Thursday, August 25, 2011

Grocery Shopping With My BabyGirl

This is the continuation of yesterday's blog, Salvage Yard with My BabyGirl.

We get to Wallyworld and ate lunch at Subway as we were starving  Then her grocery shopping began. She had her list and we proceeded. As we went along, I noticed how she compared prices. She is a health nut and was comparing prices. Once she was debating on something and she said to herself that one was cheaper and grabbed the cheaper product. I had to grin to myself but not a word I  uttered..She had to get some college supplies and I showed her how inexpensive if you got that bigger box of copy paper then the little pack. The case of paper (2500 pages) should last her through the semester!.

As we made our way to the register, I said, "It feels so nice to grocery shop and not have to pay anything." The cashier laughed. As My BabyGirl was looking at the register, and saw the total, she got excited and exclaimed, "Wow its 30 dollars less than I thought!  I was sure it was going to be $100." I said, "Now you know why I got excited!"

It was just fun to see My BabyGIrl shopping, thinking, comparing prices and watching that expression of delightful surprise when she discovered she'll have 30 more bucks than she thought.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Salvage Yard

I was on such a roll in writing my 30 days but then I acquired insomnia and couldn't sit and write focused.. I don't consider myself a scarey cat but when MyLove is away, I hear EVERY sound the first day.. Someone else's dryer startles me. Someone upstairs put on their water, I jump. The refrigerator kicks on and my eyes pop open. I don't fall asleep until 2-4 am.

The second night is much better and by the time he returns I'm used to all the sounds.Thank God he is home! LOL.

If you are following me, you know My BabyGirl is without a car due to an accident she caused. The day we used to use as "US" time is now errand time. And that's perfectly okay. I picked her up from college and went to her apartment as the blonde blurr she is forgot her title to her car.

We went to her apartment and grabbed the title. We drove to the salvage yard. Of course, it took us longer because the man was unclear of his directions. We finally got there and Layla asked him how much was he going to give her.

Raise your hand if you or someone you know, is knowledgable regarding that when your car is totalled, you bring it to salvage yard, you can get money from it? If you raised your hand good for you!

Her father had told her she should have asked how much money he was going to give to her when her car was brought there. She did not know this. I didn't even think about it. If it was totalled it was unfixable to me. So anyway we finally find the dude. He gave her some gibberish that her car was a 2000 but if it was a 2001 she would be able to get more. He also explained that he has several cars like hers that he hasn't been able to do anything with. He also said he probably could fix it. I asked how much would it cost her to fix it.

He replied he didn't know because he didn't look into the car but maybe 1700. Layla said that one of her dad's mechanics checked it out and said it wasn't worth fixing.

I thought AFTER we  left, if he didn't look into the car, what was his reasoning for 40 bucks?

So we asked again, how much. He said $40.

I said, "That's it?"

He said the practice of paying for cars salvage is pretty much not practiced as much as it did once.

I was going to debate the issue but My BabyGirl said, "Mom, that's fine." I thought I can get this jerk to pay more but again, I wasn't sure how much the car was worth. The radiator and transmisson got crushed.

Also, it was NOT MY business. I was only bringing her and she is an adult so I just stepped back. He gave her $40 bucks and she signed the title.

I asked him how much would it cost me to pay for a taillight for my car. He told me I had to go down the road to the office, give my VIN number to the dude there. So we left and I found the yard but saw no one. It sorta looked creepy and we didn't see anyone. As we were discussing if I wanted to go there. a dude went onto the porch waving at us but there really was no road or path. He disappeared into the building and we decided just to leave it alone. I backed up and we went along our way.

I told her that if she allowed me or if she pressed on him, she could have gotten more than 40 bucks. She said she screwed up by not asking how much he was going to give her when the car was brought there. I understand what she was saying because I probably would not have thought of it either.Also, her father will be grinding her error for time to come as he always does.. I could tell that she learned her lesson and decided to put it to rest. Nothing could be done anyway.   .

Stay tuned for more adventure!

