Wednesday, October 15, 2014

I'm Struggling to Figure Out What I Want To Do

I am struggling to figure out what God is trying to tell me. I get excited about things then when I look into it, there is always an obstacle or something happens that makes me think is this really for me?

Maybe I don't have as much confidence in myself than I thought.  

Maybe that one thing is really NOT for me. 

I feel like I know what I want to do but I can't seem to get there. 

So glad my mom is not reading this because she would bop me in the head (Not really but you know what I mean) and say something like "can't' is not in your vocabulary.

Here's a brief summary.

I signed up to be a volunteer, went through the background check, referrals and waited for this meeting.  I was expecting to walk out of there knowing exactly what I will be doing and start from there.

However, that was not the case. I sat for two hours listening to the speaker. He did give us guidance and pointers but it wasn't what I expected.

Then he said we had to pray on it for 7-10 days  or however long it takes while reading the booklet that gives details and then if we decide if this is what I want to do, to fill out the application and return it to him. He did say if we had any questions to call for an appointment.

I thought wait a minute, I go through the process of becoming a volunteer and now I need to fill out yet another application for this department. I may or may not be selected. I can take rejection so that isn't the problem. It's just becoming more complicated than I thought.

I totally understand they need to make sure we are capable of doing it. As he went through some of the few details he touched on, I'm like OMG I want to do it but can I do it?

He gave each of us an application for in case we want to do it.  I don't like one of the question because although it is a yes or no question. I need to elaborate on that answer. Maybe it is not a necessity but I feel like I want to defend that answer. But is my defense justifiable?

When I started this process I looked at my options and this option from the start was iffy. However, I've had several people tell me with my experiences of life I would be ideal for this.

I am trying to figure if God is telling me to do this and I am just not listening and it is why I am struggling.

Or Maybe my first instinct was right and I need to sway from that area and move on to another area?



Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Two Little (True) Tales

One of my pet peeves is when an owner of a vehicle double parks or parks lopsided in a parking space, The ones who annoy me the most is the obnoxious owners of the big double cabbed trucks. I feel they think they own the road and parking lots.

I figure if I can park straight, although it takes maneuvering sometimes, with my Cerebral Palsy, everyone else can. 

Okay, I'll drop the Cerebral Palsy card. At least I tried. HA!

The other day I went to Russell's, our little country store. There was a white double-cab Ford truck parked right on the line of two parking spaces. There was another car parked correctly in the other parking space which was a handicapped parking space on the driver''s side of the truck.This happens all the time! So what do I do? 

I parked in between the correctly parked car and driver's side of the truck. I parked so close to the truck that I knew the person wouldn't be able to get in his truck unless he went on the other side. I know it was bi$tchy but what can I say.

My shopping took less than 5 minutes. Yea, that's why I love country stores. Lo and behold, a 60-70ish year old gentleman was puffing a cigarette leaning against his truck waiting on me. I pressed my unlock button on my keychain as I walked to my car. When he heard the beep and saw the light flash, he jumped up and yelled, "You parked too close to my vehicle! I had to wait!"

I thought aww poor baby.

A couple was walking up but stopped to see the altercation. 

Not saying a word I put my bag of items on the hood of my car. Playing dumb I took a step and I leaned over to see the other side of my car.

I then said, "Oh yea, if you had NOT double parked your big-a$$ truck, maybe I would not have parked so close. You need to relearn how to park. That's why there are two line to park between NOT over. Without addressing what I said, he angrily demanded that I get in my car and move.

That was not a good move on his part. If he had asked slightly nicer I would have hurried. But he didn't. So I moved as slow as a turtle.

I very slowly got in my car playing like I was having troubles Got in. Put my purchase on the floor of. Checked my mirrors that were just fine. Strapped the seatbelt like an 100-year old.  Checked my hair in the mirror (I never do that). 

I glanced around. The man standing straight up with his hands on his hips watching me.  I know he wanted to come strangle me. If eyes could kill, I would be dead.

The couple that was watching was moving along slowly but caught my eye. We smiled at each other and they gave me a thumbs up. I thumbed back. I then slowly  put my moon roof down. Slowly. Played with the radio, started my car and finally started to back up like a snail. It took me about 2 minutes when normally it would have taken me 30 seconds. I could tell he was fuming. I saw his mouth going 100 mph as I drove off. 

The next story is about Hubby and I. MyHubby calls me every day when he gets off of work to let me know he's on his way and to make sure I don't need anything. My phone is usually nearby and I answer promptly. 

The time he usually calls passed. I thought nothing about it because sometimes he works a little later or if he has to do an errand he'll do the errand than call me. He had mentioned the previous day he might do something.

About 1-1/2 hours later he walks in and sees me sitting in my chair. I could hear some panic and tinge of anger in his voice. He asked why I didn't answer my phone. I responded that my phone never rang.

