Friday, April 29, 2011

Enough Gatorade and Soup!

Disclaimer: This is a totally whining entry. I'm sorry but I am so frustrated. Not looking for sympathy. Do not want any sympathy. Just venting and I think if I write it down I'll figure it out. It's also about nausea and things associated with it so if you are one of those that can't talk about stuff like this, don't read! I understand.

Sunday it started. I cooked my Easter dinner and looked forward to it. When we sat to eat I only ate 1/3 of the little bit I had on my plate. I knew if I ate any more I would vomit. It was so frustrating. That evening I felt gassy and bloating.

Monday I woke up dry heaving every time I thought about food. I would try to think of the things I liked but I dry heaved with my tummy churning. I lived on drinking water. I couldn't bring myself to eat.

Tuesday it was same. My love came home with a Sonic Dr. Pepper but I couldn't enjoy it. However I was growing weaker.So I thought hard and decided to eat Mac and cheese. Well after I ate that I felt worse than before. I had hiccups like crazy.

Wednesday I drank more but I just couldn't get much down except water. I weighed myself and I was at 74.9. Let me explain my weight situation. Three years ago,I went from 112 lbs to 78. because of a year of nausea, loss of appetite and back pain. I just knew it was my ovary I had left.

But you know how insurance and doctors are. I have to say though my primary doctor was the best. He had to send me to specialists to rule out things. A whole year of pain, nausea, going through specialists and numberous tests, which were all assholes because they would not listen to me went by. The assholes were a GI doctor who told me eventually it was in my head and I was depressed (NO crap I am depressed with assholes like you who didn't believe me), the Urologist informed me one of my kidneys weren't functioning fully but he couldn't see the cause of the nausea, the GYN I went to did an ultrasound and said there was a little cyst, but 6 weeks later he said it was gone. I suggested to the GYN that it could be my ovary, he shrugged me off.

So I went back to my primary doctor, the best there is in my opinion because he listened. My weight was gradually declining, we tried several rounds of Prednisone to pick up my appetite but it didn't work. Finally he said I would need a exploratory laparotomy but it would be hard to find a doctor to do it without any sure evidence and with my history of blood clots some docs wouldn't touch me. However, he asked a colleague who was a Surgeon and a different GYN to do the operation. I saw both of them and I knew the surgeon was skeptical but they both told me there was no guarantee. I was okay with that because I KNEW there was something wrong.

I had surgery and my ovary was full of cysts that was adhering to my intestines which was in turn adhering to scar tissue I had from another surgery. So I was NOT crazy. The GYN told my mom and MyLove, I definitely had a reason to be in pain. After the surgery the pain went away. The only thing was to get my weight back up. I ate and ate and ate.

I know those of you who are always trying to lose weight will hate me but rest assured it is frustrating. I went up to 83. My primary doctor told me he was so worried about my weight before surgery. I wasn't gaining much weight, my goal was get to 100. I went through a few cycles of Prednisone with no resolution. We chalked it up to I'll gain the weight eventually. As long as I feel healthy (as healthy as I can be) we shouldn't worry about it as long as I don't lose.

Then comes Sunday! I had fixed our Easter dinner and was ready to eat. When we sat down, I could only eat 1/3 of the little bit on my plate. I was nauseous. That afternoon I felt lousy, mostly my tummy upset.

Monday I woke up and just the looks of food on TV made me queasy. I felt bloated and dry heaved. My meal was water as I couldn't think of anything appetizing.  I got down a taco that night and peanut butter egg. But right after I felt worse than I did before.

I'm one of those people when sickness hits, soups, toast, crackers and broths are just not my thing. Usually something creamy like mashed taters or mac and cheese is the best bet.

Tuesday: Same thing. Food on TV even nauseated me. I did get down a little Easy Mac. MyLove's sandwich I made made me dry heave. All this time I am living on water mostly. I was sitting on the toilet deciding if I was gonna crap or vomit, everything around me starting spinning and silver sprinkles were whizzing all over the room and my heart felt like it was pounding out of my skin.  I figured I was dehydrated and needed nourishment. That afternoon, MyLove came home with a Sonic Dr Pepper, my utmost favorite and I couldn't even enjoy that. I also was losing my voice.