Friday, August 19, 2011

My BabyGirl's Take On Having a Mom with CP

I can remember my mother always walking differently than everyone else from a young age, but it never bothered me. I always understood that I needed to walk a little slower, so I could stay at the same pace with her. I don’t remember asking why she walked differently until I was about in the 3rd or 4th grade, but I’m sure she explained cerebral palsy to me before that. 

The thing I remember most though were the kids who made fun of my mother. That wasn’t okay with me in the least bit. I always stood up for my mother. Kids are cruel, but I tried my best to not let them get to me. I let them make fun of me, but once they started on how my mother walked differently, they earned a mouthful from me. My mother actually recently told me how one of my teachers from elementary school saw me stand up for her, and they told her about it. The taunts and cruel words are inevitable, because when people don’t understand something, they make fun of it. The important thing though is not letting it get to you. You know the truth, and that’s what matters the most.

My mother’s cerebral palsy has never affected how I interact with her on an emotional level. I love my mother all the same, no matter what. If someone doesn’t understand that they need to slow down for my mom or that she’s still the same person, it’s not my problem and they aren’t in my life. I make sure that the situation is better for her walking wise, or that I slow down so that she isn’t tripping over herself or anything like. She fusses at me for wanting to help her when there are high curbs or anything of the sort, but it’s only because I care about her. I prefer to help her up there rather than see her trip.

In the end, my mother will always be my mother, no matter what. She’s raised an independent, well-adjusted child who knows how to handle herself and the world before her. If anything, I’ve learned how to be a more understanding person thanks to my mother. I love her, and I dare any one to mock the way she walks. If my mother hadn’t been through what she has been, I wouldn’t be here, and she wouldn’t be the person she is.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

CP Group

Yesterday, somehow I happened on a group on Facebook. It was probably my spastic hand doing its own thing at the moment.  (HAHA)

This group is specifically for people with CP.  Members share their life story. They ask questions. Some are just hanging out.

It is amazing to read other's stories. It is cool to be able to say, "OH I so can relate!" or "Yep, that happened to me". We all have our differences but it is nice to join a group that actually understands or has been through what you have been through.. It shows WE ARE NOT ALONE.

There are young people with CP struggling to be accepted for who they are, not by what they have. They have concerns what they can or can't do. There are older people who have been through the same the young ones are going through that can support them and encourage them.

It is amazing how soceity has accepted the 'disabled"; compared to when I was growing up.

It is amazing to learn how the braces and therapy changed and improved.

I have had some ask me how it was when I was in high school, how my CP affected me going to nursing school, how it affected me being a parent and many more. It is great to be able to share your experiences with someone and able to encourage them, "You can do this."

Thank you Leigh Lockrey for putting up such an awesome page!

Someone asked me privately how did my child feel growing up with a mom with a disability. My daughter and I have discussed it candidly. It was my worse fear that she would be ridiculed because of me. She stood up for me. She doesn't remember the one time that made me realize she could hold her own. .

Anyway I asked her to write a paper stating her real feelings about being raised with a mom with a disability to share with others. Stay tuned for her letter next post.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Check out My Guest Post at Overthinking Mama

Overthinking Mama requested volunteers to write whatever we wanted for guest posts while she was on vacation from her blog. After emailing back and forth, I reluctantly agreed and submitted one. So check out my guest post here Guest Post.

While you are on her site, check out her posts! She is an awesome Christian Mother who shares her life and thoughts with her followers. 

Thanks again Overthinking Mama~

Friday, August 12, 2011

Crippled? Disabled? Handicapped?

I had to go to Wallyworld to return a loaf of MOLDY bread. We bought it, and when we opened it, the first several slices had a line of mold across them. EWWWW!

So I arrived, got my yellow sticker from the greeter and followed a slower than me elderly African man. Yes, there are others SLOWER than me.

I do have respect for others that are less fortunate then me so I did not try to pass him or as a lot of people do, cut in front of him like we are in the Indy 500.  We arrived and I immediately noticed two cash registers opened and it appeared there were two lines. I followed the older gentleman to the shorter line.

Adults obviously don't know how to form a line. The other line was an older Caucasian lady with what seemed like a late 20's or early 30's woman standing beside her. It could be her daughter along with 3 kids under the age of 4. I'll call her the BIOTCH. Behind these people were a pair of teenage Caucasian girls. I thought the lines were somewhat jagged but it was obvious that there were two lines. So I  stood behind the gentleman.

