Disappointment In Priest's Response

As posted previously I encountered a tactless Priest a few weekends ago. It upsets me and I have thought about it ever since. It bugged me so much I knew I couldn't let it go. After talking to others and praying I came up with a plan. 

I did not want to resolve this with animosity or put him in an awkward position. But I did want him to know what he had done.

After mass this past weekend, Hubby and I lingered until there were a handful people left that were off to the side talking among themselves.  I made my move.

I walked up to the Priest smiling and as we shook hands I put my other hand over his and looked into his eyes.

"Hello Father, the other day you asked me why I walked the way I did,..." I began. 

He ended the eye contact immediately interrupting and retorted "Yes, I wanted to know if you were hurt." 

At that moment, I knew it was not going to turn out the way I had hoped. His body language and averting eyes showed me he wanted to me go away. 

Determined and attempting eye contact (but failing as he looked everywhere but at me) l  softly said "Well I want you to know that I have Cerebral Palsy. You can Google it if you are interested.  I was hurt and embarrassed when you loudly asked me in front of most of the congregation. I am telling you this because I do not want anyone else to feel like I did. "

He chuckled (Yes he chucked although awkwardly) and said, "That was not the way I meant." 

Someone walked pass and he turned to them leaving me standing there and started talking to them. I was dismissed I guess. I just stared at him for a few seconds and walked away.

I was so very disappointed. I felt like I had failed.

But I didn't fail. I had a mission to inform him how it affected me.  The results weren't what I expected but I was able to do what I had set out to do.

I had faith and hope that he would see his error and attempt to make it okay. But he did not even apologize.  Probably in his mind, he did nothing wrong.

Maybe as he did me, I caught him off guard. Maybe he was so shocked he couldn't think 

I pray that he at least gives it one more thought before he acts like that with another person. 

I also will not let it affect whether I go to church or not. I will  enter the church every weekend with my head up high.  I am not going to mass because of his. I am going spend time with God!

Through my life I have had realizations as most of us do.  One of them is sometimes as much as you try, some people don't always get it or they do not want to get it. Regardless, it is nothing on me as long as I did my best. 

I have a blogger friend, Lyndz who also has CP.  She recounted my story adding her own personal experience with her parents who are Pastors. Please check out her blog. She even asked followers to stop at my blog and give "me some love." She made me smile. But her story always pull at my heart strings. I think of what I went through with this Priest, and it is nothing compared to what she had to go through with her own parents. She described me as a "fellow soldier in the cerebral palsy trenches". What an analogy! I love it. I wholeheartedly think likewise about her.  Thank you so very much Lyndzy

Warriors with CP such as ourselves need to band together for support and not feel so alone. 

She also posted a video. I admit I am not into music nowadays  I only listen to it when I am in the car and that is usually a classic rock. But this video pretty much hits home.

Thanks to everyone who has commented and emailed me with your love, support and advice. It is appreciated greatly.  

Awkward Moment with Priest Because of Disability.

As most people with disabilities, I have to deal with ignorance. Some I have written about. Here is a previous post. As I have aged I let much of it roll off my back. I don't worry about it. You get used to it for the most part. But we are still human and it upsets us sometimes.

Sometimes I find it humorous.  I've seen people, both adults and children, staring at me as they walk not looking where they are going and nearly bump into something or trip. I giggle and think it serves them right.  Hubby sometimes notices and says under his breath, "Take a  picture."

I understand the curiosity. I really do.

I hear adults talking to each other, "Oh like at that poor girl, she is so crippled" etc. I probably could fill a whole book with a collection of what people have said or done. 

Kids are the worse. They are the loudest. They laugh, point and attempt to imitate. Sometimes I want to just go over to them and smack them. But then I remind myself they were not raised properly. It is really not their fault.

For the kids I have come up with some answers. They'll ask in different versions, "Why do you walk funny?" I learn to say, "God made me this way."  Which they don't understand either. Their attention span is so short they move on.

I hate attention to myself immensely. If you read my blog, you know that. 

This past weekend after mass Hubby and I strolled with the crowd to the exit where Father was standing. We just started going back to church and this Priest wasn't there before. 

