My recent medical woes have put me into a downward spiral into depression. Since I last wrote, add urinary tract infection to the list. The others have stabilized.
I know what depression is. There are different types. The one I am familiar with is Clinical I went through it, was on medication and therapy years ago when I was having trouble with Ex. My therapist had mentioned he was surprised with my long history of chronic illness that I had not been depressed before and sought help before.
However, with his help, medication and my life changing I was fine. Been off antidepressants for years.
So I haven't felt like this in years. Yes, I get depressed and I get out of it. But this time it's lingering and intensifying.
I have that heavy feeling in my chest. I know that sign is not good. I feel like I can cry at a drop of a hat. I have the major don't wants. I don't care about anything. I am uninterested in the computer, reading etc.
I sit here and look around thinking what I could be doing and what needs to be done. But I just sit.
I know what it is. I know what I should do. But its like I am paralyzed. I go outside sometimes and I feel a tad better. I try to do the things I should be doing but after a few minutes, I say screw it and stop.
I have been thinking it is the Prednisone and I'm pretty sure it is. But I am finally finished it. I am praying I won't need it again for a while. I am praying this blows over.
I feel so bad because Hubby needs to deal with me. I shut him out. I don't mean to but I do not want to burden him more. He does not deserve me or any of this.
Chronic illnesses don't only affect the person physically. It affects them spiritually, sexually and mentally. Add depression to the mix and you have a monster.
Chronic illnesses also affect that person's relationships. Again, spiritually, emotionally and physically.
I have been so tired lately….of me. It's not self pity. I am just tired of it. I just want it all to go away.
I pray but then get angry. I try to have faith. It is so hard when you just keep getting slapped back down. There comes a time you just want to stay down.
My friend Jeff has been going through a lot more than I lately. We corresponded recently and we have different problems but it is the same when it comes to if it is not one thing, it is another.
I keep asking why are there really bad people like killers, molesters, mean spirited who don't go through stuff like we do? Those who judge others,. Those who are selfish and self-centered. Those who don't deserve the good things in life because they've destroyed others.
Okay maybe I deserve it but my friend Jeff doesn't. And all those poor kids and people with worse things than me or Jeff? Why do they have to suffer?
We (I'm using 'we' for Jeff and I but it could be any of you) are good people. We try to do good and obey the law. We are compassionate and loving. We don't want or need much but here we are. We keep getting beaten down again and again. If it is not one health problem it is another. If it is not health something else goes wrong. When we are just trying to live a simple life.
If God forgives everyone and our journey of pain and suffering on earth is a path to eternal blissful life with him, why do bad mean spirited people get the same thing? They are bad on earth but they may receive forgiveness at their time of death.
I don't know.
If you have any thoughts do share.
I apologize that this post is all over the place. I just needed to let it out.