Sunday, June 5, 2011

Dark Deep Hole

I hate when I crawl into that deep hole and can't seem to climb out. The past few days that dreadful hole kept sucking me in little by little.

When I am being sucked in my heart weighs a hundred pounds. A solid steel gate is built around myself. I feel neglected. I feel unloved. I feel unappreciated. I hate myself. Every little quirk MyLove has, intensifies and I start disliking him. Every little thing he says to me negatively swells up my tear banks but I refuse to allow one to drop. I refuse to show that weakness. I am miserable. I make the one and only person who accepts and loves me unconditionally a Monster in my thoughts.

Luckily, that hole finds me only on occasion. There is usually a trigger.

Years ago, when I was far into that deep hole, a psychologist was amazed it took 30 years to have a trigger. He thought I should've been depressed years beyond because of my medical history. But at that time, my medical history was the least of my problems. I think as I get older, I am more impatient and less accepting. I sometimes just ask God when will enough be enough in that regard. However, I make myself live one day at a time with my medical crap.

I think lately, my mood corresponds with MyLove's occupation's new position which keeps him away more often as well as he comes home tired and frustrated. He's been exhausted and stressed. I give him leeway for that. We can't plan on anything because even though he should be home by 3, he doesn't come back until 7. On weekends, he just wants to relax at home when I am ready to do something. It doesn't have to be going out or anything. Just cuddle and watch a movie together suffices.

After rereading the last paragraph, I realize  I am selfish. That was my mom's life with me and my dad's job. That is not fair.

Yesterday, as I continued to stonewall  my good emotions towards MyLove he did a simple gesture. He had been trying to hug me and hold me and I stood there like a lump. I knew what I was doing and hated myself for doing it. He knows I get into these moods and he gives me space. But what he didn't know was sometimes that's when I need him the most.

I sometimes think he should KNOW what is bothering me and what to do about it. Honestly, I am totally wrong. He can't read my mind. I give off mixed signals MORON!

But, yesterday, he came from behind me as I was getting a drink from the refrigeration. He put his arms around my waist and held me close and tight. He had me pinned and said, "You're going through something, if its me, I hope you talk to me about it. If not, I am here. I love you. You do know that?"  Verge of tears, but how dare I let one drop, I shake my head yes. He then says, "I love you more than anything."

Tears flowed as I wiped them on my sleeve and he just held me. I could feel myself climbing out that hole.

We stood there, quietly except for my sniffles, him holding me until I was finished.  We then embraced and I finally jumped out of the black hole. MyLove pulled me back out. We talked for hours. 

He has been the only one who has been able to pull me out of my black hole so quickly.And that's why I love him so!  I AM BLESSED

2 comments:

  1. What a good guy! So glad you have someone who knows you so well and loves you regardless. Nice post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, he is! I am so lucky! Thanks Barb for reading and commenting. You look lucky with your guy as well.:)

    ReplyDelete

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