We make our way and I shake his hand and told him I enjoyed the sermon. It was a great sermon. Then he looks down at my legs and says very LOUDLY, "Oh my! You walk with a limp. What happened to you?" I felt like everyone got quiet and turned. 

Okay, maybe not EVERYONE but some did. It was one of those moments I detest. Everything just blurred. And I am not one to have a quick comeback like I wish I would.

I awkwardly smiled and said"It's just me". 

He continued to stare at my legs, "Your limp is just you? What happened?"

I was not going to stand there and explain to him because 1) There were people behind us waiting for their turn. 2) If I told him he would have no idea what it is anyway. 3) It was one of those moments that I felt very uncomfortable and I was almost speechless. I wanted to run out of there.

The first thing that came into my head would not have been proper to say to a Priest.  So I just responded, "Its the way I walk."

Hubby didn't notice much of it because of the crowd and he sometimes just doesn't pay attention. He was holding my hand but I let go because I just wanted to get away as I could from the scrutiny. 

Later that night, I expressed my feelings to Hubby. He said he heard him but he didn't notice how embarrassed I was. He took it as the Priest being curious. I think he is conditioned as I usually am.

As I thought about it during the night, I because furious and confused. How can a Man of God be so ignorant?  How can this man so blatantly and loudly embarrass a parishioner?

 I talked to my Mom about it this morning. My argument was he is supposed to be the Man of God. He shouldn't have scrutinized me like that. She told me to remember that he is also a Man, a human being with his own faults.

For some reason I can't get that incident out of my head.  I usually brush incidents like that and move on.  I guess because the last person I thought would do something like that was a Man of God.

We won't be going to mass at the church this weekend because we'll be at a retreat. But what about the next time?  

Maybe I should hand him a print out on CP?  I thought about emailing as they do have a site explaining to him my limp and the way he made me feel.   But is it going overboard? 

Why do we, people with disabilities, always have to explain to people why we walk the way we do or why we do the things we have to do with a disability?  To COMPLETE STRANGERS, no less.

I hope you share your honest thoughts with me and if possible, share this post. How would you have responded?  Eventually, I'll get over it.  Did I overreact?  I usually don't ask anyone to share my posts. I figure if you want to share it, you will.  But I would really like as many people's views of the situation as possible. You can agree or disagree, any feedback is appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Battle of The Ants-Dream

It's been a while that I wrote about my dreams. Here is a recent one.

I'm dressed in military camouflage pants, shirt and helmet equipped with a big gun that looks like a cannon. I'm in a squad room which actually looks like a hospital nursing station. My commander is telling us we are being surrounded by hundreds of ants.

Feeling like I am in a video game, I exit the squad room and walk into the middle of thousands of ant hills with millions of tiny ants coming at me. I start shooting. Orange flare from my cannon like gun evaporates the hills and ants.. After what seemed like hours, our team leader states we have had a successful mission.

We all cheer as we walk back to the squad room. Our commander, which is actually a cousin, Karin commands we need to debrief and then we can go home.

As I wait my turn, I call my mom. My mom is upset because evidently I was suppose to get home before Mass. I told her I would try but had to debrief and it may take an hour. She reminds me (Without having to because I heard it all before) that mass Mas in a hour and asked how was I suppose to make it. I told her I could only do what I can.

Next scene: I am running into the church, Mass is almost over. Everyone turns. I look for my Mom where she usually sits but she is not there. The attendants all point the other direction. She walks to me and told me it was about time.  She and dad wanted to bring me eat. I explained to her I had to debrief. She said she did not even know I was in the army and how was I allowed to be in the army with my disability. I told her it did not take much convincing, She gave me one of her trademark looks of exasperation. I thankfully woke up.

Do I really want to analyze this: Oh what the hell.

ANTS: MyHubby and I went to our land the other day and we were discussing how we needed to get a hold of the ants and devised a plan.

ARMY: No clue.

MOM AND Dad: I don't know. Maybe its a sign for me to call and touch base with them.

KARIN, MY COUSIN: Recently I read some of her posts. Why is she the commander. No idea!

HOSPITAL SETTING: Maybe I've seen many of my Facebook friends and family members have been in the hospital or went to the doctor. I've also been sick. Feeling better though.

MASS: The incident with BabyGirl with her church in my last post.

If you have any thoughts, feel free to share.

