Chronic illnesses Cause Depression and Questions Faith

My recent medical woes have put me into a downward spiral into depression. Since I last wrote, add urinary tract infection to the list. The others have stabilized.

I know what depression is.  There are different types. The one I am familiar with is Clinical  I went through it, was on medication and therapy years ago when I was having trouble with Ex.  My therapist had mentioned he was surprised with my long history of chronic illness that I had not been depressed before and sought help before.

However, with his help, medication and my life changing I was fine. Been off antidepressants for years.

So I haven't felt like this in years. Yes, I get depressed and I get out of it. But this time it's lingering and intensifying.

I have that heavy feeling in my chest. I know that sign is not good. I feel like I can cry at a drop of a hat.  I have the major don't wants. I don't care about anything. I am uninterested in the computer, reading etc.

I sit here and look around thinking what I could be doing and what needs to be done. But I just sit.

I know what it is. I know what I should do. But its like I am paralyzed.  I go outside sometimes and I feel a tad better. I try to do the things I should be doing but after a few minutes, I say screw it and stop.

I have been thinking it is the Prednisone and I'm pretty sure it is. But I am finally finished it. I am praying I won't need it again for a while. I am praying this blows over.

I feel so bad because Hubby needs to deal with me. I shut him out. I don't mean to but I do not want to burden him more. He does not deserve me or any of this.

Chronic illnesses don't only affect the person physically. It affects them spiritually, sexually and mentally. Add depression to the mix and you have a monster.

Chronic illnesses also affect that person's relationships. Again, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

I have been so tired lately….of me.  It's not self pity. I am just tired of it. I just want it all to go away.

I pray but then get angry. I try to have faith. It is so hard when you just keep getting slapped back down. There comes a time you just want to stay down.

My friend Jeff has been going through a lot more than I lately. We corresponded recently and we have different problems but it is the same when it comes to if it is not one thing, it is another.

I keep asking why are there really bad people like killers, molesters, mean spirited who don't go through stuff like we do? Those who judge others,. Those who are selfish and self-centered. Those who don't deserve the good things in life because they've destroyed others.

Okay maybe I deserve it but my friend Jeff doesn't. And all those poor kids and people with worse things than me or Jeff? Why do they have to suffer?

We (I'm using 'we' for Jeff and I but it could be any of you) are good people. We try to do good and obey the law. We are compassionate and loving. We don't want or need much but here we are. We keep getting beaten down again and again. If it is not one health problem it is another. If it is not health something else goes wrong. When we are just trying to live a simple life.

If God forgives everyone and our journey of pain and suffering on earth is a path to eternal blissful life with him, why do bad mean spirited people get the same thing? They are bad on earth but they may receive forgiveness at their time of death.

I don't know.

If you have any thoughts do share.

I apologize that this post is all over the place. I just needed to let it out.

My Latest Mantra

I've been sitting here thankful I didn't have to go anywhere. Early this morning I transferred from my bed to Hubby's chair in Media room. I grabbed remote and watched couple of hours of TV. Got up, took meds, grabbed Ensure, heated brunch in microwave and plopped again in Hubby's chair.

I ate, shuffled dishes back to sink in kitchen and washed, saved dishes Hubby washed, and shuffled to my chair and between potty breaks this is where I stayed.

Oh I did pick up the phone and order something for our Christmas meal that I'll hopefully pick up Monday after my follow-up appointment.

I stared outside, it's a gloomy day to fit my mood. The wind was so strong I thought our roof was going to fly away.  I was thankful I did not have to get out in this yucky weather.

Then I sat and thought. I thought of stuff I should not be thinking about. I thought of what the new year may bring. At least we'll start our New Year in a home. We were homeless living with my MIL until our home was ready.

I thought about where I am going? Where will I be? I've told Hubby several times lately, it's like I am in a rut.

I guess God solved that giving me the medical crisis. It's not the kind of resolution I was thinking of but I guess its his answer. 

Maybe its an example of watching out what you wish for.

Hubby told me that he regrets not bringing me to the doctor that Monday, it could have avoided the hospitalization. He may be right. But looking at the bright side, he says, I did get to see a few people I had not seen in ages, otherwise. He is right. 

Oh yea, I think I need to post that blog post. Gawd I can't remember anything if my life depended on it.

At the end of a year, a lot of people who had a great year wants to continue into the following year. The people who had a dreadful or semi good year wishes for a better year.

Well I'm all wished out. Even if I wish simple things, it never comes true. The hits just keep coming.

