Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Embarrassment because of Cerebral Palsy In Family and Friends?

From time to time I go onto a CP Community Board on Face book. It is for all who have CP to congregate and ask questions and/or share their stories.

As I was scanning through I came upon this question. 'Ever see your child "embarrassed" because of you? '

Surprisingly to me, many had stories about their children being embarrassed.  Some kids requested they not walk with them etc.

It sparked a reminder of one of my online friends/fellow blogger had a set of parents who were not accepting as she grew up.  When I heard her story, it also boggled my mind. It still does when I think about it. She is a strong person getting through it all but I can't even guess how she felt.

One girl shared that she was asked to  walk in her friend's wedding. However, when the parents met her they said she would ruin the wedding. 


The girl told her friend it was okay to find someone to replace her. She wanted her friend's day to be special and go smoothly. She knew her friend wasn't embarrassed.  

I admit she took it better than I would have. I probably would have done the same thing for my friend. But on the other hand I think I would have been hurt because she did not stand up for me. 

Reading other people's experiences make me realize how blessed I am. I have a family who have never been embarrassed by me.  They accepted me for who I was. 

I can say without a doubt that my sister was not embarrassed by me. Yea, like every sibling rivalry she probably wished I would go away as I was a pesky little sister. It was my job to make her annoyed, I admit I did it well sometimes!

None of my friends were embarrassed by me. But then again, I would not have friends who didn't accept me the way I am and were embarrassed of me. I was in two of my friend's weddings. I couldn't believe they asked me. I had voiced my fears of falling down the aisle with the long dress to one. Her response was it could happen to anyone and if I did, she would just come pick me up. It meant a lot to me that my friends accepted me and loved me enough to ask me to wobble in their wedding. (It was supposed to make you smile!)

My worst fear was for my child to get teased or embarrassed by me. But early on she showed she was not. She defended me when one of her classmates teased me and let him know it was in his best interest to keep his thoughts to himself. And in the fourth grade, she had a 4-H project. She did a presentation on Cerebral Palsy. 

It's unimaginable to me that people who are important in your life would be embarrassed by your CP. I just can't wrap my head around it.

I am sure I will be thinking about this for a bit, trying to figure it out. 

My jumbled thoughts are:  

It is not like you can do anything about it if you have CP. None of us with it asked for it. Probably all of us would agree that if we had a choice we wouldn't have it. But we're stuck with it and we just have to make the best of it. 

I understand children can be selfish and inconsiderate at times but to treat their parents who gave life to them like that, is incomprehensible.  

I understand some teens go through a phase of independence and embarrassment of their 'normal' parents. And maybe that is also true for children of disabled parents. 

As mentioned by others in the CP community  my worst fear came true for them. Their kid were bullied because he had CP so the kid requests they stay clear of him when they are at the school.  Or their sibling has CP and they are being teased because of it.  

Maybe it is not totally embarrassment but fear, of them not being accepted by others because of their parent or sibling with CP. 

It is such a cruel world. 

I don't know. I guess it never happened to me and I can't understand it. In my life, family was important. We were to love, respect and accept each other, period. 

What do you think? How do you think you would feel if you had any kind of disability and your child was embarrassed? 

Thursday, May 23, 2013


Hubby and I have to laugh because sometimes we just wanna cry.  Right when we have money saved for one thing, another crisis comes up. The money saved goes elsewhere, not for what it was intended for.

We've been saving money for furniture, garage/carport/deck and other things for our new home. We had plans to use Uncle Sam's refund and we did have some saved

However, our life doesn't go that smoothly.

Unexpected dental bills came. It is totally ridiculous the medical professionals want such a high down payment when we have insurance. Lawnmower broke. Weed eater broke.

Lawnmower and weed eater needs to be replaced soon because the grass won't stop growing. We knew the lawnmower would be needing replacing but just not this soon.

Of course, since that money slipped through our fingers, a freezer we had been watching for came on sale. Why couldn't it have come on sale a week earlier?