I looked at my phone and I saw it was on silent. I had forgotten to change my ring after our ASL class the previous night. OOPS! He had called me 5 times. He said when I didn't answer the first time, he figured I was in the bathroom or didn't get to it in time as it does happen. However, I usually call him back right away. I didn't. He waited a few minutes and called again. No answer.

So he drove to Wallyworld because we needed a few things. He called me when he got there but I still didn't answer. He said he thought twice about going into Wallyworld and instead just head home. 

But we needed some things so he went into Wallyworld.  He called me again to confirm some things on the list. Sometimes I put abbreviations he doesn't understand. He was also hoping I'd answer. But I didn't. 

He then started to really worry. He hurriedly got the groceries and when he got into his car, he tried again with still no answer. He said by then he had started to think the worse and wondered how he would find me.

Did I fall and he would see me bleeding? 

Was I deathly ill in bed?  It has happened when I was sick and my blood sugar was very low and he ended up bringing me to the ER.

He was very worried and kept thinking what he could find. My poor Hubby!

When he returned home and saw me perfectly fine he was relieved. MyHubby doesn't show worry much but this time I could tell in his voice he was. I apologized and he took a deep breath hugging me telling me to NEVER do that to him again. Throughout the evening he repeated for me not to do that again and I scared him bad!

I felt so bad the whole night. But thankfully, everything was fine.


Thursday, September 25, 2014

What I've Been Up to

Maybe some of you have been wondering where I have been. Actually, I know some of you are. I've received a few emails asking so I thought I would update.

I finally have my fungal foot problem controlled. It is not healed. It will take time, at least a year but I see signs of health and no more crazy symptoms that nearly drove me insane. 

I had mentioned that I wanted to do some volunteering. I have gone through the general training program for Hospice.  I thoroughly enjoyed it. I learned so much and there is so much more to learn. Everyone was so nice and helpful.

I had to take a Tb which was negative and now I'm waiting for my background check to come back.  After that I'll be ready to volunteer my services.

As I was listening to the different ways to volunteer I thought I could do this or that. My nursing urge kicked in big time. I just want to jump in and do it all! However, I know as I explore I'll find my niche!

It was amazing how many others wanted to be a volunteer. We were from many different areas. That's good because the Volunteer Coordinator, Mrs Ann tries her best to match the volunteer with a client that is in our parish, (Or county, as most of you say) if we decide to volunteer our services in that way. 

I met Mrs. Ann when I went apply a few months earlier. She is the most genuine nicest person I have ever met. Seriously!!!

I also signed up for ASL (American Sign Language). Actually about six months ago, I contacted the local Diocese who offers the class.  MyHubby decided to join me. I am excited he decided to join me.

We started last week. It is fun and I think it will be challenging for the next few weeks. It's a six or eight week class.  I know the basics for the most part such as the ABC's. Our teacher, Ms Katie showed me the proper way to do some signs as I've become sloppy throughout the years.

It is difficult for me to do some signs because of my spasticity of my hands. However, I am getting it for the most part. It was reassuring when some classmates had trouble doing some signs as well and they don't have Cerebral Palsy.  

I am not sure what I want to do with the ASL knowledge. I've always wanted to do some interpreting for the deaf but this course is just the beginning. I would have to get certified and that's a long road ahead and more extensive learning. We will see.

This weekend at our Mass, they announced that our church is trying to start a Come Lord Jesus program which I'm interested in. Not sure if I will join but will attend the first meeting for more information tonight.

There it is. That's what I have been up too.  Thanks for those who inquired about what I've been doing.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

My BabyGirl is 22 Today!

Having children is such a blessing.

I remember the day BabyGirl came into the world. It was 22 years ago on this date at 4:04 AM. After a bit coaxing, she let out a screeching cry, seemingly angry that she had to come out of her bubble.

I counted her toes and fingers. I touched her baby soft skin. I rolled my fingers through her fine hair as little as she had.

Tears of happiness flowed. I realized at that very moment my life would never be the same. The bundle of joy in my arms was all mine. (Yea, her Father's too). This little human being was going to be dependent on me for the first several years of her life.

How scary that was!


I thanked God and then asked him to help me raise this beautiful child to be successful and live life to the fullest. I knew it would have its challenges and maybe more so because of my disability.


She was special. She sensed her mommy was different. She and I together learned to improvise.

She became the sole reason that I kept fighting illnesses and kept me wanting to live. My world surrounded her entirely. She was my rock.

Before she became too heavy for me to bend down and pick her up, she learned to climb my leg so it was easier for me. I think it was instinct.

As she got older, she attempted to use my disability to her advantage a few times. When she was in the terrible twos, she would run away from me when she knew a slap on the butt was coming for doing something wrong. I always got her one way or another. But it was obvious she forgot at that moment as she was running.

But when we were in public, I had rules. She was always to hold my hand the moment I took her out of the car seat. If I was doing something in the car or had to do something with my hands, she was to hold my leg or jacket. There were no ifs, ands or buts. I have to admit, she obeyed very well.

