The bundle of joy in my arms was all mine. (Yea, her Father's too). This little human being was going to be dependent on me for the first several years of her life.

How scary that was!

I thanked God and then asked him to help me raise this beautiful child to be successful and live life to the fullest. I knew it would have its challenges and maybe more so because of my disability.

She was special. She sensed her mommy was different. She and I together learned to improvise.

She became the sole reason that I kept fighting illnesses and kept me wanting to live. My world surrounded her entirely. She was my rock.

Before she became too heavy for me to bend down and pick her up, she learned to climb my leg so it was easier for me. I think it was instinct.

As she got older, she attempted to use my disability to her advantage a few times. When she was in the terrible twos, she would run away from me when she knew a slap on the butt was coming for doing something wrong. I always got her one way or another. But it was obvious she forgot at that moment as she was running.

But when we were in public, I had rules. She was always to hold my hand the moment I took her out of the car seat. If I was doing something in the car or had to do something with my hands, she was to hold my leg or jacket. There were no ifs, ands or buts. I have to admit, she obeyed very well.

Like any child, she tested my limits. Once, at a post office I had put her down and she just took off running. It was one of the scariest moments she gave me. Thankfully, an elderly man stopped her and told her to wait. Still on adrenalin, when I got a hold of her I shook her a few times and yelled at her. I saw eyes on us as people walked by. I'm sure they thought I was a crazy woman. After I shook my fear and anguish from her I grabbed her and hugged her and asked her not to do that again. This happened in a matter of less than 30 seconds but it seemed eternity.  She never did it again.

During her school years, she was smart and did her schoolwork without any argument. I remember during the summer months, other parents couldn't wait for school to start so their bratty kids would be out of the house. I never thought that way. I was busier in the summer chauffeuring her to summer programs she wanted to do plus karate but was sad I wouldn't have those extra hours with her. She was in T-Ball, Softball, Dancing and Karate. She did well in everything she put her mind too.

Karate was her passion. She was excellent at it earning her Black Belt and teaching the younger kids for a while.

She went through so many different phases I  nearly got whip lashed. I earned a few grey hairs, that she really wants to pull but it is my trophy for getting through it. MyMom would encourage me and tell me that she was just trying to figure out who she was. She was right.

When she became of age, she left home. She wanted that independence of everyone. I have to say I cried at night sometimes with worry. I prayed so hard to keep her safe.

She has supported herself with part-time jobs and going to college full time which she graduated.

She's had so many bumps in the road I sometimes wondered how she would get through it.

I remember everything we've been through together and what she has been through alone. She is so very strong and meets her challenges head-on and gets through every one of them.

We are as tight as we were when she was younger. We had a rough period but came out of it stronger than ever. We love and appreciate each other even more.

She has grown to be a beautiful young independent lady. I can't voice the words to describe how proud I am of her and how deep my love runs for her. She is the light of my soul and always keeper of my heart.

Happy 22nd Birthday BabyGirl! I wish you to have many more with happiness! Always remember to be who you are. You are so unique and there is only one of you. Stay the loving, quirky and compassionate person you are.

BabyGirl's New Wheels

Coincidentally, at the same time I was buying Cora, BabyGirl was buying her car.

She called me the night Hubby and I were sleeping on our decision to buy Cora. She was so excited because for the past few weeks she was out of a car because her car she was in had problems. She had put a lot of money into it and the mechanic told her this time it was time to get a new car.

Her boyfriend and she decided to get a new one and he helped her buying it.

She was so excited. I was more excited for her than I was for me.  It was her very first new car.

Layla's boyfriend and her step-brother-in-law got her a good deal on a 2014 Kia Yaris. It's name is Pearl.

About two days later, she called me and said, "I just can't have nice things" Her voice wavered. I knew something was wrong.

She was on stopped a busy street in the turning lane when a man rear-ended her. She said she saw him swerving attempting to avoid her but he failed. He claims he had been having trouble with his brakes and he couldn't stop.

My heart hurts for her. Unfortunately, it wasn't total so she has to get it fixed. It'll take about two weeks for have it repaired. She is using her boyfriend's family member's car in the meantime.

Someone told me she was the fourth person she knew who got in a wreck with a brand new car.

I was furious. If this fool would have taken care of his brakes this may not have happened.

Yes, it's only a car and thankfully, no one was hurt but it could have totally avoided because of a person's negligence.

