Friday, April 1, 2011

Suicide

I just finished reading a story by another blogger that was heartbreaking. She described her childhood friendship with her cousin to adulthood. It was somewhat a roller coaster as they were growing up. However as adults they were working things out and then a tragedy occurred. The cousin's boyfriend attempted suicide with the cousin there.

I can't imagine that feeling of having someone you love and cared for trying to or succeeding in killing themselves. Admittedly, at one time I considered suicide as an 'easy way out' and 'selfishness". Until I went near that deep unending abyss contemplating the same very thing.

I know a few friends whose spouses committed suicide, some peers' parents committed suicide and even a neighbor. I felt for the ones who were left behind. Anger because dammit I thought they were thinking of themselves. They are. They want to get out of that damn hell hole they are in whether it be financial, mental illness, relationships, self-hate, whatever.

One should never judge as I did and so many others. What goes through the mind of those who contemplate suicide is their own personal experience with the demon. It is a very dreary deep feeling you have. It is indescribable. I've known it once in my life and never wish it on anyone else nor want to ever go there again!

Let me remind you, I am no expert. These are just my thoughts and experience.

I remember that day I contemplated suicide. My self esteem and self confidence was nil. When I sought treatment later, the psychologist was both worried and awed because he said with all my past medical history, he was surprised I didn't get help sooner.

I thought how I would accomplish suicide

Ways:   Gun (I would have to find one). Stab (I couldn't do it), Hang (I was too short to reach the rope high. LOL)  I resolved my choice was overdose. I had the meds to do it.

When: I knew for sure that I didn't want to see my child or parents or sister see the aftermath. I really wanted to do it right before my now-ex came home and see what he helped me do. I wanted to SHOW him that I was done and it was his fault. He would have know because I would have written him a letter.

However, I had my daughter, who ultimately saved me from doing anything spontaneously.

I was climbing the walls one day, putter pattering all over. I couldn't keep still. I couldn't get on the computer. I couldn't do housework. I couldn't pray. I had to get out of the house. So I left. As I got into my car the very thought of speeding and going off the road occurred to me. After all, there were winding roads and bumpy roads to make me over correct at a fast speed and run off the road. But I made it to the church. 

I believe God steered me to it.

My heart was beating hard and fast. I sobbed uncontrollably. When I pulled onto the door to my Savior's home anticipating some kind of relief, it wouldn't budge. It was locked! I pulled numerous times screaming uncontrollable, "OPEN! DAMMIT" Yelling at God to open the damn door!  It didn't open and no one answered. I ran, yes literally ran to the priest home on the side, knocked on his many doors but again no one answered. I didn't even notice his car wasn't there until I was leaving.

God had failed me, I thought. Maybe he wanted me in his kingdom.

I remembering pressing my hands over my ears sobbing and screaming, falling onto a rocker by the door rocking for I don't know how long. I cried and cried asking myself what am I doing? I can't leave my baby. My baby can't think I didn't love her. But I couldn't take it anymore.

I couldn't take now-ex's abuse, his temper, the look of hate on his face when he looked at me anymore I was tired of feeling helpless and unloved by a man that I gave my all to just to be knocked down. I was tired of not knowing how he would be when he came home. I was tired of being treated like shit. I was tired of my mistakes being thrown at me. I was tired of being controlled on how much I had to spend on our daughter's needs. My needs didn't matter. 

Out of the clear blue sky, the thought that my Granny was buried somewheres in that cemetery. I love and her miss her so.  I walked into the cemetery and searched. I found her plot and sat on it. My body trembled as I cried talking to her aloud. I told her spirit all my problems and I wanted to see her again. I wanted to be off this earth NOW. I wanted to be in her arms. I didn't want to live anymore.  I have had enough!

Suddenly a huge wind came over me and a thought occurred to me. I can't leave my baby and certainly not with him. Then and there I knew I had to get help. Finally, all the weight I had on my shoulders lifted off. I drove safely home, called my now-ex's insurance and asked how I could get help. They worked remarkably fast after being told I was contemplating suicide. I was seen by a therapist a couple of days later. I still say to this day, my baby girl was my reason for trying to move on as well as Jesus and Granny sending messages through the wind.

So, I often wonder what brought the men and women who went through with the suicide to get to the point of doing it. They had families who cared for them and loved them as mine did. What was different? I don't know. I dare not say I was stronger because I wasn't. I was lowest of the low. None of my family knew this nor do they know now. Well after I post it some may read it and it'll spread like wildfire. So be it. That WAS my life. I didn't want them to know then.

I slowly found my way out of the unending abyss. I already had that one reason to live. My Daughter. I fought depression for years. I was on medication for a while.

But I left the situation after building myself up, found a new life and love and don't see going back to that deep hole ever again.

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