I saw the BIOTCH talk to the older woman. I noticed because they were loud then it became a whisper. I glanced over but didn't pay much attention.

The gentleman in front of me starts walking forward as the person in front of him went up and the older woman turns to the gentleman and says pointing to the back of her line, "I don't know what you are doing but the back of the line is over there."

Understandably confused, the gentleman looks at her and says, "I'm in this line, you are in that one." The lady pointing frantically says "NO, this is the line. You need to go over there."

I WAS going to stay out of it.

However, the BIOTCH looks at him then me and tells the older woman, "Oh they're crippled, they think they can cut." She added some expletives.

EXCUSE ME! Okay, NOW! They put me in it and they have no idea what the hell they are starting.

I said, "EXCUSE ME? It seems there are two lines here. As the man said, "You're there, we're here."

The BIOTCH heightens her voice, "Ya'll just think ya'll can cut just because ya'll are crippled." I wanted to walk up to her and PUNCH the crap out of her!

I yelled, "YOU don't know me so you don't even know what I think! There are TWO LINES here, two cashiers! Obviously, you are in that line and we are in this one."

I saw in my peripheral vision the gentleman leaning and whispered to me "Don't bother, I'll move" but I was just too pissed off! I ordered, "NO YOU ARE NOT."

The BIOTCH sarcastically shouts, "I was NOT talking to you."

I shouted back, "Maybe not, but you said, "YA'LL. That means more than one person and you looked straight at me so you made me included! Leave this man alone!"

It was their turn in their line and they went up. The man chuckles and said, "You're one little spitfire aren't you?"

I was trying to simmer down because I didn't want to cry and make her think I was weak. I cry when I am mad. The BIOTCH with the kids hanging all over her like she was a tree glared at me and I returned the glare twofold.

I answered the man as I continue to return the glare, "I will speak up and defend myself or anyone who needs back up if I see they need.. My parents taught me to fight for what I knew was right and never allow anyone to belittle me.. This was downright wrong and they were outright ignorant"

The BIOTCH finally broke eye contact.

He chuckled and we started a small conversation about where we were from etc. He walked to the cashier when it was his turn.

One of the kids of that BIOTCH starts running around me. I was waiting for him to run into me. Actually, I wished he had. If you know me, a light breeze can blow me over. LAWSUIT against the BIOTCH. She got me that pissed off.

His ignorant mother stepped forward and grabbed him as the older lady finished her business and turned around. We glared at each other but nothing came out of their ignorant mouths. She finally broke eye contact and walked away huffing.

I could hear them jabbering, no doubt , about me, but I really didn't give a darn.

I met up with the older man when I walked out. His car was parked in the handicapped space next to mine. He thanked me and said he will always remember me. I told him no thanks necessary but if he really wanted to, next time, stand up for himself and people like us. He seemed amused for some reason. He chuckled and said, "Honey, I think sometimes I'm too old to worry about such nonsense.But for you to jump and defend a total stranger, I'll pray for you. God has blessed you."
We said our good-byes.

For some reason, I hate the word CRIPPLE. I guess because I was teased maliciously  and crippled was the word they used to laugh at me and call me names. And society has replaced Cripple with Disabled, physically challenged or handicapped.

One day I looked up crippled, handicapped and disabled. According to, here are the definitions:

Crippled:1. Sometimes Offensive .
                   a. a person or animal that is partially or totally unable to use one or more limbs; 
                     lame or disabled person or animal.
                  b.a person who is disabled or impaired in any way: a mental cripple.
               2. Anything that is impaired or flawed

HANDICAPPED: Physically or mentally disabled.
            2. (of a contestant) marked by, being under, or having a handicap: a handicapped  player.

DISABLED: crippled; injured; incapacitated.

If I pick these apart here is what I come up with:

"Crippled-Sometimes Offensive"--It was offensive when I grew up. Besides the kids torment, the ignorant older people would come up to me and my mom in a grocery store or wherever and say, Aww poor crippled girl." My mom would ignore them majority of the time and we would walk away  but sometimes she would say, "yes, my child is handicapped." No one can imagine what my mom went through.