Share your story about an automobile accident because of an irresponsible person.

***Note: I think I got my layout and comment box working. You can also let me know if your like or dislike my new layout/design. Also, If you don't see my comment box please let me know at bellelady1981@yahoo.com. 

A Different Journey Begins

From yesterday's post, you learned my BabyGirl graduated college. 

 I asked God to allow me to live until she graduated high school from the day she was born.

He has blessed me with much more. I was able to watch her receive her college degree!

She has more to go for her Master's after a well needed and deserved hiatus from school. It's been a long 4 years for BabyGirl. She worked a full time job PLUS went to college full time. She was in honors with a 3.216 average. She majored in Liberal Arts (Psychology and Criminal Justice). Before her college years she had all honor classes which was just like going to college in high school. 

I prayed as I watched her stress with work, school and life in between such as two vehicle accidents.

Thankfully, she had the strength and determination to plunge through it all. I am sure more college students were like her. But you know, we have tunnel vision when it comes to our own child.

On Facebook, I continuously posted for a week that MyBabygirl was graduating college.  I was beaming so bright I probably blinded people. Although I had many likers, encouraging words, support and compliments, I am sure some are happy it ended!

Her real life begins while part of mine ends. Maybe that is not the right phrase to use. Through the years I think we both changed.

The financial cord is cut. Yes, I will help her if she ever needs help but my financial obligations as far as her education is over. She had already been on living on her own and paying her own bills.

I was a Mom who wanted to know everything she did, everywhere she went, who she was with etc. At one point, I had this irrational idea that since I helped her with college tuition she owed me those answers. Luckily, I came to my senses.  I realized I was grasping for something that was no longer mine..her life.

I drove myself crazy at first because I was worried and honestly I missed her. Yes, she was gone a few years before college because she wanted to move in with her stepmother (Note I didn't say Father) but we had our visits together. I knew college was going to take her more away from me even more.

I just read what I wrote and it sounds so selfish.

Anyway…

I have learned to step back and let her come to me with whatever she wanted to share. It was so hard to do and so many times I had to stop and talk myself out of asking. I have not been disappointed.

She called and cried her heart out at times of despair. 

She called with joy of her accomplishments. 

Just like when she was living with me in the past.

She told me her grades. She had even given me her online college account information so I can check for myself her grades, classes, financial stuff. I am proud to say I only used it once and that was only a few weeks ago because I wanted to know how many credits she had. 

She gave me time for lunch dates when she could. (I expect this to continue always!)

She called to tell me she loved me and missed me.

She let me hug and kiss on her more.  She gave me bigger hugs when we saw each other.

As I watched her go down the aisle to her seat at graduation I cried. Tears just flowed. 

Tears of joy. Tears of pride. Tears of relief. Tears of love.

For 21 years I was on a journey with her. It is time for me to step off the journey and watch her go on her own journey being the best adult she can be. I know she is fully capable and will.

My 2014 College Graduate

Announcing..My 2014 UL College Graduate of Psychology and Criminal Justice:

                                                                  2014 UL Graduate

Part of My Family -My Sister (Graduate's Nanny), Hubby, My Father and Mother, BabyGirl and I.

                                                                    

BabyGirl's Graduation Cake: From Russell's Food Center. We all agreed that they did a fantastic job!

       

BabyGirl and her Boyfriend

The awesome meal once again from Russells Food Center: Chicken and sausage fettuccini, jalapeño sausage cheese bread and Veggie tray.

BabyGirl, Hubby and I

April Fool's Prank

Hello My Dearest Followers!

I hope this finds you well. I think Spring is FINALLY here. Our winter was a rough one for the area I live. I know those of you who live North, had it worse.  I hope everyone was able to get through it.

I've been okay. This past week, it seems that Hand, Mouth, Hand disorder attacked again. However, only my hand and foot are involved. Have you ever itched so bad that it hurts and you just want to scratch your skin off? That's how I have been. I put Cortisone cream and it helped only a little.

Good news is my family doctor finally sent me some more Prednisone. Hopefully, I'm on the road to non itching recovery!

As some of you know, unless you are living under a rock, today is April Fool's Day.

When BabyGirl was growing up, she tried pranking me, several times on that day. It got really irritating and old by the end of the day. I used to prank my ex and got him good!

There's this particular time I will always remember. I realize now it was a very cruel prank.