Depression sets in. My clothes are looser.I get on the scaled and its 74.9.. Going into deeper depression..

WEdnesday whirls around and I'm depressed and frustrated. I call my GI doctor (Different one then the one that told me it was all in my head). They ask, "What is wrong?" I tell them, "Weakness, nausea and weight loss" She was new as I heard someone behind her tell her what to say. She says, "May 4, noon?"
Being spoiled with my primary doctor, I assumed it would be faster than that. I responded, "Huh?" She repeated. I had no choice really. I mumbled, "I guess so." She informs, "Wednesdays are the only day he comes to this office unless you want to go to N.I.? Then I understood! I figured I wouldn't be able to make it to N.I., 20 miles away. So I took it.

I found a can of chicken noodle soup that day and was able to eat most of it.

Thursday, some more soup and crackers. MyLove went to the store and bought some Gatorade and Homestyle Chicken noodle soup.

And here I am Friday. The brightest part of my life today is MyBabyGirl came to visit me. I ate some Homestyle Chicken Noodle soup and had Gatorade all morning. Good right? Not if you can't keep it down. It seemed everything I ate came right back up. This just totally sucks! I'm tired. I'm weak. I'm frustrated.

MyLove asked me if I thought I could wait until Wednesday? I truthfully told him I didn't know. All  I can do is take it hour by hour. I don't dare weigh myself again.

I've prayed to God to stop this nausea. I've asked him just to shoot me and get it over with! I've asked him, as I've done through the numerous occassions throughout my life, why does it take so much out of me to make my journey to him. A priest once told me that all our suffering paves a path to our eternal blissful life. Why do ordinary people have to suffer and there's theses criminals who seem to enjoy their way. I know it will be determined at the Pearly Gates but after 48 years, you just get enough!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Neighbors Move With a Bang

We found out the assissine neighbors are moving to another apartment around the corner which is fine with me. As long as they are not playing near my car or stomping on the stairs etc, I'm good. They better stay on their end.

We have witnessed the older grandson, which is about 12 years old, repeatedly getting in the car driving around the complex or drive back and forth into a parking space. Evidently he was given the keys. The first day his grandmother moved in we saw him driving. The dimwit grandparent and parents evidently knew because he would honk the horn with his little brother riding inside.

MyLove and I kept telling each other one day he was going to get into an accident. We were afraid he was going to go over the sidewalk into our living room.

Today, I guess he was trying to back up into a space across the street, However, when he turned to get straight before he put the car reverse he drove down a deep dip from the parking lot to a culvert . Yes folks! He went into the ditch! There is a fence he barely missed and a tree by inches.

We knew it was going to happen wondering if someone was going to be harmed in the process. Our maintenance men with a twin cab big ass truck attempted to pull the car out but it was going to ruin the bottom of the car so they left. 

The dimwit father finally arrived and stupidly tried getting it out but his wheels just swirled causing mud and leaves flying. An hour and a half later a tow truck arrives and he couldn't just pull it just like that without taking the bottom of the car out. So he made a telephone call. As they waited, the two trucker was asking the boy questions and after he sat down and never moved. Not moving is amazing in itself! LOL!

Maintenance men returned with a circular saw and plywood. They put the plywood under the car and finally got it out. The father signed the receipt.

So my question is will he get any reprimands for this? I seriously doubt it, the adults are just totally stupid. Did he learn a lesson? I doubt it. He is one of those smart ass kids that thinks he is all that. MyLove says he can picture him in a gang or in juvie by the time he is 18. I tend to believe he is right!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

We've Got Power--Easter Sunday-Dreams

As I've said previously, one of our neighbor's grandkids and kids were driving us nuts. Neighbors Are Stupid explains it all. Well yesterday, we noticed people were bringing stuff down including mattress and headboards. We couldn't believe she was actually MOVING because of our complaint. We believe they moved to another apartment down the street. We weren't requesting her to leave. When we talked to the manager, we told her that there was nothing against the neighbor, it was just her family who did not live there but came nearly every day with their loudness.

I guess that since she is moving, her sassy-needs-his-butt-spanked grandchild thought they were moving anyway and stomped up and down this morning. Once, he was walking down and he dropped his X-box. I know its Easter and I should be nice but I thanked God for paying back that brat. The X-Box didn't break into pieces but it surely slowed him down.