And as always thanks for stopping by!

Dream-Church--Unintentional Religion Rant

My dream night before last started with Randal and I arriving at St. Marcellus Church, the church I grew up going to as well as where my daughter was an altar server. First of all, the parking lanes were different positions where they were before. Then the church was surrounded by portable buildings that linked together.

We entered what we thought was the church but although it looked like a church on the outside, it looked like a gym inside. I was bewildered and then my nephew ran up to us from what seems nowhere. He was around 7 years of age with his curly hair dribbling a basketball. He asked us to go play basketball. I thought why in the heck is there basketball. He offered an handicap of a few points if we played with him. I told him no, that we were here for mass. He said, “You are NO fun.” Scene change..

We walk to one of the portables that were on the side and there was a line of people going in. We got to the entrance where the holder of the holy water is to do the sign of the cross as you enter church. Randal and I dipped our finger in the holy water, did the sign of the cross and it was known to wait in line until everyone entered and did the sign of the cross. After everyone had entered the line of people walked near a confession booth. An obese man was directing us commanding that we stay in the same line, there would be no cutting or talking and we had to wait until EVERYONE finished each duty. I don't know what my confession was.

My dream skipped to us walking into the gym/church where we had began. Half of the gym was an altar with a huge cross of Jesus, bigger that I have ever seen. There were two kneelers around 5 feet long right in front of the altar withe kneeling. There were many people kneeling and of course we had to wait for everyone to finish. We found a place on the floor as we finished and waited for the others. As we waited, I whispered to MyLove, that this waiting was ridiculous. He loudly SHH's me! I continued to mumble. It just seemed like it was a very long ordeal in my dream.

Finally, after everyone was finished a man came to the altar and started his sermon. Don't remember the sermon but after, he said, “Let's eat.” Evidently we didn't know to bring anything to eat or drink but most of everyone else had a ice chest.

A young teenage boy approaches and told us we could buy our lunch so I gave him a twenty for two sandwiches and 2 cokes. He returns with the food and was about to walk off. I reminded him that I had change coming. He said he'll be back. He returns with 2 cokes and candy bars. I inquired what those were for. He said, “That's your change.” I said, “No! I want my 10+.” He retorted that I got my change pointing at the coke and candy. I was totally frustrated...and then I woke up..

Analysis: Maybe God is telling me he wants me to go to church more. However, if the church hadn't pretty much excommunicated us, we would go to church. But after I found out by a priest since a) I was married in a catholic church in order to be in “GOOD FAITH IN THE CHURCH”S EYES I would have to get it annulled to remarry again in the church. I understand that, been there and done that. But being MyLove and I are “living in sin” and having intimacy, the priest cannot absolute me from my sins because what I am doing is a sin and I would just turn around and commit the sin again. I understand that too.

However, they want $$$ for the annulment and I went through it after my first doomed marriage from the start. They ask many questions that I found was not any of their business WHATSOEVER. They could annul it or then they can reject it with my money, no refund. MyLove was married but not in a Catholic church so he has no worries except living with me in sin.

So I guess we are doomed to hell if it is the priest's decision. That conversation with the priest just turned us off. We feel it's nonproductive to go to mass. We read our bibles and I pray every morning and every night. I have the confidence to know GOD will accept us in his kingdom. I have God in MY heart. I don't need a priest to be the mediator.

I believe the Catholic Church needs to conform where our world is at now. I'm not saying to do away with the commandments, I'm just saying it's quite disturbing that a “MAN OF GOD” will tell me I will never be right with God if I continue to live in sin. Even if MyLove and I marry, which would be with the Justice of the Peace, in the Catholic Church's view, we are still doomed because of not having that piece of paper from the Diocese stating my marriage was anulled.

I don't think God would have wanted me to get married again and then it wouldn't work out and cause the pain,suffering and financial strain I went through my previous marriages and divorces. And I thought my last marriage was a good one at first, if I am honest,. However, the last years of the marriage was complete disastrous. It was so dysfunctional I cried every night after I left because I realized how bad it really was and God took his time in showing me what to do.But he did come through.

They wonder why people are leaving the Catholic Church. I can tell you numerous reasons but this wasn't started as a religion rant. I DO believe there is a God and always will.