He was at work and I called him. I led him to believe that we were in a car accident and BabyGirl was in critical condition. I had him panicking for 2-3 minutes then I said, "April Fool's!' He was royally ticked off, justifiably so!

My family even said that was so wrong and thereafter I agreed. I felt bad for days.

What was the worse April Fool's prank you did or was done to you?

Lesson Learned: Keep On It Until Resolved

I received a spammed Paypal email stating that my account had been compromised. I didn't know it was a spam. However, I didn't fill out the form they requested because it raised a red flag with the information they wanted. I haven't used Paypal in ages.

I immediately checked my checking account and there was a debit card transaction from B&N I didn't recall making. So I contacted my bank and they cancelled my debit card and is sending me another one. So I will have to go through changing the accounts I have my debit card attached to like my insurance, etc. I will also need to learn a different pin number. ARGH!

But you know how things keep bugging you? When something is just not right?  It bugged the hell out of me!

So I called Paypal and customer service was so funny. She checked and said with a thick accent, "Oh ma'am you did not fill out the form attached to the email correct? " I told her no. She said, "Thank Goodness because it was spam and my account was not compromised. She said she will send me an email detailing how to tell if I receive another one like it. She did.

But there was still that B&N transaction. I got on B&N chat after trying to call. The connection was garbled on the phone. The CHAT rep told me that she did not show any transaction since August 2013. That sounded about right. We went round and round I asked her if she could trace it.  She said there was no transaction on my B&N account. I told her I knew that because I was staring at my B&N account but it still doesn't answer why I have a B&N transaction in my checking account. 'She finally instructed me to fax or email my bank statement. I told her I had a problem with that because they wanted my whole bank statement. I felt compromised already and if they can't trace the transaction on their end no telling how they would keep my bank statement secure.  I told her i would have to do more research and think on it more. We ended chat. I was frustrated.

I kept thinking, there has to be a way to follow that transaction.

The day went on and I kept thinking. Finally, I remembered giving BabyGirl my debit card number for a textbook she needed for a semester but couldn't remember which semester.

I feel like I can't remember as well nowadays. I'm getting old.

So I called BabyGirl and she said it was for last semester and swore up and down that she didn't do anything on the date the transaction took place. She assured me she tore up the information after she used it. She then sent me HER B&N account to show me that she didn't use my debit account on the date the transaction went through. 

HOURS went by. It continued to bug me. 

I called B&N and finally got through. I explained my predicament. I was transferred to the Fraud Department. The nice young lady was so pleasant and understanding. She said there was nothing on my account, which I already knew and was told many times by the rep on chat. 

I had mentioned that I had given my daughter my debit card information in December for her to buy textbooks on her B&N account. I gave her BabyGirl's name, She told me to wait a minute because she was bringing up her account. While she was doing that we talked about the weather and BabyGirl. 

I told her if it was BabyGirl I was going to strangle her but was confident she wouldn't do anything she wasn't suppose to do. She said she didn't have children and hesitant to have any because of such things like this. She sees it all the time, kids using parents cards etc.

Finally, she said she traced it. What happened was BabyGirl had not returned the book. She had rented it so it was a late charge. And if she doesn't return it by a certain day, my card will be debited the whole value of the book next time. Mystery solved. I thanked her profusely and told her the matter of the book not being returned yet will be addressed and resolved immediately. She laughed and said she was sure it would because she knew I was now angry at Babygirl.

I called Babygirl and fussed at her. She said she forgot and they usually send her a notice. I told her everything I had to go through with Paypal, canceling my card which was a great inconvenience because I was having preauthorizations  coming through and making me worried. 

If she would have been in front of me I would have bopped her on her head many times LOL!

She promised she would pay me back and mail the book the next day. She apologized profusely.

I don't want her to pay me back. I just want her to send the book back. 

Thank God it is her last semester.

I see a few more grey hairs growing. 

In the meantime I had a subscription and save Amazon order about to be deducted from my account through my debit card. I notified them that my card had been cancelled and as soon as I received my new one I would add it to my account. I inquired how I could pay them otherwise.

They responded in a way I know they didn't even read it. I wrote back to them not as nicely.

As I researched more on Amazon I figured out a way to change payments to my checking account for the time being. It does look like they finally received the payment and my shipment is being processed.

Thank You Jesus!

My Life The Past Two Days

I hope everyone had a nice safe New Year's Eve and day.