However, I went to the Crippled Children's clinic in my hometown, I went to the Crippled Childrens circus and Crippled Children's camp.However, this was 1960s and 1970s.

Lame 1. crippled or physically disabled, especially in the foot or leg so as to limp or walk with     difficulty.
           2. impaired or disabled through defect or injury: a lame arm.
            3.weak; inadequate; unsatisfactory; clumsy: a lame excuse.
          4.Slang . out of touch with modern fads or trends; unsophisticated.

I can move ALL my limb although with a limp. My legs, surprisingly are stronger than my arms. I am clumsy. Aren't  everyone weak in one way or another?

But who is to say what is a flaw or impaired nowadays? I used to tell my daughter, everyone has a flaw as we are not perfect. Some flaws you can see better than others but it gives no one a right to make you feel less of a person.

Disabled: Synonymous with crippled. Disabled is used most of the time now.  But yet there is Handicapped Parking.

So I guess all the words can be used interchangeably. I think what is most important is the TONE and CONTEXT they are used.

Before one speaks, they need to think and be prepared to defend their ignorant ways

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Part II Banking Nonsense.

If you are new check out my previous post from yesterday. This post is a continuation.

So I got my insurance covered and went to the bank. I bypassed the tellers and went to the guy who helped me change my name on my account.

I entered his office calmly and perky. He offered me a seat and asked if I wanted some coffee or a soda.

I  politely declined. Siting back in his king-size plush office chair he smiled and  asked, "What can I do for you?"

I returned the smile and responded, "I want my 34 dollars back."

He frowned and said, "What do you mean?" I explained the predicament I was in and how the bank was wrong..

He asked, "What time did you transfer the money?"

I said, "Around 7:55 am." 

We went through the Q&A of account number, name, address, etc. My account finally appeared on the screen.and he stated, "There is an overdraft fee because your insurance didn't go through."

I focused on his hair sticking up as I regulated my breathing. I was so tired of this crap. It had been 3 business days after my melt down at the SS office.

He was watching me and I just shook my head. I took out a paper I had printed some of their disclosure. and calmly read, "According to the disclosures it states  we will not generally authorize a non-repeating debit card transaction if your available account balance is insufficient."

He leans back in his chair and says, "That is correct."

I said, "This is NOT the point I am trying to make BUT what do you consider a non-repeating debit card transaction?"

He said, "Transactions that are made that have not been repeated so many times in a month or not a monthly debit."


I retorted, "How in the heck can you (meaning the bank) decide its non-repeating when its only the 3rd day of the month?"

He thinks he is correct and says, "Today is the 8th."

I agreed and asked him to go the previous month. He quizzically looks at me as he waits for the computer to show what I want him to see. He inquires, "What?"

I said, "Do you see the debit for my insurance last month?"

He nods.

I told him to go back to the previous month. He suggested that he pull up all debits. I agreed.

We both saw the long line of my insurance debits.

Seemingly ignorant, I ask, "Isn't that a repeating debit?"

He rests his chin on his hand and looks at the screen. He said, "Yea, but.."

I shake my finger, "Uh uh, you agree that is a repeated debit? So I covered (the bank's) disclosure on that one, right?"

Shaking his head, he agrees.

I said, "My life has been hell since the 3rd so don't take this personally. I've been upset and just trying to catch up the best way I know how. I know its none of your doing. Just let me ask the questions and you can agree or disagree okay."

He agreed.

I began, "My Social Security check of no fault of mine did not go through." He nods yes..

I continued, "My insurance went through at midnight." He glances at the computer and says, "Right."

I say okay, I do have OD protection, correct?

He looked at the computer and agreed, "Yes, you have Debit card OD protection and savings protection."  Then he adds, "But we charge...

I didn't let him finish, I put my hand up finger up like shh and said, "I have two ways to protect myself from OD protection correct?."

He said, "Yes ma'am but the computer automatically overdrew your account at the time of the transaction. You had insufficient funds."

I said, "I gotcha but according to this disclosure (waving my paper) it states it will not deduct the charge if money is deposited by the end of that day."  Pause. I could see his brain cells reeling.