I know there are many people who are worse off than me. There are others who have no food, shelter or family.  I know I am having my very own pity party.

My latest mantra is, "I just wish it would stop!"

What do I mean by that? Your guess is as good as mine. 

No, I'm not on a suicidal mission so no worries. It shall pass.

I just want a life for one year throwing NO curves. 

If you made it this far, thanks for stopping by and reading it through!

Spontaneous Written Poem

I woke up this morning and had this need to write what I am feeling. I didn't work with it like I usually do for days for it to come out just right.  You'll see when you read it. If anyone has any suggestions for the title (I am terrible at titling), I would be so grateful. 

Oh and one more thing! No worries. I am NOT contemplating on committing suicide etc. 

Suffering is the journey to eternal bliss
Or so they say.
But isn't their any other way?

The BLACK hole once again appears.
It PUSHES on my chest.
It PARALYZES my mind.
It FORMS lumps in my throat.
It IMMOBILIZES s my body.
It makes people around me worried.

I KNOW what it is!
I WANT to fight i!.
I HAVE to fight it!
I HATE it!

I talk to God every day.
I ask for strength to able to close the hole.
Or give me a sign to show me the way.
But sometimes talking to him is like talking to a pole.

From experience I know he will answer in one way or another, in due time
In the meantime I will continue to love HIM like no other.

As I know he is with me..seen him three times, at the last minute, changing his mind

I want to see him again with opened arms.
But not turn me away. once again!

Give me the trip to eternal bliss with my one-way ticket!

Written by Justlittlecajunme

 

Looking back

 I never imagined so many people sending me emails and private messages supporting me yesterday. We bitch about facebook and blogger but if I hadn't had any of you here I would have done something I would have regretted. Ya'll kept me busy responding to your notes etc. I give a sincere thank you to all. Ya'll mean so much to me, and not just because of yesterday. Everyone of you have impacted my life in a positive way.

Soon after my post on FB my BabyGirl called me worried. Regrettably, I poured my tears on her. She kept saying, "Mom, Breathe. Mom Breathe." She and I have been through alot. I always said God gave me My BabyGIrl to keep me going during times like these. She has always been my rock. She has no idea how many times I've kept going solely because of her. She has no clue how much power she has.

My mom coincidentally called me when I returned home. My BFF, Jeff I had not heard from in a while emailed me letting me know he was there. My cuz kept tabs on me throughout the day.

MyLove came home with hardly any clue what went down. He assured me everything would be okay. I was at one of my lowest. I fell asleep crying in his arms. I woke up around 2 am with a very bad anxiety attack. However, His words, "We'll be okay. I love you. and My BabyGirl's "Breathe Moma. Breathe" calmed and I went back to sleep.

I knew when I met MyLove, he was different than any man I knew. He was there for me as he is always. I can count on him. He's seen me through tough times. I've opened the door a few times for him to leave. He does not have to put up with me and my life. But he stays. He loves me. I am so grateful. I love him more than any man I loved. It wasn't that many but I had to go through a few toads to catch my prince.

I woke up this morning. I am not going to lie. I can feel the black hole wanting to suck me in.

I am fighting. I went over in my head what went down. Poor workers at the office. Everyone, including the visitors were on edge.  It is none of their fault. It's whoever made that vital mistake. It is our government's red tape. They've knocked me down a few times, yesterday one of the worst. But I am getting back up slowly...so far.

I have taken some of your suggestions. I called doctors and hospitals I am paying monthly and told them of my circumstance, they are willing to wait for next month. THANK GOODNESS. I guess everything else is going to take care of itself. Can't get blood out of a turnip, right?

I called the Congressman but as all government crappola, it was a recorded message. Go figure. LOL. I am going to write him and everyone I can find. I may not get any answers. It is my therapy. It is something I have to do.

God and I were not on good terms yesterday. There was a big miscommunication between he and I.  He watched me melt downl. WHY? I know all the bible stuff. This life of despair and hardships is a journey to eternal life with him. How much hardship can one take? All I want is to get by. I repeated, "He never gives me more than I can handle" That is questionable. I don't want anything luxurious. I just want to be to be able to breathe easily, be able to pay my bills at least.  I guess I am selfish in that way. Greedy compared to what others have. I don't know. His actions continue to be a mystery. I joke sometimes, I have to have a golden path to him by now. Right?

Anyway, I am tired. I am stressed.Once again, I am fighting the deep black hole. It is too close for comfort.

However I am better than yesterday. I had MyLove so worried, he just called me. He does that sometimes when he is away for lunch. But I can hear the concern. I hate when I make people worry.