New Year's Eve we were in bed by 10:30. There were fireworks that sounded and felt like cannonballs. It was irritating as they popped them from 7 pm through 1 AM. Midnight was like we were attacked by bombs and grenades. Thankfully, I was sleeping and it woke me. However, after I figured it was fireworks I turned over and went back to dreamland.

New Year's Day we made it to my brother-in-law and sister-in-law's home. We had the traditional black eye peas, rice, coleslaw and pork chops. It was delicious. We watched the Rose Bowl Game.

AND the LSU TIGERS won the ROSE BOWL Game! That was exciting although nerve wrecking. It seems our Louisiana teams want their fans to be nervous wrecks. But it is still fun!

My doctor's NURSE PRACTITIONER called me to let me know my gall bladder ultrasound was normal. I continue to be nauseous now and then. I've been aching like a big mac truck hit me. I just feel like crappola. She told me I had to wait a month to see if the Prilosec is going to work.  If I am not better, I need to call for a follow-up appointment. I don't know with who. Haven't seen the doctor except for the few minutes before he did my endoscopy. I am not keen to seeing the Nurse Practitioner  again because she has been no benefit to me.

Anyway, today I had lunch with my BABYGIRL. It was cold and windy but it is going to get worse. Dipping into the 20-30s the next week. I know all of you people up north think it is nothing but it is COLD here. 

I hate the cold. I wish winter was over!!

I told Babygirl we better have lunch before I go into the hibernation mode.  She offered and I allowed her to pay since she received many gift cards at one of our favorite places, Subway! We had a nice lunch and chat.

I was hardly able to eat much of my sandwich. The bout of nausea washed over me as I made my way home. I had to prevent myself from vomiting. Sorry if this is gross to some of you. It's my life. I get home, threw down my purse, ripped off my jacket, shoes and hat and flopped into bed.

I took deep breaths as one of my doctors told me to do when I am nauseous years ago. I fell asleep for a short nap. I woke up gratefully without the nausea.  Appetite is gone but I will try soup tonight.

2014 has not started like I would want..but it could be worse.

I hope every one has a healthy safe 2014!

Dream: BabyGirl Got Married

I have such vivid dreams! Of course BabyGirl was in this one. But she wasn't young. Actually she was a young woman in a beautiful white dress. She was getting married but she was blubbering big time. I kept asking her what's wrong. She would just look at me and cry. The conversation went like this:

She sobbed throughout but able to respond to a few questions.
Me: What's wrong?
Her: She was sobbing so hard she couldn't talk.
Me: Look, you don't have to marry right now. You can back out even if you are on the altar.
Her: (Still sobbing) But I love him.
Me: If you have doubts, don't marry him. Don't make the mistake.
Her: But Mom I love CHARLES!

I continued to tell her all the things Mothers tell their daughters when they are getting married. Be sure this is what you want. You can back out anytime. You can wait longer.

This went on seemingly forever over and over.

Dream scene changed and I was walking her down the aisle of what appeared to be an auditorium. I was on one side of her and a creepy looking man was on her other side. It was not her father.

She sobbed nonstop.

I woke up.

Funniest part is she has never dated any Charles that I know of and her boyfriend's name is not Charles.

Have no analysis on this one.

BabyGirl Discovers World Market

My BabyGirl can be so funny sometimes.

During one of our mother/daughter outings last week, we stopped at CVS. I told her to pick out some candy and consider it her Halloween gift.

I know! How many parents actually give their child, especially adult children, a gift for Halloween?

In front of the cashier register there was a bin of mini bottles of wine. Her favorite kind, Moscato was included.

My daughter takes after me liking wine. I am sure she drinks more than me. Also, we both get all gaga about small and cute things. We agreed that the mini bottles were cute.

She requested to have the wine instead of the candy.

After making her promise she would not drink and drive, I bought her the wine AND candy.

Then the beginning of this week she calls me bubbling with joy!

She went to World Market for the first time.

Side note: My mother in law works there and I've been there a few times.  She has given us awesome cookies, candy and chips from there. YUM!

She excitedly rambled, "Mom they a lot of WINE there."

I said, "Yes, they do!"

She continued, "But they have all kinds of WINE, cool wine glasses and kitchen stuff."

I laughed and repeated, "Yes, they do."

She kept repeating joyfully, "They have wine, and cool wine glasses!"

After we finished the call, I chuckled to myself. It made me happy to be reminded that she is like me getting excited about simple things or when discovering new things.

