Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Dark Hole is Returning...

I was going to go to the grocery store this morning but I ended up at at the Social Security Office instead.

You see, I checked my bank account online and noticed my disability had not gone through. So I calmly called the SSA office and after 1/2 hour on the phone going through the questions and being passed from one to the other, nothing was solved. They simply couldn't find me in their system. I've been having a SS number since I was born and have been having disability since 1995. I gathered my information and went to the SS office, panicked by the time I got there.

After another 45 minutes of waiting  I was called. I tried as calmly as I could to explain to the lady my problem. She types in my information and says I am not there. It was like a de ja vu when the IRS told me and her father MyBabyGirl was never born when she was around 6 years of age.

I hand her the paper stating that I was disabled, last month's bank statement showing the deposit, my SS card an driver's license.

She reads the documents, comparing the documents a couple of times etc. I had been standing which is unusual for me because when I see a chair, I usually sit.

So she looks up at me concerned and says, "Have a seat Ma'am."  I sat at the edge of the seat. She says, "one moment". I watch her walk to the back and talked with a gentleman. After looking at another computer, I saw them whispering. They disappeared into another room  and was gone for 15 minutes. I was getting pissed!

She returns  and says, "Ma'am. You were deleted from the system." I asked rather loudly. "WHAT?"

She said, "We checked several sources and you were deleted accidentally." I astonishly said, "WTF! Who deleted me? She responses with a hush voice, "I don't know ma'am."

Voice raising because I was outraged and panicked, "What the hell? How can someone just delete me without me knowing about it until it is time for a check?"

She shifts in her chair and says, "We figured a person with the same name but a digit in the social security number was different and you were deleted instead of her."

I was trying to be logical knowing anyone can make a mistake, including myself, I say, "Okay so what next?" She said, "Well ma'am, we have to process it through." I asked, "Which means?". We have to send your documents to the main office and reinstate you. I blurted, "Are you fucking serious?" She said, "I'm sorry I can't give you any more explanation." I blubbered, "Well that is just so fucking nice. Ya'll lose me in your system and I have to wait? Trying to avoid eye intact, she said yes.

Melt down!

I said And what the fuck am I suppose to do in the meantime? How long is this going to take? She responds when your next check is deposited, this check and your next check will be deposited. I asked, "Next month". Again, no eye contact. "Yes"

I stand up and shout, "And how am I suppose to pay bills. I have my child's tuition, rent, food, utilities, insurance . I am going to have a bounced autodebit for my insurance.Tell me how am I going to do live for the next month."

By that time I see the man approach to stand behind the lady. And the security guard on the side of me. The waiting room was full of people and it was quiet. I'm crying waiting for an answer she couldn't answer, snot and tears rolling down. She gives me a kleenex and the man directs me to come to the back..

I asked for what? Was he going to give me my check? He apologetically responded, "Honey, I can't do that. It has to go through like the lady said." I said, "Can you tell me how I will pay my bills?" He shakes his head and says, "Maybe you have family to help you out?"

I said, "NO, I don't.What the fuck is wrong with you people. I can't work. I don't have additional resources.What the fuck am I suppose to do? Tell me.Just tell me what the fuck am I going to do. The security guard takes my arm and I instinctively pull back, of course I loose balance and almost fall. The SS man came from behind the desk and said, "c'mon sweetie, lets go to my office." The security office sternly gives me an ultimatium that I go with the gentleman or leave. I let the SS man take me in the back. I was losing it big time.

He gave me some water and some more kleenex. I sat there at the edge of my seat with my elbows on top of his desk and my hands holding my head and blubbered. I asked God just to take me out of this miserable life . The man apologized repeatedly. Asking me questions about my family and my daughter. I realized he was just trying to calm me down. I kept having to take deep breaths.

Other workers came in and out asking him questions regarding other issues. Each of them told me they were sorry and it would be okay. Easy for them to say. They will get their paychecks.After I finally calmed down, the man explained to me what happened again and apologized excessively but I appreciated his compassion. As I got up to leave he asked me if I was going to be okay. I said, "I guess. Financially this month I'm doomed.." He escorted me to the door and the security office discreetly followed me to my car and watched me drive away.

Life Sucks than you die. Death has to be better than this!


  1. You're right. Life does suck. Very often. I guess that's what makes it so unbelievably satisfying to kick it in the ass and say "I'm gonna win this anyway."
    Hang in there.. :) :)

  2. Wow! Pencil Girl! Someone actually doesn't sugar coat it and agrees with me in that way. Thank you! Yea, you are so right. I haven't stayed down for most of my life, why start now right? I'm tired. Hanging by a thread but still hanging thanks to my family and friends. Thanks!


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