Sunday, June 21, 2015

Different Kind of Father's Day Post.

Happy Father's Day to all you GREAT dads out there. For those who are ACTUALLY Fathers and not just sperm donors. For those who love your kids for who they are and not what you want them to be. Happy Father's Day to all the stepfathers out there who embraced the child as their own. 

I can tell you my Daddy is the best in the world. Most of you will disagree because your believe yours is the best. We need to be thankful for our Daddies who are have played an active role in our lives.

He is a perfect role model. He had to start working at a young age because his mother died when he was small and his stepmother and Dad shoved his sister and him to an old couple who could only provide a roof over their heads and food. He had to work delivering papers to earn money for clothes and school supplies for him and his sister. He couldn't do sports like he would have loved to. 

I remember years ago, he would find old bike parts, put them together and give it to kids in the neighborhood. 

He is in 70's and very active in the community and his church parish. He mows yards for all the widows in his neighborhood. If someone needs help he stops what he is doing to help. I don't know how many times I've called in the middle of the night in need and he was there. 

He could have felt sorry for himself and went another path. But he didn't.  He did what he had to do.

I am so proud of my dad and I love him so much. My sister and I brought him and Mom eat out last night as a token of our appreciation.

I wish I could say the same for BabyGirl's father. It saddens me how he has become the person that he is.

He has hurt my daughter more ways than one. Never accepting her for the beautiful, talented and smart person she is. What kind of father tells his daughter that he is so disappointed in her and she broke his heart in pieces?

What is frustrating is that she still needs to deal with him. I tell her she doesn't need to but she visits her  stepmother and he is there. He has told her that she broke HIS heart. He has NO clue how HE continues to break hers. It was pure stupidity and mean.

She was never into drugs or criminal activity. She excelled in school and karate. Any other father would have taken her with open arms and without judgment.

He was upset that she didn't chose the career he wanted her to.

In his eyes, her successes were HIS or because of him.

He is missing out on so much. Being the way he is, he doesn't deserve her at all. 

What's sad is a pattern is forming. He used to get in my face and scream at me. He was sneaky and so good at manipulation, belittling and controlling me.

When I finally left him I had to come to the realization just how much it has affected me and BabyGirl. I blamed myself. I know it wasn't my fault that he turned out the way he did but when you are in that situation, you're almost programmed and you often ask yourself what is wrong with me. What could I have done for him not to be that way?

I moved on and so did he. Seeing his relationship with his ex I couldn't help wondering what was wrong with me. Why did our fairy tell story end so badly? We had a good marriage then he changed seemingly overnight. Others around me said it was different. They saw it little by little. They saw so much more than I did. Or maybe I was seeing it and just ignoring it?

Oddly, I was glad to see him so happy with is wife.  She is a genuine nice woman. I hoped and prayed she didn't see the side of him that I saw. No one deserves it.

However, from what I've seen and heard, his fear is becoming reality.He is turning into a drunk just like his father. He always said he never wanted to be like him. However, his personality is changing with her too. I think it is more dangerous because alcohol is involved.

When I hear my BabyGirl crying in fear for her stepmother my heart hurts.   I explain to her all she and her step siblings can do is let her know they are always there for her.  I know what BabyGirl's stepmother is going through. So many emotions!

Denial. Embarrassment. Scared. Alone. I hope and pray she gets out sooner than later.

MyLove never had an opportunity to have children. He loves and cares for BabyGirl as if she was his own. I remember the time we were becoming serous and he took her alone and told her he never wanted to replace her father but he was always there for her and he wanted her to come to him for anything. She has come to him a few times and he has acted on his promise. They have a unique relationship. He is a much better role model than her own Father.

Again, I wish all fathers, stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, a very Happy Father's Day. May those whose Father is in heaven, know they are looking down on you wishing you the best.

Until next time---

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Going Full Circle with Speech Therapy-Barium Swallow Results

As mentioned before I've had difficulty swallowing (Dysphagia). I had my esophagus dilated recently.  But I still have some excess difficulty. When I went to the doctor  for follow-up, I told the Nurse Practitioner.

Side Note: It must be nice for the doctors to have someone else do their work for them. I'm not going to get started.

So the NP scheduled a Modified Barium Swallow. you can check out the information of how it is done and what it is used for here.

Her findings showed that my tongue muscles and larynx have weakened. She said she wasn't sure the cause but she pointed out that it had NOTHING to do with the esophageal dilation. This problem is entirely different. "BIG SIGH"She said it could be a combination of things such as age and CP.

