Friday, April 29, 2011

Enough Gatorade and Soup!

Disclaimer: This is a totally whining entry. I'm sorry but I am so frustrated. Not looking for sympathy. Do not want any sympathy. Just venting and I think if I write it down I'll figure it out. It's also about nausea and things associated with it so if you are one of those that can't talk about stuff like this, don't read! I understand.

Sunday it started. I cooked my Easter dinner and looked forward to it. When we sat to eat I only ate 1/3 of the little bit I had on my plate. I knew if I ate any more I would vomit. It was so frustrating. That evening I felt gassy and bloating.

Monday I woke up dry heaving every time I thought about food. I would try to think of the things I liked but I dry heaved with my tummy churning. I lived on drinking water. I couldn't bring myself to eat.

Tuesday it was same. My love came home with a Sonic Dr. Pepper but I couldn't enjoy it. However I was growing weaker.So I thought hard and decided to eat Mac and cheese. Well after I ate that I felt worse than before. I had hiccups like crazy.

Wednesday I drank more but I just couldn't get much down except water. I weighed myself and I was at 74.9. Let me explain my weight situation. Three years ago,I went from 112 lbs to 78. because of a year of nausea, loss of appetite and back pain. I just knew it was my ovary I had left.

But you know how insurance and doctors are. I have to say though my primary doctor was the best. He had to send me to specialists to rule out things. A whole year of pain, nausea, going through specialists and numberous tests, which were all assholes because they would not listen to me went by. The assholes were a GI doctor who told me eventually it was in my head and I was depressed (NO crap I am depressed with assholes like you who didn't believe me), the Urologist informed me one of my kidneys weren't functioning fully but he couldn't see the cause of the nausea, the GYN I went to did an ultrasound and said there was a little cyst, but 6 weeks later he said it was gone. I suggested to the GYN that it could be my ovary, he shrugged me off.

So I went back to my primary doctor, the best there is in my opinion because he listened. My weight was gradually declining, we tried several rounds of Prednisone to pick up my appetite but it didn't work. Finally he said I would need a exploratory laparotomy but it would be hard to find a doctor to do it without any sure evidence and with my history of blood clots some docs wouldn't touch me. However, he asked a colleague who was a Surgeon and a different GYN to do the operation. I saw both of them and I knew the surgeon was skeptical but they both told me there was no guarantee. I was okay with that because I KNEW there was something wrong.

I had surgery and my ovary was full of cysts that was adhering to my intestines which was in turn adhering to scar tissue I had from another surgery. So I was NOT crazy. The GYN told my mom and MyLove, I definitely had a reason to be in pain. After the surgery the pain went away. The only thing was to get my weight back up. I ate and ate and ate.

I know those of you who are always trying to lose weight will hate me but rest assured it is frustrating. I went up to 83. My primary doctor told me he was so worried about my weight before surgery. I wasn't gaining much weight, my goal was get to 100. I went through a few cycles of Prednisone with no resolution. We chalked it up to I'll gain the weight eventually. As long as I feel healthy (as healthy as I can be) we shouldn't worry about it as long as I don't lose.

Then comes Sunday! I had fixed our Easter dinner and was ready to eat. When we sat down, I could only eat 1/3 of the little bit on my plate. I was nauseous. That afternoon I felt lousy, mostly my tummy upset.

Monday I woke up and just the looks of food on TV made me queasy. I felt bloated and dry heaved. My meal was water as I couldn't think of anything appetizing.  I got down a taco that night and peanut butter egg. But right after I felt worse than I did before.

I'm one of those people when sickness hits, soups, toast, crackers and broths are just not my thing. Usually something creamy like mashed taters or mac and cheese is the best bet.

Tuesday: Same thing. Food on TV even nauseated me. I did get down a little Easy Mac. MyLove's sandwich I made made me dry heave. All this time I am living on water mostly. I was sitting on the toilet deciding if I was gonna crap or vomit, everything around me starting spinning and silver sprinkles were whizzing all over the room and my heart felt like it was pounding out of my skin.  I figured I was dehydrated and needed nourishment. That afternoon, MyLove came home with a Sonic Dr Pepper, my utmost favorite and I couldn't even enjoy that. I also was losing my voice.

Depression sets in. My clothes are looser.I get on the scaled and its 74.9.. Going into deeper depression..

WEdnesday whirls around and I'm depressed and frustrated. I call my GI doctor (Different one then the one that told me it was all in my head). They ask, "What is wrong?" I tell them, "Weakness, nausea and weight loss" She was new as I heard someone behind her tell her what to say. She says, "May 4, noon?"
Being spoiled with my primary doctor, I assumed it would be faster than that. I responded, "Huh?" She repeated. I had no choice really. I mumbled, "I guess so." She informs, "Wednesdays are the only day he comes to this office unless you want to go to N.I.? Then I understood! I figured I wouldn't be able to make it to N.I., 20 miles away. So I took it.

I found a can of chicken noodle soup that day and was able to eat most of it.

Thursday, some more soup and crackers. MyLove went to the store and bought some Gatorade and Homestyle Chicken noodle soup.

And here I am Friday. The brightest part of my life today is MyBabyGirl came to visit me. I ate some Homestyle Chicken Noodle soup and had Gatorade all morning. Good right? Not if you can't keep it down. It seemed everything I ate came right back up. This just totally sucks! I'm tired. I'm weak. I'm frustrated.

MyLove asked me if I thought I could wait until Wednesday? I truthfully told him I didn't know. All  I can do is take it hour by hour. I don't dare weigh myself again.

I've prayed to God to stop this nausea. I've asked him just to shoot me and get it over with! I've asked him, as I've done through the numerous occassions throughout my life, why does it take so much out of me to make my journey to him. A priest once told me that all our suffering paves a path to our eternal blissful life. Why do ordinary people have to suffer and there's theses criminals who seem to enjoy their way. I know it will be determined at the Pearly Gates but after 48 years, you just get enough!

2 comments:

  1. Not to deepen your depression or anything but holy cow girl! Under 80 lbs? I don't know how you function! One of my friends is weening herself off her medication for a 'mental disorder' and she is such a wreak -frustrated and tired. She was almost fired from work for missing so many days. But she confuses dreams with reality and her days are backward. I feel so bad for her... but I have hope.

    Anyway, if you think you've reached the bottom, you can only go up, right? Good luck to you.

    btw, (I also use my blog to vent so don't appologize! :)

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  2. @ Ordinary: The doctors and nurses were awed at that I was actually coherent with a BS of 22 LOL. Wow Hope and prayers going your friend's way. You got that right, the only way is to go up. I always say I have to keep everyone on their toes LOL! Thanks for following my blog~

    ReplyDelete

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