"I, myself alone did what YOUR computer was suppose to do. The moment the transaction was deemed insufficient, your computer was suppose to take my savings which I had sufficient funds to do so and prevent my checking account to overdraw.."

He exclaims, "Well the bank was not opened and it has to be done manually."

My eyes squinted and I said,  "Are you f--king kidding me? There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with that picture. Your SYSTEM can automatically deduct charges and put me insufficient overdrawn but it CAN'T look at my savings account and transfer money to my checking account when I DO have SAVINGS OD PROTECTION! Are you kidding me?!"

He says, "Well the computer doesn't know you have a savings!".

I said, "LOOK AT THE COMPUTER, what kind of accounts I have on there?"


I snap my fingers in the air. I sigh, "My case is rested."

He gets up and says, "Can you hold a minute, I'll be right back." He comes back a few minutes later.Don't know what he did. I didn't care.

He says, "Ma'am the overdraw was before the transfer." I knew he was trying to play me!

I ordered, "Don't play with me Mr.!"  then asked, "What time is considered the end of the business day?"

He said, "4 pm".

I inquire, "What time did I deposit again."

He glances at computer and says, "8 am."

I raise my arms up and exclaim, "PRAISE THE LORD! ALLELUIA". He studies the computer and says but you overdrew.

I said I rectified it before 4 pm SIR by transferring MY money, that your freaking computer should have done..( Waving my paper in the air)

                                                      This kid looks exactly like I felt..ahhhh

I responded, "WHAT?"

He repeated, "Which account?"

I say, "My checking account, where you took it out of! I so wanted to say MORON.

He clicked and I jokingly ask, "Are you putting my $34 in now?"

He said, "No, I'm starting the process."

I exclaimed, "GEEZUS! Maybe I should just start August all over again. I rambled how easy a bank can charge, make mistakes in a second but takes fricking forever to put it back in and banks wonder why they are screwed.Also how banks have become difficult with their AUTOMATED systems blah blah.

He apologized as he continued to click click click. I get up. Pulling a page out of the printer he said, "Wait, here's your receipt that $34 will be deposited into your checking,". So I took the paper, said thank you and stood up.

He reminded me that if I don't deposit a certain amount in my savings by the end of the month, they will charge me because I'll be below the limit. I stopped, sat back down and said, "You know what. Close the savings account and transfer the money to my checking.

WHIP LASHING, he looked up and asked, "What?"


He looked baffled.

I informed, "I would be closing the checking as well. However, when SS finally gets their screw up fixed I need the account for auto deposit. So just close my savings and transfer the little I have left to checking." He apologizes. For what?  No clue. Don't care.

He clicked, paper came out, I signed and he gave it to me.. We exchange good byes and I was done.

The next day, my savings was closed, the money was transferred in my checking and my 34 buckaroos were credited. Yea baby! I count that as a WIN for me.

I've been having a bad headache and I'm exhausted. All because some government employee clicked delete..

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Banking Nonsense-Part I

If you are following my fiasco since the 3rd, you'll know its been rough.

I have debits scheduled to be deducted from my checking account. I also have debit card/savings OD protection. However, the bank can decided what they will pay and what they will not pay if I should  use my debit card with insufficient funds. (How stupid would that be if I knew I was overdrawn or didn't have enough and still used the debit card..duh!)

Also, if I overdraw, they are suppose to first transfer the money from my savings before the OD protection kicks in, at THEIR descretion. I think that is bullshit. Why have OD protection if its at THEIR DISCRETION? To me its like okay, she overdrew or she doesn't have enough, so lets put all the transactions in a hat and pick which ones we will pay.

Here are some of their "DISCLOSURES"
We do authorize and pay overdrafts for the following:
Checks and other transactions using your checking account number
Recurring debit transactions.

The very next line is: If we don't hear from you, we will not pay for the overdraft for the following reasons: Everyday debit card transactions.

Is that confusing or what?

Then it says: We pay overdraft at our discretion, which means we do not guarantee that we will always authorize and pay any transaction.

If we do not authorize and pay an transaction, your transaction will be denied (Obviously!)

