Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Just Maybe..

Every decent loving parent wants the best for their child.I am no different.

From the day BabyGirl was born my life revolved around her. I do not have any regrets living life around her at all. I would do it all over again.

I have made my mistakes as all parents do. I look back and wonder.  If I had done something different maybe everything would be different, for the better.

I try not to live with the could've, should've and would've. BUT in the past few years, circumstances occurred that has made me wonder where did I fail as a parent.

I know I did the best I could with what I had. I know I gave her all the love I had in me.

However, I continue to punish myself for what I have failed to do as a parent.

At any moment that feeling of the black hole opens and lingers. My heart aches showing I have not forgiven myself for all those mistakes.

I've been told I am too hard on myself.  Maybe I am. I do not know how to change it.

I think sometimes when the moments are good, I fool myself that I have forgiven myself.

I try to pinpoint exactly why I do not forgive myself.  I try to pinpoint what I need to forgive myself for. I can't come up with only one mistake. I come up with a flood of them, some I even realize is trivial.

The past month has been chaotic. I am so glad it is not replaying in my lifetime. Things are going back to normal, whatever that is.

When I walked away from my marriage with BabyGirl's father and started dating, I hoped I would find a man who would love me and her unconditionally. I wanted more of a male role model for her.

I realized it was a long shot if not impossible.

However, I can confidently say I did ONE thing right. I have given her a male model to look up to and to depend on.  I have fulfilled one of my hopes.

It is a slow process but I can see the gaps closing between them.  It's a new process for them individually so it will take time but that's okay.

Maybe, just maybe, I did at least one thing right.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Disclaimer: A few curse words. Proceed at your discretion,

There is a saying that says Happiness is within yourself or something like that. You have to embrace it yourself. You are the only one responsible for your happiness. I can't remember the exact quote and I am sure my faithful followers will send me some. I am in no mood to go searching for it because frankly I am hurt. I am pissed. I am frustrated.

I DO believe it myself. I have learned what has made me happy. I have actually eliminated things and people that made me unhappy.

The reason why I say that is because as I am stressed and the person who is the main source of the stress is all giggly and say well you can't depend on others to make you happy or stress so much it takes your happiness. It is not a direct quote but it is pretty much what they said. I had to pause. I had to think. It was hours ago I was told this and I was willing to dismiss it and let it go. But then something else occurred and I need to get it out and here I am.

For the past month I've been trying so hard to just catch very stone thrown and catch it. I've been trying to make something work. I've been trying to be calm and take one day at a time. However, when you are trying so hard and wholeheartedly trying to make the best of the situation and the other person blatantly has their priorities screwed, it makes me think what the hell am I doing.

The few people I have confided in tell me what I know what I need to do and give me support and advice. But when I feel like I am pulled in two directions I get tangled up.

When I offer help, it is a true offer. I spell out the conditions of what I can and can't do. I am up front and inform the person what is expected in return which is usually just appreciation. And it is truly that.

I know how it feels to need help. I know how it feels to be dependent on someone. I spent 3 months with my mom and dad after major surgery. My mom, dad and sister pulled together to help me and BabyGirl. Although I had not lived in their home for years, I knew their routines. I knew I was putting them out. I made sure I had everything for my baby. I adapted to THEIR schedule. I knew they went to bed early. So when I knew it was time for their bedtime and I was depending on them, I went to bed although my bedtime was normally later. I adapted to their life. I had not one iota thought of them trying to adapt to mine. But I think in the end there was some give and take and we made up our own routine where we were inconvenienced at one time or another but happy with the decision. We made it work.

My current situation is sorta different but the whole thought process is the same. I hate feeling used.  I hate when I say my feelings I feel like a mean person. I hate letting them make me feel bad after saying what I feel. I hate them taking it the wrong way all the time or twisting my words to make me the bad guy..

I hate when you love someone so much and try to help them and they just go off and do their own thing and have no second thought. You are the only person  who they can depend on. But they just keep kicking you in the teeth.

When you tell them how you feel ,their repetitive automatic response tells you they either have no clue or they do know and just don't care. That is my view of it. It may be other reasons but it is the way I am interpreting it. They are so into what they want and don't give a crap about what you feel, say or do. They REALLY don't care what they do is affecting others.  Because if they did care they would correct it or even show some sign they really DO get it. As they say actions speak louder than words.

If I know it brings financially hardship to the other person while i need help, they would be the first on my list to pay back or compensate when I had the money.

Amazes me how SOME young people nowadays (NOTE: I said SOME not ALL) say they are so smart and have responsibility etc etc. They may be intelligent in academics and have some life experiences but the way they act they have a lot of rude awakenings coming and it will knock them on their butt. And when that time comes the person they most depend on, may not be there to help for whatever reason.