I think I am going to buy a lottery ticket this weekend.  Maybe for once our luck will change. I'm not banking on it though.

It is just so darn frustrating.

I guess one way to look at is, at least we are able to save some and we do have more than others.

Have you saved for something but have to use the money for something else?

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

BabyBear and She-Wolf

MammaBear has a duty to protect her cub especially when they are threatened by a Big Bad She-Wolf. In this post I will refer to Mamma's cub as BabyBear.

You see BabyBear loved the Big Bad She-Wolf. BabyBear's broken heart was not enough for Big Bad She-Wolf. She-wolf seems to have the need to dig her claws deeper and deeper.  

MammaBear could see who She-Wolf really was. She-Wolf acted holier than thou.  Spoke constantly without saying anything at all. User. Rude. Manipulator. And that my friends are only a few. 

But She-Wolf made BabyBear happy. BabyBear knew how MammaBear felt but love is blind. BabyBear is like her MammaBear, always want to see the good in everything and everyone. BabyBear gave She-wolf her ALL:  Friendship, love, loyalty, trust and probably more things than MammaBear has no business knowing.

Then from what MammaBear understands the She-wolf decided she needed to let BabyBear go so She-Wolf can grow up more.  It was a rather amicable break up. It tore at MammaBear's heart strings to hear BabyBear sobbing but was confidant that BabyBear would be fine. BabyBear was picking herself up and moving on. She is strong that way.

(Side note: It came to attention that She-Wolf had another victim within weeks if not days)

Then BabyBear gets a message from She-Wolf insinuating that she could ruin BabyBear. The audacity of this BITCH. (She-wolf is synonymous with BITCH, look it up if there is any doubt.).

When BabyBear told MammaBear, MammaBear's first reaction was, "Who in the hell does she think she is?" God? Really??? Ohhhh...MammaBear was not happy!

MammaBear became angry and roared. She wanted to run to She-Wolf and claw her, bite her, eat her and then spit her out. She wanted She-wolf to pay for all the pain she has caused her BabyBear.

But MammaBear didn't because she knew her and BabyBear was way better than the She-Wolf. They would not go to the Bitch's level.

As days went by every time MammaBear thought of how She-Wolf threatened BabyBear she began to wonder: Hurting her was one thing but threatening..whole different story.

Again, Who the hell did She-Wolf think it was? Oh that's right! She has a self absorbed narcissistic view of herself.

What makes her think she has that kind of leverage on anyone else, let alone BabyBear? She obviously does not know BabyBear like she think she does.

How can She-Wolf say that to someone or even think it, especially to someone who she supposedly loved and cared for? 

Why would she even say it? 

Oh that is right, we're talking about the narcissistic, manipulating, hurtful Bitch.

MammaBear's advice to BabyBear was to move on. Stop all communication with She-Wolf. And always remember she is a good Bear. She has a heart of gold and deserves so much better.  

The End.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Gums and Choppers

I hate going to the dentist. Period.

I rather go through a gynecological exam than the dentist. It is true. Going to the dentist is right on top with shopping at Walmart for the things I least like to do.

Until about 10 years ago I had been going to a dentist (Dr G) since my teeth came out as a toddler.  When he retired I had to look elsewhere. It was a couple of years before I found another one.

No dental insurance is the main reason of the lapse.

About 3-4 years ago, I found a dentist (I'll call him Dr P).  I realized how outdated my previous dentist was. By the way my parents and sister and her family had gone to Dr G just as long and their new dentists found all kinds of problems. So all those years we were giving Dr G money for less than adequate dental care.

Through the years Dr G had mentioned offhandedly on occasion that I had periodontal disease and suggested I waterpik and floss which I did. Since he didn't press further, I forgot about it. After all, my trust was in this dentist believing he was taking good care of my mouth and if something was terribly wrong he would inform me.

Dr P gave me the same diagnosis in addition to having to get every cavity redone along with plaque build up. The only reason he gave me was due to poor oral hygiene which I knew was not true. I used a waterpik, flossed and brushed my teeth at least twice a day every day.  