Anyway, my insurance was scheduled to be deducted. The minute I saw my disability was not there, I immediately transferred my savings to my checking so the insurance wouldn't kick back. It was covered! It was before the bank opened. You would think I was okay, right? 

WRONG!  My insurance called and told me the bank denied it. I look at my account and I see a OD charge the same day I transferred the money in AND they did not pay it.  What the hell?

I called my bank and told them what happened. The representative who could hardly speak English told me it was midnight the transaction went through and I transferrred after that. I'm like so? She said the fee was because of the OD. I told her I didn't overdraw. I transferred the money! I told her also and I read it word for word but will shorten it here: You have until the end of the transaction day to deposit the money before OD protection starts or charged OD fees.

She says, "But you didn't?" I hung up on her. I was so upset that day and I felt it was a no win situation.  I had enough. I decided to let a few days go by, as I had deposited more money and I would go back and get my 34 back. It made NO sense to me and it still doesn't.

Let me explain my insurance history a little. When I first starting paying insurance as an adult, my parents transferred the policy to my name. It was the same company I have now but different city and agent. Someone hit me and totaled my car. Well the agent at the time called me at my job and harrassed me for months threatening they will cut me off next car accident. I finally had enough, changed insurance companies altogether and vowed I'll never go to that company again.

However, when MyLove and I got together and bought rent insurance together, I figured out if I would put my car insurance I could get a discount  which meant less money out of my pocket so I switched. The first 6 months was mixed up, I didn't get my insurance cards in time, when I changed my name, the corporate office got it mixed up so I was at the office several times highly irritated. It finally got straightened.

So when I arrived at the office, my rep greets me at the door. He remembered my name. Wonder why huh? LOL. I told him my predicament. I had cash on me.

He said in the office they usually don't deal with cash, they only accept credit cards, debit cards, money orders so they won't have to go the bank every day. As I think about it, what do they do with money orders? HOWEVER he saw my wad of bills and said he didn't have any change. So we made a compromise and he took my money and credited my account the difference.I asked him what was the NSF charge since it kicked back. He said, "Its all good. We're not charging you." I wanted to kiss his cute cheeks LOL. 

Stay tuned for Part II.--Interaction with the Bank


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Bicycle Locks-Helpful TIp

I hope everyone had a nice weekend and your week has started great. As my faithful followers know, last week was  grueling for me.If you are new you can check it out Dark Hole Is Returning.

The irony of it all was Saturday, I received an email titled Social Security Disability. A Steady Income Program. MyLove received one the next day. Go figure!

I am tired of thinking, worrying and bitching about it.I am sure you are tired of hearing it.  So lets change the subject. I have a gazillion things to write about. I noticed I have 10 drafts. HA! Maybe one day I'll get to those.

My BabyGirl returned from her hiatus with her girlfriend in MS. I was so happy to see her yesterday. It is so amazing to have an endless abundance of love in your heart for someone like your child. You hold them and just don't want to leg go! At least I don't. They sometimes make you cry, frustrated, irritated but even with all that you get this unconditional love between the two of you. It is NOTHING like it.

I took her laundry to wash them as she does not have a car now so we're devising a plan so I can pick them up and do them without going too long.  A lot of people has asked me why I do her laundry since she moved out.

What can I say? She is spoiled. HA! Also, when she had a car she would come and make it our mother/daughter day although she ended up sleeping and I did the laundry. But that is okay because she was with me and that's all that counts. Her presence is all I need sometimes.

As I was sorting her laundry I found a combination lock locked onto a purse.  I guess she was saving it there. She had left her  combination in her phone but her phone has died. 

So I think, maybe there is a way to undo it so I go to the lock website. I realized there is no serial number on it. How strange is that? The website states the reason being to provide enhanced long–term security, the company has discontinued imprinting a serial number on the lock body on combination locks sold through retail locations. Very good reason considering the crime rising throughout America.

The site went on to say if it was registered on their site, the combination could be saved there. However, my college student of a daughter probably didn't do that. I am waiting on a reply from her through email. 

So if she had registered it she could have retrieved the combination. Consider this a tip to all of you who may buy a bike lock or any lock for that matter. REGISTER it and don't keep the combination in any device that can lose it or break.