At last! We don't have to pay worry about our cars or stomping up and down. God answers.

My BabyGirl and her girlfriend came. The roomie didn't come. My meal came out great although I hardly ate anything. I don't know what it is with me lately but my appetite is gone. You know how you eat something and it feels like its only growing...well that's how it is for me. I am sorry. I know that was gross.

MyLove, Babygirl, Girlfriend and I had a nice get-together. They seemed to enjoy it. I was telling the Girlfriend my experiences with God to explain to her why I believed in him and my daughter started crying. I hate doing that to her.

When Layla was conceived I asked God to make her my miracle baby. She didn't have to be perfect, afterall, who is? He answered my prayer and gave me my Babygirl. When she was born, when I prayed I asked God to please let me live until she graduated high school. He answered the prayer.

She once told me after she graduated I need to ask him to keep me for her on the earth until she graduates college. I pray and ask him but I know if something would happen to me, she would do just fine.

Anyway, we talked about other stuff, it was a great day and I got to know her girlfriend more. She is such a great person.

I've been through alot with Layla and her boyfriends then girlfriends and I can say she is one of the best she's dated.


As usual I've been having weird dreams but haven't written them down.

Last night I had a dream that my Ex was chasing me with a lamp shade with a sword at the end. He was chasing me around a big round table I've never seen before. I haven't seen the lampshade or sword either, that I can recall.

I was throwing bowls, plates, everything I could grab, to delay him. It worked for some time but right when he was going to catch me, I woke up.

This afternoon, after the girls left, I sat her and fell asleep for a short nap and all I can remember is a glass falling and as I was trying to catch it, it kept falling. Go figure!

Hope everyone had a safe and great Easter weekend!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Happy Easter--Random Stuff

I hope everyone has a safe Happy Easter! My whole family usually doesn't do anything special since the kids are older but my sister's birthday is usually around that time so we have her b'day party in between. However, my sister said we would just wait until her hubby comes home from Brazil because he wants to cook something for everyone.

I usually cook a little roast but I decided something different. I cooked pork shoulder Thursday. I am going to cook spaghetti and meatballs with  green beans, garlic bread and deviled eggs.  My daughter, her girlfriend and roommate are coming.

One thing I do miss. I miss Layla and I dying eggs and having a Easter Hunt. That was so much fun. She is too old now.

MyLove and I  went Easter shopping. Can't say what I bought for in case my daughter reads her Facebook, another place I write a 'blog'.

When we were checking out a lady had just as much as we did. MyLove, trying to make conversation, asked her if it was all for her or kids. She looked embarrassed and said some of both. MyLove laughs and says most of ours is for us. I scolded him for embarrasing that poor woman! I took out the jar of spaghetti sauce I was looking at the servings. One serving to them is 1 tbsp and there are 50 servings for jar. I had to laugh because how many people eat one tablespoon of spaghetti? This spaghetti sauce is so delicious. It's called Cajun Power. It's all natural ingredients with 2% fat and 4% dietary fiber. We usually use Hunts Traditional tomato sauce that has a helluva lot salt and perservatives.

It's a shame all holidays for Jesus are so materialistic and people seem to forget the reason. Jesus was crucified Friday and Easter Sunday is the day of his Resurrection in my faith. I've heard various believes involving Paganism, Jewish, etc.

Isn't it ironic that the government wants to take "In God We Trust"  off our currency, they don't want to say the Pledge in schools or elsewhere, they won't allow prayer in schools and elsewhere, however, they have the weekend off. Go figure. That's our government for us!

Have a Wonderful Safe Easter!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Sister's Birthday

Today is my only sister's birthday. She is 52. She probably wouldn't appreciate I said this but she doesn't read my blog anyway. I don't think anyway LOL.

She is my only sibling and God has blessed me! She has put up with me for 48 years. She sat on the back burner when my parents were dealing with me. She had to go without a mom when mom was with me in hospitals.

She was always there for me and I never felt an ounce of resentment towards me. As a matter of fact I remember when I was the typical pesky sister when I was mobile. When I was bedbound after surgeries, I remember mom opening the window so I could see the neighborhood kids and she alot of times stayed near where I could watch with her friends.