Dr G as well as my pulmonologist had told me my inhalers and meds were factors of gum disease and plaque build up. But again,they said it so nonchalantly that I didn't give it any further thought. Maybe I should have.

Dr. P's staff made me feel so embarrassed. They were  condescending and made me feel like a two year old being reprimanded. They spoke like I was going to lose my teeth soon, if I didn't do what they told me I had to do (Mainly have all the work done and pay them big bucks). Every time I went they 'needed' to do a debridement" which was 100 bucks. I told them I was paying this out of pocket and I was on a fixed income. I couldn't be doing this indefinitely.The next time they gave me a "plan". It was a series of debridements and replacing all my cavities etc etc. The final price (or so they say) was about $2500.

Then I started noticing the receipts didn't jive with my payments. I inquired about it several times and the girl was a nitwit. I talked to someone else and they manipulated the billing. My Hubby and I sat down and did the accounting ourselves and it didn't add up to what they had. It seemed they were double billing and not subtracting my payments. Hubby was an accountant in the Air Force so I know he knew what he was doing. Although math isn't my strong suit, I know basic arithmetic. They actually owe me but I know I won't ever see it. In return I will never refer them to anyone if someone asks.

So I just stopped going. I was frustrated, wary of dentists and depressed. I continued to water pick and brush my teeth.

Two years later Hubby put me on his dental insurance after we got married. It had been a year since he put me on but I just didn't want to deal with a dentist so I procrastinated.  I was afraid I was going to go through the same frustration.

With Hubby's nudging and an intermittent toothache, I decided to put the insurance to use. After all, dental care is no out of pocket twice a year for cleaning, right?

I did some research online with the providers that were on our insurance. I found two dentists, Dr C. and Dr R. I heard and read good things about both of them. I called Dr R and they couldn't take me for 2 months.

Dr C has a website. I filled out an inquiry form. They responded within hours (Absolutely amazing for businesses I've dealt with via online) and said they could see me in two weeks. I called and made my appointment

Yesterday was the dreadful day, as I call a dental appointment.  Did I say I hate the dentist?

The office called me about 1-1/2 hours before my appointment and asked if I could go in early. I said sure. So off I went.

Their office is in the same area where my old pulmonologist used to be. He was one special man. It brought back memories. Weird how memories just pop up like that. Maybe that will be another post in the future.

Anyway, i entered and the receptionist greeted me and took my paperwork. Within 5 minutes another girl called my name. I'm sorry I can't remember her name and she was so nice.

I am really lousy in remembering names.

I followed her through a maze of halls as we chitchatted. But I did note that she was walking WITH me. It is a pet peeve of mine when I have to follow someone such as a nurse or waiter and they blow ahead of me so fast I can't keep up. I have literally stopped a few times until the person realized I wasn't behind them and they had to come back for me. It embarrassed them but I think they got the message.

So it was looking good.

A little information: I have been coughing up a storm for about a month now. Its a dry irritating cough. My voice goes in and out as the weather changes. When I stay still  the cough is better. But if I talk, eat, drink, move in any way, just a tad, I cough. Sometimes my coughing spells induce shortness of breath. I It's sorta 'normal' with the type of weather we've been having. I chalk it up to my C.O.P.D./Hay fever/Asthma.

Kinda sad and crazy for a cough to be "normal" eh?

Anyway we finally arrived at a room and she did x-rays. Gawd I hate x-rays. My mouth is small. They put the tool shown below in my mouth.

She had a white square of gauze attached to it and shoved (gently) into my little mouth. It was not an easy task. Alot of maneuvering was done to place it. Then I had to bite which causes my already poor gag reflex go awry as part of the tool is like a small breeze . I have learned to deal with such things but I promise it is not fun. My reflex was to gag full force. It hurts everything in my mouth. The assistant kept asking me if I was okay. I shook my head yes and with hand gestures told her to just do it and get it over with.