I wouldn't have dreamed having a post regarding this rather dull topic but then I thought! School is around the corner and bike locks may be bought.

Is it just grand something falls into your lap to write about :).

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Looking back

 I never imagined so many people sending me emails and private messages supporting me yesterday. We bitch about facebook and blogger but if I hadn't had any of you here I would have done something I would have regretted. Ya'll kept me busy responding to your notes etc. I give a sincere thank you to all. Ya'll mean so much to me, and not just because of yesterday. Everyone of you have impacted my life in a positive way.

Soon after my post on FB my BabyGirl called me worried. Regrettably, I poured my tears on her. She kept saying, "Mom, Breathe. Mom Breathe." She and I have been through alot. I always said God gave me My BabyGIrl to keep me going during times like these. She has always been my rock. She has no idea how many times I've kept going solely because of her. She has no clue how much power she has.

My mom coincidentally called me when I returned home. My BFF, Jeff I had not heard from in a while emailed me letting me know he was there. My cuz kept tabs on me throughout the day.

MyLove came home with hardly any clue what went down. He assured me everything would be okay. I was at one of my lowest. I fell asleep crying in his arms. I woke up around 2 am with a very bad anxiety attack. However, His words, "We'll be okay. I love you. and My BabyGirl's "Breathe Moma. Breathe" calmed and I went back to sleep.

I knew when I met MyLove, he was different than any man I knew. He was there for me as he is always. I can count on him. He's seen me through tough times. I've opened the door a few times for him to leave. He does not have to put up with me and my life. But he stays. He loves me. I am so grateful. I love him more than any man I loved. It wasn't that many but I had to go through a few toads to catch my prince.

I woke up this morning. I am not going to lie. I can feel the black hole wanting to suck me in.

I am fighting. I went over in my head what went down. Poor workers at the office. Everyone, including the visitors were on edge.  It is none of their fault. It's whoever made that vital mistake. It is our government's red tape. They've knocked me down a few times, yesterday one of the worst. But I am getting back up far.

I have taken some of your suggestions. I called doctors and hospitals I am paying monthly and told them of my circumstance, they are willing to wait for next month. THANK GOODNESS. I guess everything else is going to take care of itself. Can't get blood out of a turnip, right?

I called the Congressman but as all government crappola, it was a recorded message. Go figure. LOL. I am going to write him and everyone I can find. I may not get any answers. It is my therapy. It is something I have to do.

God and I were not on good terms yesterday. There was a big miscommunication between he and I.  He watched me melt downl. WHY? I know all the bible stuff. This life of despair and hardships is a journey to eternal life with him. How much hardship can one take? All I want is to get by. I repeated, "He never gives me more than I can handle" That is questionable. I don't want anything luxurious. I just want to be to be able to breathe easily, be able to pay my bills at least.  I guess I am selfish in that way. Greedy compared to what others have. I don't know. His actions continue to be a mystery. I joke sometimes, I have to have a golden path to him by now. Right?

Anyway, I am tired. I am stressed.Once again, I am fighting the deep black hole. It is too close for comfort.

However I am better than yesterday. I had MyLove so worried, he just called me. He does that sometimes when he is away for lunch. But I can hear the concern. I hate when I make people worry.

I guess I'll be okay eventually. I have my army of each and everyone of you behind me with my family. How can I not be? Its another obstacle to trudge through

I can't say thank you enough or say any words to express my love and gratitude for all of you. THANK YOU AND BIG HUGS TO ALL !!.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Dark Hole is Returning...

I was going to go to the grocery store this morning but I ended up at at the Social Security Office instead.

You see, I checked my bank account online and noticed my disability had not gone through. So I calmly called the SSA office and after 1/2 hour on the phone going through the questions and being passed from one to the other, nothing was solved. They simply couldn't find me in their system. I've been having a SS number since I was born and have been having disability since 1995. I gathered my information and went to the SS office, panicked by the time I got there.

After another 45 minutes of waiting  I was called. I tried as calmly as I could to explain to the lady my problem. She types in my information and says I am not there. It was like a de ja vu when the IRS told me and her father MyBabyGirl was never born when she was around 6 years of age.