Some of her recommendations were not new to me. I've done some for a while now. Makes me wonder if I am doing these and I still have problems, what am I doing wrong? Obviously something or maybe I need a few of these extra ones.

Typical of my crazy body. I can't just do standard things. I always need more. "SIGH".

1. I am not to use a straw! OH NO! I use a straw to drink practically everything. I thought it was making it easier to swallow but the x-ray showed otherwise.
Photo Credit: Makeittakeit

2. Take small bites and sip liquid. I usually do this anyway. She said an average person should take 45 minutes to eat a meal. Wow! Lets have a show of hands who take 45 minutes to eat one meal. Most people don't have that much time for a lunch break.

3. Swallow twice after every bite. The test shows it takes that many times to get my food down.

4. To swallow properly, getting it past my tongue, I need to put my chin to chest to swallow properly.

5. I am to use the Super Supraglottic and Supraglottic Swallowing methods. They help close off the windpipe which is an airway to prevent food and liquid from getting into my lungs which has always been a problem.

6. She gave me laryngeal and tongue strengthen exercises to do. I'm trying to figure out if I am doing them right because for the tongue strengthen exercises I have to say certain words focusing on making contact with the back of my tongue to the roof of my mouth.

7. I am to follow a  Dysphagia Ground Diet Guideline which pretty much consists of ground solids and thin liquids. All my meats are to be ground with gravy or melted cheese.  The irony of it is the diet I am suppose to eat for my GERD and constipation is nearly opposite of this diet. Go figure. Maybe I'll write another post focusing on this diet, if anyone is at all interesting.

8. Last but not least she recommends me see a Speech therapist. I feel like I am going full circle. As a young child I had to have speech therapy because of my speech. I had therapy from the time I was a toddler through 6th grade. I was so relieved when my Speech therapist at the time told me I didn't have to have it when I went to Junior High. But here I am about 40 years later back to speech therapy. UGH!

So there you have it. Another challenge for me to conquer. I have to admit doing some of the methods have helped me considerably. I just need to get into the habit.

Here's a challenge for you and let me know how you did. It is not a test. Just something I can compare myself too.

1) Focus on making contact with the back of tongue with the roof of your mouth say one or all of these words 10 times: Key, Kick, Go, Gig.

2) Bite on tip of your tongue and swallow 10 times.

So how hard or easy was it for you?

Thanks for reading this rather boring post to most. I hope it makes you think how much we take for granted putting food in our mouths, chewing and swallowing.

Until next time my friends….

Monday, June 8, 2015


I totally forgot about the Insecure Writer's Group last week. I was thinking it was second week.DUH me! Last week I was all over the place. I had my colonoscopy and esophageal dilation done. Since my first Hospice patient went to heaven, I was assigned to another Hospice patient DUH me! So I was busy!

For years I've contemplated on putting my life story into a book. I have many people say I should. I have the talent they say. I believe otherwise. I've seen others write e-books left and right, evidently without any publisher etc. I've extensively researched it and it all comes down to I don't think my life is as interesting. I also don't think I have the self-discipline to go through the grueling task of writing and rewriting. Even with my research findings, it is hard for me to know where to begin.

I've repeatedly asked myself why would I want to write a book. My answers are:
1. For my child to have something to go back to when I am gone. 
2. To show even though I have a disability, I've lived with a pretty normal life. 
3. To inspire others.

On a positive note, I finally figured out how to write a signature for comments. Thank you Arlee Bird! You're the best~

Until next time!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Colonoscopy Results

I have some good news! I am done with my procedures. The prep was crazy. I added the "Cherry" flavor which didn't help much. The solution tastes really salty to me.

I started drinking the solution as instructed, I did really well up to a little less than half finished. The bathroom was my best friend.  As some of you know once it starts working you don't walk to the bathroom, you run. After about the second run, I said screw this! I took my book, my jug, my glass and my straw and stayed on the toilet for 2-1/2 hours. As it went in it one way, it came right back out from the other end.

My appointment was at 9:30 am. They called me at 10 am, We were on our way home at 11:30. Thank you Jesus!!

There was a stricture around my esophagus so he dilated it.
Photo Credit:
My colonoscopy only showed diverticuli and a hernia I've been having. No polyps! Yippee! But other than that everything looked good!

Instructions were to resume my daily regimen the next day but couldn't eat solid food until today. I definitely can tell a difference when I swallow.

I hope everyone has an awesome weekend. I get my Hubby ALL to myself for the next four days.

Photo Credit :