When I was a child my Mamma would say, "Just as well let them do what they gotta do and get it over faster. Because we are not going anywhere until it is done" I also knew I would get a butt whipping if I didn't cooperate. I could cry but not sob and scream like I've heard and seen other children too.

The girl was very compassion and patient. She had to stop for me to cough a couple of times . When I need to cough and try to keep it in it is worse when I finally let it go. I was a good girl and got through it.

Another assistant came in and replaced the other one. She was also nice, and compassionate.  I was beginning to feel comfortable and relax more. We talked about my medical history and drugs. I told her how my gums bleed every night when I brush and water pik. I reminded her that I take Aspirin as well. Then she said it...

She said she saw it in other patients with Autoimmune disorders and that in addition to that I have many other medical problems that has to do with my teeth and gums. She also said my inhaler and meds didn't help matters but we gotta do what we gotta do. I told her I knew about the periodontal disease but it just seems to stay, no matter how much I brush, floss and waterpik. I assumed it was the Aspirin causing me not to clot, which it is doing its job!

She explained to me everything I needed to know that NO ONE has ever told me. She asked if I thought about going to a Periodontist. I remember my mom bringing me as a child but otherwise no. She said we'll see what the dentist has to say. But she said for people like me with autoimmune disorder that could be a good thing so they could help me stabilize my gum disease.

She asked me who my previous dentist was. I know medical professionals don't like to say anything against their peers. I saw her grimace. I told her my experience with Dr P. She listened and shook her head like she has heard it before. After I was finished, she said, "OH I know what you are talking about. I've had patients from him." That is all that was needed to be said. I wasn't all that crazy after all.

As she started cleaning my teeth, the cough began.  I apologized. She said, "Don't worry about it. I know its your C.O.P.D." Finally, a person in a dental office who actually read and took in account my medical history and medication list. She emphasized that they had many patients with C.O.P.D. and autoimmune disorders.

She cleaned my teeth and debrided my gum with intermittent delays due to my coughing. She said it looked like I had good oral hygiene. She reiterated the autoimmune disorder is a factor in making it difficult to have healthy gums and teeth.

After she was finished the dentist came in. Dr C reinforced what her assistants said.  I had a cavity but we need to get the support (the gum) of my teeth stabilized first. She asked me if I would be willing to return in 2-4 weeks after swishing with an antibiotic rinse so she can see what kind of improvement occurs. And then we would go from there. Our main focus is to get my gums stabilized as much as possible. It may never be totally normal but we can get it in a good place. I was okay with that.

The way Dr C and her staff treated me and talked to me I walked out feeling reassured. My teeth and gums hurt like hell and they irritated my gag reflex to the point of me wanting to gag for the rest of the day but I feel like I am in a better place. I also had to pay a fee for the debridement and antibiotic rinse but I can handle $37.

I still hate the dentist but I think this one will make it less painful in every sense.

Meanwhile, my Hubby had been having a toothache and went to his dentist about 4 times in six months. The dentist took x-rays and kept saying there was nothing there he could see.

Well part of his tooth fell out and he went back. Finally his dentist sent him to an oral surgeon which we had to go to Baton Rouge 75 miles away.

When the oral surgeon did a CT scan he saw immediately what was wrong. He asked Hubby who was his dentist. He emphasized that the problem should have been found way sooner. He seemed a little disturbed.

Even I noticed something was wrong looking at the CT. Didn't know what it was but knew it was an abnormality.

What happened was part of the tooth worked its way into the gum, pretty much eroding the gum and root..making the tooth climb up into his SINUS cavity causing an infection. The had been having trouble with his nose stopped up and his snoring had worsened. Now we know.

We were royally ticked off. Understand, he went to a different dentist than I.  We were like what the hell is with all the dentists around here?

So Friday he is going in for an extraction of the tooth. Then he will need an implant.  The surgeon said if it was caught sooner, all he would have had to undergo was a root canal.

As I write this I am thinking, going to a dentist can go any way. They could lie to you about needing all kinds of treatment or they can miss the whole problem altogether. We understand Doctors/Dentists are humans and make mistakes. But Hubby went numerous times for the same problem. It should have been caught.