Like any child, she tested my limits. Once, at a post office I had put her down and she just took off running. It was one of the scariest moments she gave me. Thankfully, an elderly man stopped her and told her to wait. Still on adrenalin, when I got a hold of her I shook her a few times and yelled at her. I saw eyes on us as people walked by. I'm sure they thought I was a crazy woman. After I shook my fear and anguish from her I grabbed her and hugged her and asked her not to do that again. This happened in a matter of less than 30 seconds but it seemed eternity.  She never did it again.

During her school years, she was smart and did her schoolwork without any argument. I remember during the summer months, other parents couldn't wait for school to start so their bratty kids would be out of the house. I never thought that way. I was busier in the summer chauffeuring her to summer programs she wanted to do plus karate but was sad I wouldn't have those extra hours with her. She was in T-Ball, Softball, Dancing and Karate. She did well in everything she put her mind too.


Karate was her passion. She was excellent at it earning her Black Belt and teaching the younger kids for a while.

She went through so many different phases I  nearly got whip lashed. I earned a few grey hairs, that she really wants to pull but it is my trophy for getting through it. MyMom would encourage me and tell me that she was just trying to figure out who she was. She was right.

When she became of age, she left home. She wanted that independence of everyone. I have to say I cried at night sometimes with worry. I prayed so hard to keep her safe.

She has supported herself with part-time jobs and going to college full time which she graduated.

She's had so many bumps in the road I sometimes wondered how she would get through it.

I remember everything we've been through together and what she has been through alone. She is so very strong and meets her challenges head-on and gets through every one of them.

We are as tight as we were when she was younger. We had a rough period but came out of it stronger than ever. We love and appreciate each other even more.

She has grown to be a beautiful young independent lady. I can't voice the words to describe how proud I am of her and how deep my love runs for her. She is the light of my soul and always keeper of my heart.




Happy 22nd Birthday BabyGirl! I wish you to have many more with happiness! Always remember to be who you are. You are so unique and there is only one of you. Stay the loving, quirky and compassionate person you are.










Saturday, August 16, 2014

Cerebral Palsy: Muscle Cramps

Cerebral Palsy brings on many effects to the body. Muscle cramps are one. As a child I would get them often. They were mostly in my legs, specifically my calves, and in my hands. Most of the time it is only one limb.

I remember my Mom laying me on the white deep chest freezer moving my limbs doing various exercises at least three times a day to try to prevent the cramps. It was to loosened and stretch my muscles. 

I hated that freezer. But thankful Mom didn't let my tears get to her.  

I remember when the cramps would occur in my legs, she would put me on the freezer or lay me down wherever we were and move my limbs and massage the area as I cried and wished it to go away.

When they occurred in my hands my fingers became stiff. I constantly had a squishy ball in my hands when I was in the house to squeeze to strengthen and loosen my hand muscles. I didn't understand then why and I hated the ball and probably Mom for nagging for me to squeeze the ball. Again, I am now thankful.

As I have grown older the cramps have lessened but they still occur and probably will until the day I die. However, they now occur in the weirdest places of my limbs sometimes.

Some are in my toes. Mind you I can't move my toes, individually. When I try to move my toes my whole foot moves. But when a cramp occurs, my toes move into a scissor-like position. I have to manually move my toes back in place and massage the soles and roll my feet to work the cramp out.

I continue to have them in my calves, especially when I walk a lot during the day but they often occur  seemingly for no reason at all. When I get them I usually have to walk them out, and they are usually at night when I am about to fall asleep or while watching TV. I sometimes have to pace the floor as long as an hour before my muscles finally relax. 

It's a pain in more ways than one.  Sleepy and tired and have to pace in the dark while I listen to Hubby sleeping. But I deal with it.

Then there the cramps I absolutely hate the most. Even as a grown woman, it can bring tears to my eyes. Those are in the arch of my foot. Walking them out does not work. Actually, walking causes the cramp to spread up my leg or intensifies.It feels like my little bones are knotting up. Note: I said bones not muscles. They almost always wake me up at night, like last night. I just manually roll my feet and manipulate it until it finally dissipates or sometimes I work it to get a point that it is not as bad to lay down and fall asleep. They seem to take the longest to work out.

At one point in my adulthood, they would occur at the most inopportune time. I know. There is no convenient time to have a cramp. But in midst of intimacy with my then-husband, the cramps would appear and certainly 'kill the mood."  It was frustrating for me not to mention painful. I finally got the courage to talk my doctor about it. He put me on a very low dose of Xanax every night. Since that day years ago cramps no longer 'kill the mood'. Sometimes I feel my muscle start to knot but I've learned to deal with it and work it through as they are not as intense. I don't have to push my Hubby off like a craze woman anymore.

Cramps have been and always will be a part of my life. I do stretch exercises. All my electrolytes are fine. I just accept it is part of Cerebral Palsy and thankful it is not worse.