College Books Outrageously Overpriced!!

BabyGirl is on her second-to-last semester in college. She will graduate in 2014 and will go back later for her Master's degree. She wants a break and she has to figure out how to come up with the money for her Master's because TOPS and her scholarship runs out. She is not willing to go the student loan route.

I am fine with that. I do believe she will return eventually. My goal was for her to get a college education and once again she pulled it off for me and herself. What more can a mom ask for?

It has been a struggle financially. It's been stressful for her. Luckily, she was able to get by with TOPS and a scholarship. We still have to pay for books and part of the tuition;

You see tuition keeps going up but TOPS don't increase..ridiculous. Almost every single semester tuition has gone up. 

Every semester I ask her how much her books are and I help her as much as I can. Her dad helps her out with the books as well, when she asks.

I've said it every semester. The cost of books are ridiculously high.  Hubby and I have had the conversation ever single semester how college and the book companies rip off students. How profitable they are. 

Luckily, some books are ebooks and they are able to rent books through online or at bookstores locally. Also, she has borrowed books from other students who already had the class and she loans her out.  I think a couple of semesters she has shared a book with another student.

By the way the rental is a little bit less than buying them. So I am sure the publisher/author is getting money from that too.

I sit and wonder. BabyGirl has help. But what about the kids who don't have scholarships or TOPS? What if their parents can't truly help them? For these kids they have to come up with tuition AND the money for the ridiculously overpriced books.

I have noticed through BabyGirl's college years how it is a racket. Every single year the companies come up with a new edition so the edition used the previous year is obsolete. The smart girl my BabyGirl is, has muddled through with the older edition a few times.

This semester she told me she needed 3 books. She bought one at B&N for almost $40. She has one to get that her professor wrote (I wonder what his share is) I think she said for another 40+. And then this last book is what freaked me out! The professor said it was okay to get last year's edition, is....are you sitting down...$97!  I expressed my shock with expletives. Then she said, "But Mom the newer edition is $180!"

Are you FREAKING kidding me? 

Is it me or am I the only one who thinks this is insane? This is just totally wrong.

I am seriously thinking of getting the publisher's name and address and write to them letting them know how I feel about their overpriced book.

What's the most you've paid for a textbook for college or trade school? What do you think about the cost of college and textbooks?

21 Years Ago...

God blessed me with BabyGirl who turns legal today. She has been my pride and joy. She has been my  reason to keep living.  She has been a daughter I would never have dreamed of having.

I look back through the years and see how she has grown and matured. 21 years ago, when I held her for the first time I remembered thinking I hope I can be a great mom.  

I had so many worries. Worried if I can be the mom she needed. Worried if she would hate me because I wasn't like other moms. I worried I wouldn't be alive to see her grow up to be an independent woman.   There were so many worries. Some I still worry to this day, about different things. But that's what MOMS do. I guess it is part of our job.

God has blessed me with this awesome, accepting, loving, compassionate beautiful daughter and I thank him DAILY.

I wanted to do something special. After all, she reached a milestone. She is now a legal adult who can drink alcohol. At first, I just planned to take her out with Hubby and I.  And she was okay with that. We were going to go to Olive Garden.

Then I started to think.  This is a special moment in her life. A milestone.  I know being with us would be totally fine with her but then an idea started to form.

What if I could give her a surprise party with both her families?? Not too big, just parents, grandparents and her step siblings and Nanny and Parain and a few friends. Her friends weren't able to make it as they had to work but I have to give it to her BFF/roommate, "K'. Because she kept the secret. She was awesome and has earned my trust!

Her father and I cannot have a conversation. It is what it is. But what if we can put our differences aside and join together to make OUR daughter a special day for her this year.

So I contacted her stepmother. Her stepmother and I communicate better than my ex and I. I love her. I know that is weird but she is a genuine good person. I don't know how they ended up together but she has to deal with him and she has been like another mother to my daughter.

I attempted to make reservations at Olive Garden but after a long discussion, they said they don't take reservations. It's first come, first serve. That is for another post.

So I went to Plan B. I called Johnny Carino's and they took reservations for 20 people. So we were set.

I made BabyGirl believe we were going to Olive Garden. I promised her I would buy her glass of wine but we had to drive her there and back. When Hubby and I picked her up, I told her that I had called Olive Garden but they wouldn't take reservations and it would be 1-1/2 hour wait so we decided to go to Johnny Carino's  She said okay.