We have dental insurance but like most they cover only a portion except for the 'preventive'  So our tax refund is already spent.

But hopefully we are on our way to healthier choppers! I can't remember how I got that term for teeth...but anyway..until next time....

Thanks for dropping by.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Wallyworld: Adrenalin Kicks in With PotenitialThief

I often wondered how I would react if someone would try to attack or mug me. I don't think we really know until it happens.

Last week,  I was in Wallyworld looking for a Mother's Day card for my Mom. I am one of these people who has to read EVERY card until I choose one. I had my back leaning on my cart as I read.

I had noticed an older skinny scruffy looking gentleman,a little further down looking at the cards for wives.  I thought nothing of it because  people were walking all over, stopping etc. It's Walmart!

All of a sudden the man walks around to the front of the cart and starts walking away with my cart Luckily I wasn't leaning all the way or I would have lost my balance.

At first I was shocked and trying to figure out what just happened. Then I realized what was happening.

I yelled walking as fast as I could towards him. I am actually amazed I was able to catch up with him.

"Hey! What the hell?, I yelled!  I reached him and literally pushed him with my right shoulder, got in between him and reclaiming my cart shouting, "What are you doing? It is my cart! What the hell dammit! Get away!

I caught him off guard as he stumbled to the side. Catching himself to continue to stand upright he said, "I'm so sorry. I thought you were my wife standing there."Yea. Right.

I continued to look at him warily.  He apologized twirling his finger by his ear saying, "I am s cuckoo?"

I thought as I backed away from him, 'No crap! ' I couldn't figure out if he was telling the truth or not. I did not know if he was actually trying to steal my cart, or it was just an accident like he said.

He kept saying he was old and crazy. It was sorta creepy for me so I pushed my shopping cart walking backwards (And that is so very hard for me to do) because I didn't know what he would do if I turned my back. I got back to the Greeting Card Section.

A few seconds later he returned.  I leerily watched him. He was looking around saying more to himself he thought he had a cart but couldn't remember where it was. I immediately grabbed my car defensively defensively saying, "This is my cart!"

As I thought about it later, I realized how childish that could have sounded.

At the same time an employee was walking by and he heard him. I think he had seen the whole thing play out walking from the other side of the store. He looked down the aisle he was passing and said, "There is a basket down there."

The man trotted  and looked.  With a relieved look he exclaimed, "OH God, thank goodness! I thought I was going crazy." He got the cart and walked away talking to himself.

Maybe he thought my cart was his cart and made a mistake. It happens.  But I was thinking if he is that forgetful and "Cuckoo" maybe he shouldn't be alone in Walmart for his safety. Many people can prey on others like this gentleman. I wonder if his wife was actually in the store with him?

I thought later I now know how I would react and I think I did dang good. I was determined that he was not getting my cart. My adrenalin kicked in big time.

What do you think you would have done? What would you do if someone was trying to mug you or attack you?

Friday, May 10, 2013

Expensive Oil Changes

Yesterday, I was leaving to meet a college friend from Baton Rouge. We were going to meet at a restaurant we previously visited. However, when I started my car a warning light came on. It looked like a genie bottle and a wrench. So I looked in my supposedly handy dandy manual under warning signals but it did not have that picture, where I looked anyway. I called Hubby at work and he didn't know what I was talking about and suggested I don't drive my car until he looked at it.

I called my friend to tell her the news and I felt so bad. But she said she would come get me. She had never been to my house before so I gave her directions. She made it and we went to a different restaurant in my little town. I always enjoy visiting with her so it was a very nice time.

Of course the rest of my plans, going shopping for a few things was messed up because of no car. Gawd, don't you hate it when you have something planned and it is delayed? Arghh!!

Later when I returned home I started reading the manual and finally found the picture. It is change oil warning. Hubby hates "new" cars with 'warning' signals' to do things that are unnecessary, in his opinion anyway. But in order to get the warning light off we figure I need to do this. We did check the oil and we had plenty, but it did look yucky.