I guess I'll be okay eventually. I have my army of each and everyone of you behind me with my family. How can I not be? Its another obstacle to trudge through

I can't say thank you enough or say any words to express my love and gratitude for all of you. THANK YOU AND BIG HUGS TO ALL !!.

The Dark Hole is Returning...

I was going to go to the grocery store this morning but I ended up at at the Social Security Office instead.

You see, I checked my bank account online and noticed my disability had not gone through. So I calmly called the SSA office and after 1/2 hour on the phone going through the questions and being passed from one to the other, nothing was solved. They simply couldn't find me in their system. I've been having a SS number since I was born and have been having disability since 1995. I gathered my information and went to the SS office, panicked by the time I got there.

After another 45 minutes of waiting  I was called. I tried as calmly as I could to explain to the lady my problem. She types in my information and says I am not there. It was like a de ja vu when the IRS told me and her father MyBabyGirl was never born when she was around 6 years of age.

I hand her the paper stating that I was disabled, last month's bank statement showing the deposit, my SS card an driver's license.

She reads the documents, comparing the documents a couple of times etc. I had been standing which is unusual for me because when I see a chair, I usually sit.

So she looks up at me concerned and says, "Have a seat Ma'am."  I sat at the edge of the seat. She says, "one moment". I watch her walk to the back and talked with a gentleman. After looking at another computer, I saw them whispering. They disappeared into another room  and was gone for 15 minutes. I was getting pissed!

She returns  and says, "Ma'am. You were deleted from the system." I asked rather loudly. "WHAT?"

She said, "We checked several sources and you were deleted accidentally." I astonishly said, "WTF! Who deleted me? She responses with a hush voice, "I don't know ma'am."

Voice raising because I was outraged and panicked, "What the hell? How can someone just delete me without me knowing about it until it is time for a check?"

She shifts in her chair and says, "We figured a person with the same name but a digit in the social security number was different and you were deleted instead of her."

I was trying to be logical knowing anyone can make a mistake, including myself, I say, "Okay so what next?" She said, "Well ma'am, we have to process it through." I asked, "Which means?". We have to send your documents to the main office and reinstate you. I blurted, "Are you fucking serious?" She said, "I'm sorry I can't give you any more explanation." I blubbered, "Well that is just so fucking nice. Ya'll lose me in your system and I have to wait? Trying to avoid eye intact, she said yes.

Melt down!

I said And what the fuck am I suppose to do in the meantime? How long is this going to take? She responds when your next check is deposited, this check and your next check will be deposited. I asked, "Next month". Again, no eye contact. "Yes"

I stand up and shout, "And how am I suppose to pay bills. I have my child's tuition, rent, food, utilities, insurance . I am going to have a bounced autodebit for my insurance.Tell me how am I going to do live for the next month."

By that time I see the man approach to stand behind the lady. And the security guard on the side of me. The waiting room was full of people and it was quiet. I'm crying waiting for an answer she couldn't answer, snot and tears rolling down. She gives me a kleenex and the man directs me to come to the back..

I asked for what? Was he going to give me my check? He apologetically responded, "Honey, I can't do that. It has to go through like the lady said." I said, "Can you tell me how I will pay my bills?" He shakes his head and says, "Maybe you have family to help you out?"

I said, "NO, I don't.What the fuck is wrong with you people. I can't work. I don't have additional resources.What the fuck am I suppose to do? Tell me.Just tell me what the fuck am I going to do. The security guard takes my arm and I instinctively pull back, of course I loose balance and almost fall. The SS man came from behind the desk and said, "c'mon sweetie, lets go to my office." The security office sternly gives me an ultimatium that I go with the gentleman or leave. I let the SS man take me in the back. I was losing it big time.

He gave me some water and some more kleenex. I sat there at the edge of my seat with my elbows on top of his desk and my hands holding my head and blubbered. I asked God just to take me out of this miserable life . The man apologized repeatedly. Asking me questions about my family and my daughter. I realized he was just trying to calm me down. I kept having to take deep breaths.

Other workers came in and out asking him questions regarding other issues. Each of them told me they were sorry and it would be okay. Easy for them to say. They will get their paychecks.After I finally calmed down, the man explained to me what happened again and apologized excessively but I appreciated his compassion. As I got up to leave he asked me if I was going to be okay. I said, "I guess. Financially this month I'm doomed.." He escorted me to the door and the security office discreetly followed me to my car and watched me drive away.

Life Sucks than you die. Death has to be better than this!