When we got there everyone was waiting for her. When she walked in she was surprised! She said, "Holy Sh-t".  Her stepmother reprimanded her about the language but I GOT HER GOOD with the surprise!

BabyGirl walking in with Hubby. I was behind them. See her face? LOL!

We all had a good time. She told me later we don't know how much it meant to her that we all got together for her! And that was my goal, to make her see how special she is. SO special that everyone came to help celebrate!

The food was great and our waitress was awesome! 

Here are some more photos I have selected from her birthday.

BabyGirl, Hubby and I! (I hate pics with me in them)

Babygirl holding her stepneice Peyton, my sister (Her Nanny) and my brother-in-law Ted.

So as not to give her suspicious, we gave her gift at her apartment. The funny thing is her father and I gave her the SAME card! That was all too weird.

BabyGirl and her Granny and PaPa (My parents)

BabyGirl and her dad and awesome Stepmom

I am so thankful that it all came together as it did.  I am thankful that I actually pulled it off because that smile on her face was all worth it!

Happy 21st Birthday BabyGirl!

If You Had A WIsh

If you had a wish what would it be? Be selfish! If you had every resource (including money) available to you what would you wish?

Hubby and I laugh if we won the lottery, we would be set. Of course, the odds are against us because we don't play it regularly. But we do dream.

Yesterday, I was in a depressed mood and vented to a dear college friend. She is a genuine good person and friend that means a lot to me. She reminded me to think about what was good in my life.

I paused and thought of the many great things in my life. My great wonderful Hubby. My beautiful child. My family and friends. My new home.

But black clouds hovered and those dark thoughts kept seeping in. At one point I wished someone would come and just shoot me. Get my life over with.

I prayed to God thanking him for the good things. I also asked him what was the purpose of life if you can't live it to the fullest.

I started writing random things..and I thought if I had one wish what would it be.

Of course MONEY was the first thing. But I shook it off. That's too practical. Money doesn't solve everything (although it sure would help LOL)

Lately, I've been praying more than usual having a chat with God. Of course he only listens. I guess he is devising a plan to answer. I don't know.

I've been asking him why can't I just have ONE year of having any negative thing happening, especially medically or financially.

Every year of my 50 years it has been one thing or another medically. Unfortunately, it seems I need to resign myself that is not going to change. I have more moments of accepting it but there are moments I feel like enough is enough!

So at first I thought my wish would be just having a healthy life. Just everything I have vanish and I can  feel what it is to feel completely healthy. And I am not particularly saying my cerebral palsy. I mean my other medical stuff.

I continue to think. I finally came to my final decision.  I know I said to be selfish. But when I look back on my back and where I am now, it is all good. I have a loving husband and we have a home and we scrape by.

My wish would be to take all the pain BabyGirl has endured due to her father and I's divorce. I wish I could give her everything to make the rest of her life easier. I am not saying making her rich but just enough money to get her by comfortably. Give her a home so she won't have to worry about rent. Give her all the tools she needs to have a carefree happy life.

I know eventually, with her ambition and hard work she will be able to make her life better. I wish it will come to a point where she will be stress free and content.

That's my ultimate wish---for BabyGIrl to be happy, stress free, contest, have all of her dreams come true.

Share your wish if you would like or comment on mine.  Love to hear from my readers.

Update on Post Regarding: Embarrassment because of CP in FAMILY AND FRIENDS

After a previous post I continued to read the thread on the Cerebral Palsy group.  It disturbed me to see how many others with CP were seen by family members.

I was feeling hurt for these parents. I felt like the embarrassment was directly pointed towards me. On the other hand, I continued to think how God blessed me with such a loving and compassionate daughter.

I needed to call her. There was a deep longing to talk to her. When I heard her voice I started crying. I don't know why.  I really can't explain it.

As I was blubbering I thanked her. All she heard was me crying. She couldn't understand me. It is hard to understand me when I am crying and upset.  Concerned, she kept asking, "Mom, what's wrong?"  I heard some panic in her voice. She thought something happened.

After I calmed down, and took some deep breaths. ( That's our instruction to each other when we are upset) I thanked her for being such a good daughter and explained to her why I was upset. She said it is okay and she loved and appreciated me the way I am.

I needed confirmation though and asked her to be completely honest and tell me if she was ever embarrassed by my CP. She said absolutely not. She didn't think much about it except for when it was hard for me to do something but never embarrassed.

