Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Just Maybe..

Every decent loving parent wants the best for their child.I am no different.

From the day BabyGirl was born my life revolved around her. I do not have any regrets living life around her at all. I would do it all over again.

I have made my mistakes as all parents do. I look back and wonder.  If I had done something different maybe everything would be different, for the better.

I try not to live with the could've, should've and would've. BUT in the past few years, circumstances occurred that has made me wonder where did I fail as a parent.

I know I did the best I could with what I had. I know I gave her all the love I had in me.

However, I continue to punish myself for what I have failed to do as a parent.

At any moment that feeling of the black hole opens and lingers. My heart aches showing I have not forgiven myself for all those mistakes.

I've been told I am too hard on myself.  Maybe I am. I do not know how to change it.

I think sometimes when the moments are good, I fool myself that I have forgiven myself.

I try to pinpoint exactly why I do not forgive myself.  I try to pinpoint what I need to forgive myself for. I can't come up with only one mistake. I come up with a flood of them, some I even realize is trivial.

The past month has been chaotic. I am so glad it is not replaying in my lifetime. Things are going back to normal, whatever that is.

When I walked away from my marriage with BabyGirl's father and started dating, I hoped I would find a man who would love me and her unconditionally. I wanted more of a male role model for her.

I realized it was a long shot if not impossible.

However, I can confidently say I did ONE thing right. I have given her a male model to look up to and to depend on.  I have fulfilled one of my hopes.

It is a slow process but I can see the gaps closing between them.  It's a new process for them individually so it will take time but that's okay.

Maybe, just maybe, I did at least one thing right.

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