I remember every day anticipating as I watched through the window waiting for her to come up the hill after school. I knew she had a bag of potato chips for me. A couple of times, the machine was out. But I could count on her.

When I had to have major surgery right after Layla was born she stepped up, and took care of my child while Mom took care of me at the hospital. She would drop her off with her child at the babysitter, pick her up in the afternoon, fed her, changed diapers, everything for her then after a long day's work she would bring my baby to the hospital so I could see her every day. She gave me a peace of mind that my child was taken care of.

I remember all the times we spent on the telephone with our problems, she was there for me every time. She heard me cry, laugh, worry etc.

I know at the drop of a hat she is there for me when I need her. I think she is the best sister God could ever give to me.

Happy Birthday Mel!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Neighbors are stupid

MyLove and I live in an apartment complex. I moved here with him. It seems we can't get intelligent people as neighbors. I understand this is an apartment complex and kids will be around, loud etc. But there is NO playground around here. It's all complexes and parking spaces for the lessees. The lessee parks whereever. MyLove and I tend to get two spaces right in front of our apartment. If those spaces are filled, no problem we park in the other 3-4 spots over or park on the other side.

However, I really have a problem with kids and adults playing frisbee or football right in front of my car, hitting it several times. We have a neighbor upstairs on the other side that has sons, daughters and grandkids that stay in her 2 bedroom apartment. Both of our apartments are carbon copy so how does 3-4 adults and 3-7 kids live there, if they do I don't know. I don't think they all live there all the time but it sure as hell seems so.  The lessee moved here about 5 months ago and she did say to let her know if her grandkids gave us any problems.

I've already asked then yelled at the brats  for climbing on MY bench that is right outside my door. They know it's not theirs! I also yelled at them for playing Frisbee and football by MyLove and I's cars. I've witnessed the balls and Frisbees hitting our cars. Luckily nothing has broken yet.

Today, her bald son, out of shape daughter and two kids were playing Frisbee right in front of the parked cars, OUR cars. Remember from my previous post, we have a breeze today as well! Well I saw the frisbee skip onto MyLove's Car sliding onto my car stopping on the hood.

I stuck my head out the door and yell, "Ya'll need to NOT play in parking lot near my car!

Baldy with stupid look: "What?"

I yell and pointed around the corner near their car, "Go play over there!"
Female resident who works in office and lives upstairs: "They can play there, its the street!" I wish I could come up with comebacks immediately. Later I thought I should have asked her if she saw any signs indicating it was a street. However, I couldn't think that fast.


Female responds, "Well don't park there!" Is she an idiot or what? She is telling me NOT to park in a perfectly marked parking space?

I gave up because some people are so stupid! They continued to play.

But the office will get a visit from MyLove (Since he owns the lease.) tomorrow. Not dealing with that bitch.

Last time we had problems they told us to write a formal complaint so here it is:

April 17, 2011

Dear Manager,

We are writing a formal complaint.

We live in Apt 513 and can't seem to have a quiet life here anymore.

I've seen adults and children playing Frisbee or pitch and catch with a football in the parking lot in front of our apartment near cars. We've already asked the kids before to stop playing near our cars previously.

Today, we watched two adults and 2 children from the top apartment on the opposite side of ours. We think the lessee is an employee at the office. I witnessed the people throwing the Frisbee with the Frisbee hitting both of our cars numerous times. When I saw the Frisbee land on our car I opened the door and told them to stop playing there. The people who were playing looked at me confused. An unknown voice from the top of the stairs announced that they could play, its a street. I assumed it was the lessee. I protested and informed them all that it was a PARKING LOT and they're hitting my car. She mumbled something. I saw I was not getting anywhere so I came back in the apartment and decided to write this complaint. They continued to play and seemed to ignore our requests.

We've seen this activity repeatedly. We understand kids need a place to play but why does it have to be near our cars in the parking lot or by our window? In the past few months we just can't seem to get quiet and peaceful living with kids stomping up and down the stairs, yelling by our windows, both adults and children playing in the parking lot with fear of them hitting our cars. If our cars are damaged the question would be who would be liable?

