Disappointment In Priest's Response

As posted previously I encountered a tactless Priest a few weekends ago. It upsets me and I have thought about it ever since. It bugged me so much I knew I couldn't let it go. After talking to others and praying I came up with a plan. 

I did not want to resolve this with animosity or put him in an awkward position. But I did want him to know what he had done.

After mass this past weekend, Hubby and I lingered until there were a handful people left that were off to the side talking among themselves.  I made my move.

I walked up to the Priest smiling and as we shook hands I put my other hand over his and looked into his eyes.

"Hello Father, the other day you asked me why I walked the way I did,..." I began. 

He ended the eye contact immediately interrupting and retorted "Yes, I wanted to know if you were hurt." 

At that moment, I knew it was not going to turn out the way I had hoped. His body language and averting eyes showed me he wanted to me go away. 

Determined and attempting eye contact (but failing as he looked everywhere but at me) l  softly said "Well I want you to know that I have Cerebral Palsy. You can Google it if you are interested.  I was hurt and embarrassed when you loudly asked me in front of most of the congregation. I am telling you this because I do not want anyone else to feel like I did. "

He chuckled (Yes he chucked although awkwardly) and said, "That was not the way I meant." 

Someone walked pass and he turned to them leaving me standing there and started talking to them. I was dismissed I guess. I just stared at him for a few seconds and walked away.

I was so very disappointed. I felt like I had failed.

But I didn't fail. I had a mission to inform him how it affected me.  The results weren't what I expected but I was able to do what I had set out to do.

I had faith and hope that he would see his error and attempt to make it okay. But he did not even apologize.  Probably in his mind, he did nothing wrong.

Maybe as he did me, I caught him off guard. Maybe he was so shocked he couldn't think 

I pray that he at least gives it one more thought before he acts like that with another person. 

I also will not let it affect whether I go to church or not. I will  enter the church every weekend with my head up high.  I am not going to mass because of his. I am going spend time with God!

Through my life I have had realizations as most of us do.  One of them is sometimes as much as you try, some people don't always get it or they do not want to get it. Regardless, it is nothing on me as long as I did my best. 

I have a blogger friend, Lyndz who also has CP.  She recounted my story adding her own personal experience with her parents who are Pastors. Please check out her blog. She even asked followers to stop at my blog and give "me some love." She made me smile. But her story always pull at my heart strings. I think of what I went through with this Priest, and it is nothing compared to what she had to go through with her own parents. She described me as a "fellow soldier in the cerebral palsy trenches". What an analogy! I love it. I wholeheartedly think likewise about her.  Thank you so very much Lyndzy

Warriors with CP such as ourselves need to band together for support and not feel so alone. 

She also posted a video. I admit I am not into music nowadays  I only listen to it when I am in the car and that is usually a classic rock. But this video pretty much hits home.

Thanks to everyone who has commented and emailed me with your love, support and advice. It is appreciated greatly.  

Messenger Brings Me Direction

I've been trying to write this since Sunday night but I just can't seem to pen my thoughts clearly.

I have always said God has his reasons for everything. He just takes his time in making me understand why. He gave me direction that I could not miss this weekend. Finally, at a faster pace. He usually takes his sweet ole time.

Hubby and I attended a Weekend Married Couple's Retreat. It was our second since we've been married 14 months ago. I've gone to the Women's Retreat several times through the years. I always come back refreshed, renewed and much closer to God.

In a previous post, I talked about my awkward experience with my Priest.  It has bothered me since. As my post showed I was embarrassed, angry and confused. But as time wore on the anger subsided. But I felt a need that I needed to do something. But what?

I do not want anyone to feel like I did with this person.

 I've had many of you responding with your suggestions and I am so grateful. Thank you for not just the advice but the compassion and love you have shown me.

I had a conference with the Jesuit Priest first. He is down to earth and actually has more realistic beliefs. Hubby and I are astonished how this elderly Priest has views that actually relate to the "real world'.  He is kind and funny. And he has given me sound advice and direction through the years.

However, I was disappointed when I asked for advice concerning this exchange between the Priest and I. I thought he was joking at first. But his solution was since the church had more than one door, to use the other door. Again, I was speechless. My thought was "hell no" but I nodded. 

After that conversation I really had to pray and reflect. 

That afternoon we had a conference led by the Directors of the retreat. The directors were a married couple, Gloria and Francis Vanderwall. Gloria shared her story of growing up with a disability (Polio) and how she was judged.  One of the points was to  be careful what you call people because it can be a lasting effect on the person. Yes, we have all heard it said many times. But we all have to remind ourselves on a regular basis. 

As I listened to her story, I realized how our lives were alike. We both had disabilities, her parents raised us similarly and we have the same distaste of the word "CRIPPLED." My view of the term "Crippled" is in a post I wrote here. My tear ducts filled as I listened. 

During my reflection and prayer after the conference I told Hubby I really needed to talk to her. I had to let her know she touched me and that she had made a difference.

I asked Hubby to come with me because when we go alone to the Directors or Priest during these retreats, we lose some things that were said. Something like two heads are better than one.

She and I talked mostly with Hubby listening and periodically adding his thoughts. It was heartwarming to hear some of the things Hubby said that I didn't realize he even saw or realized. I'll leave that for another post in the future.

As we talked we were both near tears because that pain we have from being called Crippled came to surface spewing.  I shared the situation with the Priest. I told her all the emotions I had felt.  Or so I thought.

Then she said, "You were hurt. It hurts."

