Friday, April 25, 2014

Chronic illnesses Cause Depression and Questions Faith

My recent medical woes have put me into a downward spiral into depression. Since I last wrote, add urinary tract infection to the list. The others have stabilized.

I know what depression is.  There are different types. The one I am familiar with is Clinical  I went through it, was on medication and therapy years ago when I was having trouble with Ex.  My therapist had mentioned he was surprised with my long history of chronic illness that I had not been depressed before and sought help before.

However, with his help, medication and my life changing I was fine. Been off antidepressants for years.

So I haven't felt like this in years. Yes, I get depressed and I get out of it. But this time it's lingering and intensifying.

I have that heavy feeling in my chest. I know that sign is not good. I feel like I can cry at a drop of a hat.  I have the major don't wants. I don't care about anything. I am uninterested in the computer, reading etc.

I sit here and look around thinking what I could be doing and what needs to be done. But I just sit.

I know what it is. I know what I should do. But its like I am paralyzed.  I go outside sometimes and I feel a tad better. I try to do the things I should be doing but after a few minutes, I say screw it and stop.

I have been thinking it is the Prednisone and I'm pretty sure it is. But I am finally finished it. I am praying I won't need it again for a while. I am praying this blows over.

I feel so bad because Hubby needs to deal with me. I shut him out. I don't mean to but I do not want to burden him more. He does not deserve me or any of this.

Chronic illnesses don't only affect the person physically. It affects them spiritually, sexually and mentally. Add depression to the mix and you have a monster.

Chronic illnesses also affect that person's relationships. Again, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

I have been so tired lately….of me.  It's not self pity. I am just tired of it. I just want it all to go away.

I pray but then get angry. I try to have faith. It is so hard when you just keep getting slapped back down. There comes a time you just want to stay down.

My friend Jeff has been going through a lot more than I lately. We corresponded recently and we have different problems but it is the same when it comes to if it is not one thing, it is another.

I keep asking why are there really bad people like killers, molesters, mean spirited who don't go through stuff like we do? Those who judge others,. Those who are selfish and self-centered. Those who don't deserve the good things in life because they've destroyed others.

Okay maybe I deserve it but my friend Jeff doesn't. And all those poor kids and people with worse things than me or Jeff? Why do they have to suffer?

We (I'm using 'we' for Jeff and I but it could be any of you) are good people. We try to do good and obey the law. We are compassionate and loving. We don't want or need much but here we are. We keep getting beaten down again and again. If it is not one health problem it is another. If it is not health something else goes wrong. When we are just trying to live a simple life.

If God forgives everyone and our journey of pain and suffering on earth is a path to eternal blissful life with him, why do bad mean spirited people get the same thing? They are bad on earth but they may receive forgiveness at their time of death.

I don't know.

If you have any thoughts do share.

I apologize that this post is all over the place. I just needed to let it out.


  1. I wanted your to know I have read this twice and the only thing I can do is pray and let you know that you are and have been a good on-line friend to me.
    I live with depression and have for a while but I cannot know how you feel given the enourmous plate you have been dealt.
    But I do know this, my life has been blessed by you and I want to do so in return.

    1. Pam, Thank you so much for your prayers and friendship along with your kind words. Sometimes there is nothing else to say or do but pray and I appreciate them. XoX

  2. No apologizes necessary. Sometimes we have to go all over the place to feel better. I have major reoccurring manic depression. That is what I was diagnosed with some years ago. From what I have been told, they now lump that into being bi-polar. I have seen a few therapists since my relapse, tried some medication again, but doesnt seem to help. I really think I need psychiatric care and not therapy.

    As for your thoughts about husband and how he doesn't deserve to deal with this, I went through that with my 1st marriage. He was a good man but I felt he deserved better. So, I found a way out. It took me a while to leave, but by then I had shut him out for so long that he was probably glad for me to go. He did not deserve that, but he did deserve me. I see that now. I was so down into believing he didnt want to deal with it and set out to destroy it, I was blinded. Thankfully he has a good life now. But, mental health does terrible things to someone. I think had I would of reached out to him instead of making the choice to destroy it, things would have been different.

    Now, with my 2nd husband I am going through those same feelings. I am constantly looking for a way out. I just dont want to deal with it all over again. No one should have to go through this with me. Now , there is the depression and other mental disorders along with all the pain issues.

    Life sure isn't easy is it.

    I'll be praying for you, your marriage and your friend Jeff.

    1. Chrystal. Don't you just hate it when our doctors lump everything together and put one tag on it? It seems since I was diagnosed with the immune disorder, it has been the cause of everything. Maybe they are right, but as you know you get tired of it.

      If you need psychiatric care why don't you mention it to your doctors? Sometimes we often take for granted they know what they are doing and most do but sometimes they need to be directed and hear our thoughts. After all, I truly believe we know ourselves more than them.

      My heart goes out to you dealing with bi-polar and your husbands. Sometimes we have to move away from the situation to realize the truth and I am sorry you were too late to do see he did deserve you. Oh i know how mental health can affect things.

      I need to remind myself that my husband knew what he was getting into when he married me and he did it anyway so I guess I do deserve him and I try to remember that. SOme days like that day of the post, I get so down I almost hit rock bottom. Please talk with your husband. We are so lucky that our husbands stick by us, if we let them. Thanks so much for the prayers as I will say some for you and your husband.

    2. I tried to warn my current husband to run! ;) But, he accepts me as I am. It has been hard for me to really grasp that. My vision of love and men in general is a bit jaded thanks to the way I grew up with the abusive father. It is hard for me to let my guard down and really let things be. Sometimes I find myself picking fights with him because I just want out. Sometimes its just a cry for other things, like dealing with the depression. Mental health is an issue I wish on no person. I find that I have so much good in me that there has to be more to life than this disgusting disease in which I have to deal with, you know?


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