She also reminded me that when she was in 4-H she did a presentation on Cerebral Palsy so maybe others would understand. She doesn't remember the day she stood up for me. But I certainly do because it was that moment that I knew she would be okay with a Mom having CP.

Anyway, regardless how that thread upset me, in the end it made my daughter and I bond even closer. If that is even possible.

Every day I thank God for my daughter. But I have added a thanks for not just the daughter he gave me but for the loving, compassionate person she is.

LAUGHTER

My BabyGirl and I had our mother/daughter outing last night.  We had one of those laughing until we cried moments. I was telling her a dream I had. I promise you do not want to know the dream.  But I told her because I always tell her my crazy dreams.

It wasn't my 'ordinary' dreams like she being younger or can't find her, losing my car, etc.

She started laughing so hard that she made me start to laugh and then it began. I almost couldn't tell her all of the dream because we were laughing so hard.

It was a warming happy moment to watch her laugh so hard, even at my expense.

After we departed and I was on my way home and before I fell asleep, I started thinking.

When had we laughed so hard like that? I'm sure we had more like them.  Sometimes our drink was coming up through our noses.

I remember a couple of times when her father and I were together. He would do some things and it would put me into a laughing fit. It usually wasn't funny to him and he would get ticked off because I was laughing. I hope he has found some peace and able to laugh more than he did with us.

I don't know why I just wrote that paragraph. I thought about deleting it. But it's true. I hope he is finding more laughter in his life.

Sometimes MyHubby will laugh at something I say or do that wasn't meant to be funny. I kid him saying "You are always laughing AT Me" He says  what I say or do, is just funny sometimes. He says he'll never laugh AT me, always with me.  He is right.

I rather make him laugh than cry anyway.

I laugh at myself all the time. Many people need to do that, laugh at themselves. Lighten up.

I found some quotes about Laughter that I will close with.

An oldie but true: Laughter is the Best Medicine.

"I am thankful for laughter, except when it comes out of my nose." Woody Allen

"Laughter is an instant vacation." Milton Berle

"A day without laughter is a day wasted." Charlie Chaplin

"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it".  Bill Cosby

"Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache, and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and lightness of your life." Joan Lunden.

I Was Speechless!

 "You know your my number one right? The one I can always count on no matter what I'm dealing with. You say I'm your rock Mamma. But honestly, it's the Mamma who's the rock for their daughter."
                                                                                                                 My BabyGirl.


Yes, I was speechless. 

My  heart swelled. I cried.  Tears of happiness. Tears of pure Joy. Tears of pride. Tears of Accomplishment.

Me? Her Rock? Awesome! How many parents have heard that from their children?

I honestly never thought of being her rock. I don't know why. 

I always said SHE was my rock. She kept me going when I would have easily hung it all up. She was the reason for my fighting and staying here. She will always be my ROCK.

I am blessed to experience this sort of bond with an extraordinary daughter. 

This Is What Happens When I Am Left Alone In BabyGirl's Office Alone At

A while back before her 20th birthday, I went eat lunch with BabyGirl at her office. She had an unexpected meeting so I waited in her office. I became bored. Then I noticed a stack of Sticky Notes!  And these are the results! I captioned them since some are blurry and may be hard to read.

Don't Know When You'll Get this but my baby will be out of her teens, all grown up!

Your Mom is Proud of You!

Don't Forget this1 Your Mom (hearts) you!

Your Move Loves You LRG!

Love you bunches LRG. I will owe you a pack of sticky notes! Love Mom!

Your Mom Loves You More!

You make my heart sing and Happy!


My hope was that she would find one periodically since I did flip the notes randomly as I wrote. But the Smart (AZZ) and just can't resist a possible surprise she went through the whole pack after she found the first one. "SIGH"

By the way I did buy her a stack of Sticky Notes to replace the ones I had used!

20 years ago...

Twenty years ago, I gave birth to BabyGirl.  I never knew just how much love you can have for one person before I brought her into this world.

When I held her in my arms I knew my life was changed forever. I just did not know how much and how.

My life revolved around her for many years and I do not regret one moment.

I wish her life could be a lot easier but I think we all go through different struggles that makes us who we are.

She has filled my life with love,happiness and pride.

She has taught me so much throughout her life.

I thank God he has given me this beautiful child, inside and out.