I hand her the paper stating that I was disabled, last month's bank statement showing the deposit, my SS card an driver's license.

She reads the documents, comparing the documents a couple of times etc. I had been standing which is unusual for me because when I see a chair, I usually sit.

So she looks up at me concerned and says, "Have a seat Ma'am."  I sat at the edge of the seat. She says, "one moment". I watch her walk to the back and talked with a gentleman. After looking at another computer, I saw them whispering. They disappeared into another room  and was gone for 15 minutes. I was getting pissed!

She returns  and says, "Ma'am. You were deleted from the system." I asked rather loudly. "WHAT?"

She said, "We checked several sources and you were deleted accidentally." I astonishly said, "WTF! Who deleted me? She responses with a hush voice, "I don't know ma'am."

Voice raising because I was outraged and panicked, "What the hell? How can someone just delete me without me knowing about it until it is time for a check?"

She shifts in her chair and says, "We figured a person with the same name but a digit in the social security number was different and you were deleted instead of her."

I was trying to be logical knowing anyone can make a mistake, including myself, I say, "Okay so what next?" She said, "Well ma'am, we have to process it through." I asked, "Which means?". We have to send your documents to the main office and reinstate you. I blurted, "Are you fucking serious?" She said, "I'm sorry I can't give you any more explanation." I blubbered, "Well that is just so fucking nice. Ya'll lose me in your system and I have to wait? Trying to avoid eye intact, she said yes.

Melt down!

I said And what the fuck am I suppose to do in the meantime? How long is this going to take? She responds when your next check is deposited, this check and your next check will be deposited. I asked, "Next month". Again, no eye contact. "Yes"

I stand up and shout, "And how am I suppose to pay bills. I have my child's tuition, rent, food, utilities, insurance . I am going to have a bounced autodebit for my insurance.Tell me how am I going to do live for the next month."

By that time I see the man approach to stand behind the lady. And the security guard on the side of me. The waiting room was full of people and it was quiet. I'm crying waiting for an answer she couldn't answer, snot and tears rolling down. She gives me a kleenex and the man directs me to come to the back..

I asked for what? Was he going to give me my check? He apologetically responded, "Honey, I can't do that. It has to go through like the lady said." I said, "Can you tell me how I will pay my bills?" He shakes his head and says, "Maybe you have family to help you out?"

I said, "NO, I don't.What the fuck is wrong with you people. I can't work. I don't have additional resources.What the fuck am I suppose to do? Tell me.Just tell me what the fuck am I going to do. The security guard takes my arm and I instinctively pull back, of course I loose balance and almost fall. The SS man came from behind the desk and said, "c'mon sweetie, lets go to my office." The security office sternly gives me an ultimatium that I go with the gentleman or leave. I let the SS man take me in the back. I was losing it big time.

He gave me some water and some more kleenex. I sat there at the edge of my seat with my elbows on top of his desk and my hands holding my head and blubbered. I asked God just to take me out of this miserable life . The man apologized repeatedly. Asking me questions about my family and my daughter. I realized he was just trying to calm me down. I kept having to take deep breaths.

Other workers came in and out asking him questions regarding other issues. Each of them told me they were sorry and it would be okay. Easy for them to say. They will get their paychecks.After I finally calmed down, the man explained to me what happened again and apologized excessively but I appreciated his compassion. As I got up to leave he asked me if I was going to be okay. I said, "I guess. Financially this month I'm doomed.." He escorted me to the door and the security office discreetly followed me to my car and watched me drive away.

Life Sucks than you die. Death has to be better than this!

Monday, August 1, 2011

As promised-Pictures

I have finally scanned the pics. 

Here they are.:  Front of Castle
 Can you find me? hehe

MyLove, Princess Lenore and Yours Truly.

                                          My Love and I supposedly as Dragon Slayers

 I love this picture because it seems I am standing straight. It does show the CP stance. Pretty cool.

The owl was on the ledge of the roof. I didn't notice until we were walking down the stairs. Sorta creepy. It was like it was watching me LOL.

The swimming pool at the Sanford House. I made use of it. 
And the front of the Sanford House

The Front of the Sanford House