This morning I got up early ready to go change my oil and shop. I called Wallyworld to see how much they charge for oil changes. She said 26.88.

Have you noticed a lot of Walmart prices are not .99 but .88? Don't you just hate that? I say just give it a whole number and be done with it.


I had looked online and saw Goodyear about 30 minutes  away that had a special of 19.95 if I scheduled it online.  I went through the process and it said it would take 2 hours. I was wondering if it was worth driving  that far and through traffic in an area I loathe. Also make an appointment and have to wait for two hours? I don't think so.

So I thought maybe I'll pass by a few 5 minute change oil places that is less expensive. As I got on the highway I remembered there was a car wash/oil change nearby. When I arrived I  saw two Spanish employee standing around. One came up to my car and I asked how much the oil change was. He said 44.95!

I exclaimed, "Are you freaking serious? I thought Wal-mart was high."

The employee explains, "Its Pennzoil."

I retorted, "I don't care what it is, that is ridiculously high."

He shrugged and said, "You get a car wash too."

I said, "I don't care about the car wash. Can you give it to me for 27.00?" Hey, you don't know if you don't ask right? Of course he said no.

 I went along my way. I decided to go to the Mobile station where i used to go. The owner quoted $37.00 up to 5 quarts. I've been a customer with them for several years on and off. I suggested that we bargains. "Lets bargain. Walmart says $26.00. Can you give it to me for that price? He said he was sorry but no. I moved along.

I had to go to Wallyworld so I drove resigning myself to paying the 26.00 although hubby and I agreed that it was a tad high. I drive up and the guy said it would take 2 hours.

Do you see a pattern here in waiting time? I had to go into Wallyworld but sure as heck not for 2 hours. And if you read my blog, you know how much I despise the store. But what are you gonna do when they are cheaper?  So I turned around and parked and went do my business.

I came home and thought, this is ridiculous. Since I am in a little bitty town there is not much here. I figured it would be higher around here if there mechanics/oil changes nearby.

But I went back online and looked for oil change places going the other direction in Breaux Bridge. Actually I had thought about going there but their products at Wallyworld are more expensive than the one in Lafayette. I started calling and I found a place. It seems to be locally owned. She quoted me 25.77 but they were extremely busy today. I told her no problem as I didn't plan on going until Monday morning.

Guess where I will be Monday morning bright and early?

Stay tuned for my next post about a man who wanted to steal my shopping cart!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Mothers Day

It is so ironic that alot of mothers are stressing about what needs to be done for Mother's Day.  I thought Mother's Day was supposed to honor Mothers and give them a day of rest and dedication? Or at least a cooked meal that we don't have to bother with.

It can get sticky if you have multiple mothers in your family. For Example: There is My Sister, her mother-in-law and about 7 mothers in my brother in laws family. My sister also has a daughter in law and a daughter who are both mothers. Then there is my mom, Hubby's mom and one sister in-law on Hubby's family. And last but not least me.

It is usually at my Sister's house on my side of the family. She usually has her mother in law and maybe one or two of her brother/sister-in-laws) and have boiled crawfish or my brother in law barbecues.

By the way my brother-in-law makes some of the best BBQ ever.

For Hubby's mom, we usually take her eat out because our little apartment we were in was just too small to entertain.

My family (Mom, dad, daughter, sister and her family) use to go to Piccadilly and we all paid our own way. But Piccadilly is closed where most of them live and I doubt if they wanna drive all the way where I am.  Besides sometimes we just want to be in a private place to relax and be ourselves.

My sister called and said they were barbecuing and all of my brother in law's family will be there as well as mine, a total of 25 people.  I couldn't see her doing all of the sides so I asked her what to bring. I'm bringing my infamous potato salad. It's time consuming but I don't mind. She has a few others bringing other food. But you know its mostly mothers who will be doing the preparing.