WOW!  It was like a glass of cold water was thrown in my face. She was right. I never add hurt or pain when something like this happens. 

During reflection later I asked myself why have I seldom said it hurts? I think I know the answer. 

Subconsciously I think if I show the pain and hurt it makes me seem weak. Not to others but to myself. I do not want others to see how vulnerable I am. I do not want people to feel sorry for me.  

By the end of our session I felt the weight lifted off my heart and shoulders. You don't realize how you are stressed until it is lifted..  

I asked her for advice of how to handle the situation with the Priest. She told me unfortunately I will have to educate him. I knew that. I sometimes feel like I should not have to educate ignorant people. She, like so many of you,  advised to tell him exactly how I felt face to face. She helped me with a scenario that I can handle.  I m looking forward to addressing the Priest after mass. I will certainly post the outcome.

I firmly believe God made her his messenger for me. She helped me realize how I was actually hurt more than anything. How I have denied to admit it is hurtful to myself. I have to work on that and I can tell it is going to be a long road but then I know I can't fail because God is holding my hand.

These retreats give you a lot of time to reflect and pray. The silence makes you analyze everything about yourself.   God. Your relationship with God. Your spouse. Your marriage. Your life. Everything.

I wonder what would happen if someone called me a name and I responded, "It hurts when you say that." I instantly think there response would be either laughing it off or sheer embarrassment. Or maybe they don't really care. And if they didn't care, how would that affect me?  

I am human. It will always hurt. I do not want to deal with the insignificant ignorant people. But maybe  that is one of my roles God has given to me. To teach people compassion. Educate them on things they have no clue about.  Or at least try.

The important thing I have to remember is God Loves me. He loves me even with my sins. He loves me despite my limitations. I am one of his children. That is what I need to focus on.

I want to end with this. Before you open your mouth and call someone a name, any name. Stop. Think what kind of effect it could do to that person, for the rest of their life?  If you are curious about something, and have the need to ask what happened etc, do it discreetly and in a respectful way.

Awkward Moment with Priest Because of Disability.

As most people with disabilities, I have to deal with ignorance. Some I have written about. Here is a previous post. As I have aged I let much of it roll off my back. I don't worry about it. You get used to it for the most part. But we are still human and it upsets us sometimes.

Sometimes I find it humorous.  I've seen people, both adults and children, staring at me as they walk not looking where they are going and nearly bump into something or trip. I giggle and think it serves them right.  Hubby sometimes notices and says under his breath, "Take a  picture."

I understand the curiosity. I really do.

I hear adults talking to each other, "Oh like at that poor girl, she is so crippled" etc. I probably could fill a whole book with a collection of what people have said or done. 

Kids are the worse. They are the loudest. They laugh, point and attempt to imitate. Sometimes I want to just go over to them and smack them. But then I remind myself they were not raised properly. It is really not their fault.

For the kids I have come up with some answers. They'll ask in different versions, "Why do you walk funny?" I learn to say, "God made me this way."  Which they don't understand either. Their attention span is so short they move on.

I hate attention to myself immensely. If you read my blog, you know that. 

This past weekend after mass Hubby and I strolled with the crowd to the exit where Father was standing. We just started going back to church and this Priest wasn't there before. 

We make our way and I shake his hand and told him I enjoyed the sermon. It was a great sermon. Then he looks down at my legs and says very LOUDLY, "Oh my! You walk with a limp. What happened to you?" I felt like everyone got quiet and turned. 

Okay, maybe not EVERYONE but some did. It was one of those moments I detest. Everything just blurred. And I am not one to have a quick comeback like I wish I would.

I awkwardly smiled and said"It's just me". 

He continued to stare at my legs, "Your limp is just you? What happened?"

I was not going to stand there and explain to him because 1) There were people behind us waiting for their turn. 2) If I told him he would have no idea what it is anyway. 3) It was one of those moments that I felt very uncomfortable and I was almost speechless. I wanted to run out of there.

The first thing that came into my head would not have been proper to say to a Priest.  So I just responded, "Its the way I walk."

Hubby didn't notice much of it because of the crowd and he sometimes just doesn't pay attention. He was holding my hand but I let go because I just wanted to get away as I could from the scrutiny. 

Later that night, I expressed my feelings to Hubby. He said he heard him but he didn't notice how embarrassed I was. He took it as the Priest being curious. I think he is conditioned as I usually am.

As I thought about it during the night, I because furious and confused. How can a Man of God be so ignorant?  How can this man so blatantly and loudly embarrass a parishioner?

 I talked to my Mom about it this morning. My argument was he is supposed to be the Man of God. He shouldn't have scrutinized me like that. She told me to remember that he is also a Man, a human being with his own faults.

For some reason I can't get that incident out of my head.  I usually brush incidents like that and move on.  I guess because the last person I thought would do something like that was a Man of God.

We won't be going to mass at the church this weekend because we'll be at a retreat. But what about the next time?  

Maybe I should hand him a print out on CP?  I thought about emailing as they do have a site explaining to him my limp and the way he made me feel.   But is it going overboard? 

Why do we, people with disabilities, always have to explain to people why we walk the way we do or why we do the things we have to do with a disability?  To COMPLETE STRANGERS, no less.

I hope you share your honest thoughts with me and if possible, share this post. How would you have responded?  Eventually, I'll get over it.  Did I overreact?  I usually don't ask anyone to share my posts. I figure if you want to share it, you will.  But I would really like as many people's views of the situation as possible. You can agree or disagree, any feedback is appreciated. Thanks in advance.