Let's go down memory lane with some pics.

Newborn

5 years old

e

19 years old

It is hard to believe she has changed so much through the years! Wow, no longer a teen anymore!

HAPPY 20th Birthday Babygirl!

Wish Ex Would Stay Out of My Dream

It's 5 am and I woke up royally ticked off.

See, my ex was in my dream. Well, I think you can say it was a nightmare. 

The dream started that I was at a family reunion and we were hungry but the stew was not cooked.  My mom sent me to the store but when I came back everyone was eating. When I went to serve, there was no rice. 

I asked Mom what WTF was going on. 

She said, "I don't know. Everyone started eating". I said, "Well gee, I didn't get any and I'm hungry." She concurred that she was hungry too.

Then EX comes with our BabyGirl and demanded we needed to leave. I said, "Well the food is gone so I guess there was nothing to stay for.

We get back to the house that I had never lived in or recalled seeing. The three of us were joking and laughing.

All of a sudden, he tells BabyGirl to go to her room because mommy and daddy needed to talk. As always in my dreams, she was about 5-6 years old.

She leaves and he announces that if I don't get my stuff together in two weeks, he is leaving me and he was taking BabyGirl.

I asked him what he was talking about. He accused me of having an affair that he had caught me and I had promised I wouldn't talk to any of them again. HUH? I insisted that I never had an affair and he was crazy and couldn't prove in court. 

He pulls out letters that appears to be love letters between this guy and I. I argued I did not write those letters and this guy I have no clue who it was. Ex insisted that it was mine. I became very angry and irritated and shouted he was losing his mind.

We went back and forth defending our own case. He told me he already had a lawyer. His name was King Kangaroo. This is no joke. I am laughing now about that one.

Then his past verbal abuse started again. But it was at the stage where I used to fight back telling him to leave me alone and he needed to get a grip. 

BabyGirl reappears crying saying she did not want us to break up because she would be divided. I told her no she would still have us but separately.

Then Ex told me that I could have the house but he was going to sue me for the rest. I told him I didn't have anything else. He started ranting like he used to about nothing at all.

I woke up infuriated because after all these years of finally not having those kind of dreams occurred for no apparent reason. I have had no contact with him since BabyGirl's accident. He has not done anything to irritate me. I had resigned myself of not letting him, thoughts or anger into my life an more than necessary and I've been having a pretty good life. 

I knew I had to write this down so I can get it out of my head faster. MyLove was still here and I told him about my nightmare, He just shook his head and said it was only a dream I know it was only a  dream but having vivid upsetting dreams like that get to me and I always wonder why I dream what I dream. Because some can be so off the wall.

So I guess I'll mosey back into my bed and have better dreams to override this nightmare.

Thanks for stopping by and write something if you wish. I love to read my reader's comments.

Tis My Cajun Life

Just Maybe..

Every decent loving parent wants the best for their child.I am no different.

From the day BabyGirl was born my life revolved around her. I do not have any regrets living life around her at all. I would do it all over again.

I have made my mistakes as all parents do. I look back and wonder.  If I had done something different maybe everything would be different, for the better.

I try not to live with the could've, should've and would've. BUT in the past few years, circumstances occurred that has made me wonder where did I fail as a parent.

I know I did the best I could with what I had. I know I gave her all the love I had in me.

However, I continue to punish myself for what I have failed to do as a parent.

At any moment that feeling of the black hole opens and lingers. My heart aches showing I have not forgiven myself for all those mistakes.

I've been told I am too hard on myself.  Maybe I am. I do not know how to change it.

I think sometimes when the moments are good, I fool myself that I have forgiven myself.

I try to pinpoint exactly why I do not forgive myself.  I try to pinpoint what I need to forgive myself for. I can't come up with only one mistake. I come up with a flood of them, some I even realize is trivial.

The past month has been chaotic. I am so glad it is not replaying in my lifetime. Things are going back to normal, whatever that is.

When I walked away from my marriage with BabyGirl's father and started dating, I hoped I would find a man who would love me and her unconditionally. I wanted more of a male role model for her.

I realized it was a long shot if not impossible.

However, I can confidently say I did ONE thing right. I have given her a male model to look up to and to depend on.  I have fulfilled one of my hopes.

It is a slow process but I can see the gaps closing between them.  It's a new process for them individually so it will take time but that's okay.

Maybe, just maybe, I did at least one thing right.