I'm hoping as soon as we get furniture or at least the living room cleaned out I can take some of the stress off my sister for days like these. I think it would be cool to have my family and Hubby's family get together as they haven't met each other yet.

I remember my daughter was working on Mother's Day so she and I would go eat somewhere during the week. She also has her stepmother but we've had that worked out well. It's sorta understood that Mother's Day my daughter is mine. And Father's Day she is her father's. It is only fair right? LOL!

So what how does it work for all you mothers out there? Do you end up doing most of the work?

Monday, May 6, 2013

Disappointment In Priest's Response

As posted previously I encountered a tactless Priest a few weekends ago. It upsets me and I have thought about it ever since. It bugged me so much I knew I couldn't let it go. After talking to others and praying I came up with a plan. 

I did not want to resolve this with animosity or put him in an awkward position. But I did want him to know what he had done.

After mass this past weekend, Hubby and I lingered until there were a handful people left that were off to the side talking among themselves.  I made my move.

I walked up to the Priest smiling and as we shook hands I put my other hand over his and looked into his eyes.

"Hello Father, the other day you asked me why I walked the way I did,..." I began. 

He ended the eye contact immediately interrupting and retorted "Yes, I wanted to know if you were hurt." 

At that moment, I knew it was not going to turn out the way I had hoped. His body language and averting eyes showed me he wanted to me go away. 

Determined and attempting eye contact (but failing as he looked everywhere but at me) l  softly said "Well I want you to know that I have Cerebral Palsy. You can Google it if you are interested.  I was hurt and embarrassed when you loudly asked me in front of most of the congregation. I am telling you this because I do not want anyone else to feel like I did. "

He chuckled (Yes he chucked although awkwardly) and said, "That was not the way I meant." 

Someone walked pass and he turned to them leaving me standing there and started talking to them. I was dismissed I guess. I just stared at him for a few seconds and walked away.

I was so very disappointed. I felt like I had failed.

But I didn't fail. I had a mission to inform him how it affected me.  The results weren't what I expected but I was able to do what I had set out to do.

I had faith and hope that he would see his error and attempt to make it okay. But he did not even apologize.  Probably in his mind, he did nothing wrong.

Maybe as he did me, I caught him off guard. Maybe he was so shocked he couldn't think 

I pray that he at least gives it one more thought before he acts like that with another person. 

I also will not let it affect whether I go to church or not. I will  enter the church every weekend with my head up high.  I am not going to mass because of his. I am going spend time with God!

Through my life I have had realizations as most of us do.  One of them is sometimes as much as you try, some people don't always get it or they do not want to get it. Regardless, it is nothing on me as long as I did my best. 

I have a blogger friend, Lyndz who also has CP.  She recounted my story adding her own personal experience with her parents who are Pastors. Please check out her blog. She even asked followers to stop at my blog and give "me some love." She made me smile. But her story always pull at my heart strings. I think of what I went through with this Priest, and it is nothing compared to what she had to go through with her own parents. She described me as a "fellow soldier in the cerebral palsy trenches". What an analogy! I love it. I wholeheartedly think likewise about her.  Thank you so very much Lyndzy

Warriors with CP such as ourselves need to band together for support and not feel so alone. 

She also posted a video. I admit I am not into music nowadays  I only listen to it when I am in the car and that is usually a classic rock. But this video pretty much hits home.

Thanks to everyone who has commented and emailed me with your love, support and advice. It is appreciated greatly.  

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Messenger Brings Me Direction

I've been trying to write this since Sunday night but I just can't seem to pen my thoughts clearly.

I have always said God has his reasons for everything. He just takes his time in making me understand why. He gave me direction that I could not miss this weekend. Finally, at a faster pace. He usually takes his sweet ole time.

Hubby and I attended a Weekend Married Couple's Retreat. It was our second since we've been married 14 months ago. I've gone to the Women's Retreat several times through the years. I always come back refreshed, renewed and much closer to God.

In a previous post, I talked about my awkward experience with my Priest.  It has bothered me since. As my post showed I was embarrassed, angry and confused. But as time wore on the anger subsided. But I felt a need that I needed to do something. But what?

