I am tired of seeing doctors. I am tired of needing and taking medicine.
I am tired of spending money on doctors. I am tired of spending money on medications.
I am tired of my body wearing down. I am tired of hearing, "It could be worse." I am tired of being told yet another ailment is due to my Autoimmune disorder or Cerebral Palsy."
It was my mantra to my doctor yesterday when I finally broke down and went to find out the source of my mystery pain and foot skin problems.
After my mantra he attempted to be empathetic and indicated he understood. No he doesn't. He means well. No one understands. Some people have an idea. But you never know unless you are experiencing it.
As I have told him in the past I get so tired of life. It seems to be too much to wish for one month, much less a year, to be with no new medical woes. When I have finally accepted, and learned to tolerate what I have, another diagnosis is sprung.
How much more can a person's human body, spiritual and emotional ups and downs take?
Here are the ones I live with day to day:
Polyglandular Autimmune Disorder Type II (PGA-II) with includes adrenal insufficiency and HYPOthyrodisim,
Add chronic upper respiratory infections, chronic urinary tract infections and bouts of this and that in between, it gets tiring. It gets frustrating. It gets irritating.
He stated the obvious. "As we age, our bodies get worn and tired? I responded, "My body has been through the wringer and back. And he came back with, "But you are still here and that's good."
My first fleeting thought was 'Really'?
But I slightly processed his response for a few second, then declared, " I should not be alive. At age 30, I honestly did not think I would live to be 51. "
Encouragingly he responded, "But you are. Something wants you to be here. It could be worse."
I told him I know but I don't want to hear that. I am so tired of hearing. He knows me so well he let it rest.
I reminded him I fought all these years because I wanted to make sure BabyGirl had her mother until she was at least out of high school which God answered that prayer plus more. I am actually going to be alive to see her graduate college unless something unknowing comes up and I die. I know she can now live her life if something should happen to me. She was always my rock. She was the sole reason to keep going and fight it through, I know now she will he able to survive if God finally takes me.
He was genuinely listening to me and I saw concern on his face.
I reassured him that I am not in the suicide mode, then jokingly added I get in the mode from time to time and wish he would give me something just to give me a peaceful death.
After reiterating the purpose of his oath he took in saving lives, he questioned of the possibility of the need of an antidepressant.
Smiling, I said, "Doc, did you not hear my mantra?!"
He then sighed and started examining me. Yea, he knows the time to quit.
I have another yucky wet rash on my foot. The heel is wet and raw. I want to scream when I put in water, Actually, Hubby was in bathroom with me when my foot hit the water, I was hanging onto the shower rail barely hopping on one foot raving using unladylike expletives along with "OW OW Ooh" Remember, I have limited balance on two feet much less one. THANK GOD we have a shower seat. As soon as my butt hit the seat I only had to contend with the bottom of foot not getting wet.
I have been having to walk on my tiptoes. (Sorry MOM & DAD! I know you paid for surgeries to not do that very thing! Hopefully, it is temporary.)
A few days ago I plucked off what seemed to be another layer of skin that had grown. It was ABSOLUTELY GROSS. When I stepped it hurt and itched.
It feels like I'm walking on a spiked lily pad.
Just one week ago, I had finished a regimen of Prednisone Doc sent over the phone for what we thought was a recurrence of Hand and Foot Disease I have had 3 times in the last 9 months.
I love him because he is down to earth. When he looked at my foot he grimaced like I do when I look at it. I have to use a mirror because I can't move my foot in the position to see it. This time he said it is Eczema which is associated with my immune disorder, asthma, hay fever and C.O.P.D.
"BIG SHRUG AND SIGH" BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! ARGH!!
We then turned to my mystery pain. The mystery pain has waxed and waned.
In addition, one night I had severe chest pain but not like a heart attack. At first I thought it was pleurisy or I fractured a rib from coughing. (I have done that before!) It was excruciating pain. It nearly immobilized me. It hurt when I moved. It hurt when I exhaled. It hurt when I laughed. (Of course Hubby would inadvertently make me laugh.)
Then there was a different night when my right eye had a tic. It went on for two days but disappeared just as fast as it appeared. The tic came in a series of 10 tics in 20 seconds. Yes, I counted and timed it.
Doc pulled, pushed and squeezed my arms and neck. He succeeded in making the dull pain I had worse. He said the pain could be from a number of things. He rattled off arthritis, herniated discs, Pinched nerve, spine spurs, and degenerative disease,
His best guess without tests is a pinched nerve and arthritis. I had already suspected some arthritis.
Here is a simple explanation. We have nerves throughout our bodies. Nerves are surrounded by connective tissue, muscles, bones, cartilages and tendons. Sometimes too much pressure on these squeezes causing a pinched nerve. In my case, I have tight muscles from my CP, and something happened that my muscles are clamping on the nerve. Maybe I moved wrong or laid on it wrong. Or my muscles are just tightening more with the age process. He also thinks the arthritis may also be from my CP.
Exasperated shaking my head, t "No! No! No! Don't say that! I am on a CP group and I read many people have arthritis and such because of the long term effects of CP. I only have a mild case and was relieved I didn't have to deal with that although I had compassion for them. I don't want to be another statistic!"
He continued to remind me that the way I walk and stand puts more pressure on my body and I've done so well but things change. He apologized for having to give me that news.
It actually makes perfect sense.
It'll take time to accept it.
Sort of resolved, I asked him the treatment of all my acute medical woes. He gave me another regimen of Prednsione. Good thing is it should help both my eczema and maybe help inflammation in my joints and muscles I may have. He also gave me a prescribed cortisone cream. (It hurt like hell to put it on but the itching is gone, for now.). He showed me some stretch exercises for my head, neck and arm I can do sitting down. He said a massage could work. I said I love massages but I have to pay him and for my meds and after that my pocket book is too low to pay for that luxury. We agreed Medicare wouldn't pay for it. However, I can get one free, my Hubby loves me that much! I also need to get back on my Wii Fitness. I used to take Yoga but it is too darn expensive here and the hours suck.
The last thing he suggested was trying a gluten free diet told me things I don't eat on gluten diet. I blurted, "Geez doc! That's what is making me gain and sustain my weight. No rice? Seriously?"
He informed me to take it slow and there are products that are gluten free. I commented,"Yea and as always healthier isalways more expensive. To take something out of a product costs more." He concurred and said, "Think about it." We knew we could have discussed this further but I think he was afraid it would send me further in my downward spiral at that moment.
I have and researched. I'll see what I can do. "SIGH"
Sorry this is long but I had to get it all in. But now we all know what is possibly the problem, I have the drugs and exercises. All we can do is wait and see.