I do not want anyone to feel like I did with this person.

 I've had many of you responding with your suggestions and I am so grateful. Thank you for not just the advice but the compassion and love you have shown me.

I had a conference with the Jesuit Priest first. He is down to earth and actually has more realistic beliefs. Hubby and I are astonished how this elderly Priest has views that actually relate to the "real world'.  He is kind and funny. And he has given me sound advice and direction through the years.

However, I was disappointed when I asked for advice concerning this exchange between the Priest and I. I thought he was joking at first. But his solution was since the church had more than one door, to use the other door. Again, I was speechless. My thought was "hell no" but I nodded. 

After that conversation I really had to pray and reflect. 

That afternoon we had a conference led by the Directors of the retreat. The directors were a married couple, Gloria and Francis Vanderwall. Gloria shared her story of growing up with a disability (Polio) and how she was judged.  One of the points was to  be careful what you call people because it can be a lasting effect on the person. Yes, we have all heard it said many times. But we all have to remind ourselves on a regular basis. 

As I listened to her story, I realized how our lives were alike. We both had disabilities, her parents raised us similarly and we have the same distaste of the word "CRIPPLED." My view of the term "Crippled" is in a post I wrote here. My tear ducts filled as I listened. 

During my reflection and prayer after the conference I told Hubby I really needed to talk to her. I had to let her know she touched me and that she had made a difference.

I asked Hubby to come with me because when we go alone to the Directors or Priest during these retreats, we lose some things that were said. Something like two heads are better than one.

She and I talked mostly with Hubby listening and periodically adding his thoughts. It was heartwarming to hear some of the things Hubby said that I didn't realize he even saw or realized. I'll leave that for another post in the future.

As we talked we were both near tears because that pain we have from being called Crippled came to surface spewing.  I shared the situation with the Priest. I told her all the emotions I had felt.  Or so I thought.

Then she said, "You were hurt. It hurts."

WOW!  It was like a glass of cold water was thrown in my face. She was right. I never add hurt or pain when something like this happens. 

During reflection later I asked myself why have I seldom said it hurts? I think I know the answer. 

Subconsciously I think if I show the pain and hurt it makes me seem weak. Not to others but to myself. I do not want others to see how vulnerable I am. I do not want people to feel sorry for me.  

By the end of our session I felt the weight lifted off my heart and shoulders. You don't realize how you are stressed until it is lifted..  

I asked her for advice of how to handle the situation with the Priest. She told me unfortunately I will have to educate him. I knew that. I sometimes feel like I should not have to educate ignorant people. She, like so many of you,  advised to tell him exactly how I felt face to face. She helped me with a scenario that I can handle.  I m looking forward to addressing the Priest after mass. I will certainly post the outcome.

I firmly believe God made her his messenger for me. She helped me realize how I was actually hurt more than anything. How I have denied to admit it is hurtful to myself. I have to work on that and I can tell it is going to be a long road but then I know I can't fail because God is holding my hand.

These retreats give you a lot of time to reflect and pray. The silence makes you analyze everything about yourself.   God. Your relationship with God. Your spouse. Your marriage. Your life. Everything.

I wonder what would happen if someone called me a name and I responded, "It hurts when you say that." I instantly think there response would be either laughing it off or sheer embarrassment. Or maybe they don't really care. And if they didn't care, how would that affect me?  

I am human. It will always hurt. I do not want to deal with the insignificant ignorant people. But maybe  that is one of my roles God has given to me. To teach people compassion. Educate them on things they have no clue about.  Or at least try.

The important thing I have to remember is God Loves me. He loves me even with my sins. He loves me despite my limitations. I am one of his children. That is what I need to focus on.

I want to end with this. Before you open your mouth and call someone a name, any name. Stop. Think what kind of effect it could do to that person, for the rest of their life?  If you are curious about something, and have the need to ask what happened etc, do it discreetly and in a respectful way.