Also, we thought there was a loud noise ordinance. We continuously hear loud music from cars as they come and go throughout the complex. Some people sit in their cars with blasting music for several minutes. However,by the time the cops would come they would be back in their apartments and its usually after the office is closed. You never heard from us until a couple of months ago. We respect others property and peaceful living, why can't ours be respected as well?

I request management to remind all residents what constitutes peaceful living and specify to not play near cars. I would think it would be a safety issue as well. And if residents proceed to do these activities who will be responsible for damages.

Thank you for your attention to this complaint and look forward to your reply whether it be recommendations or management resolving the issue by speaking to residents.

So there it is..We shall see what they say and what happens. All I know is they need to stop it!


Mowing the Lawn

Well is it lawn when its 3 acres of land with a tiny shed? This past week MyLove asked me if he waited to mow his land this weekend, if I'd go help him. I went a few times but wasn't comfortable because that land was community property between he and his ex that had to be settled. Since he signed the papers and the lawyer has them and they are waiting to go through court I felt a little better about going help him.

Usually he takes a couple of hours to weedeat or mow half after work and does the half the next week. He thought it wouldn't be so bad since we didn't have much rain. Our plan was I would do a section and he would weedeat.

When we got to his 3 acres we're like, "Holy Sh-t"! There were little cactus like plants sporadically with what looked like cotton growing on the sides. The grass was about 2 feet tall and it looks like all kinds of grass, partof it was white and brown which reminded me of wheat but it wasn't.

His little shed he has on there is down. It was a rickety shack with crap he didn't know what he had in there. It finally fell after a large storm but there is a big pile of boards with termites now. 

I got on the lawnmower and he went over the controls with me. He has to fix the seat to bring me up more so I can reach the brake although I can't press the brake hard enough to start it. he pressed the brake and I turned the key and it came on, put the throttle up, put the cutter down and pulled into 3rd gear and I was on my way.

I am so glad I brought my mask. There were dust, grass ant piles blowing all over. I ended up doing about 2.9 acres since the other 0.1 was across the street by the bayou that is a forest of trees and shrubs. He did all the weedeating. Oh! And the weather was so nice with the breeze. I even got me a small tan and we got to wash off my car.

We were hungry and thirsty so we decided on a Chili Hot Dog from Sonic, french fries and their delicious drinks. Of course, I got my Dr. Pepper and he got a Hi-C Punch.

After I ate I couldn't stand the dust and dirt in my hair and everywhere so I took a hot shower. When I pulled my shirt over my head, a wind of dust and grass followed. I was sneezing like crazy.

I'll probably pay for it tomorrow or the next few days with my allergies but it was fun. It reminded me of  when I would cut the grass on our land with my ex. It wasn't half of what I cut today but I liked doing it.

Now we don't have to worry about it for another 2 weeks!

Thursday, April 14, 2011


I love to read novels. My favorites are real inspirational and mysteries. I seldom read a book in one day because of distractions or wanting to do something else.

Today I decided to start "Against Medical Advice" by James Patterson and Hal Friedman. I couldn't put it down and read the whole book. It's a true story about a child having Tourette's Syndrome and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. It tells the trials and tribulations of the boy and his family.

As I read I laughed and cried with what he went through. Everyone who has a disability that reads it can have empathy for this boy..I know I did. Those who don't have disabilities you will be inspired just as much.

I could so relate to the feeling like an outcast but I can't imagine not having total control of your actions and what you say. I knew some people with CP where they kept moving and jerking and always admired them for some reason.

I won't spoil it for you and tell you everything about it. I usually don't write about books I read but this one was extraordinary. Do read and enjoy!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Yesterday morning I woke up and planned my next couple of hours. I was going to go to the Post Office to check the mail and mail a home-made Get Well Soon card to a daughter of a former classmate then I was going to go to Winn Dixie to get the last day of the particular sale. After I was going to go to the Produce Market to get MyLove some tomatoes and other fruit and vegetables. He is getting DT's from no veggies.

So I get into my car, take down the sun visor, turn my ignition and nothing happens. I checked to see if I left the lights on and nothing. So I attempt again and again and again. If you remember about 4 months ago I spent a grand on my 2000 Saturn. So I sat in my car banging on my steering wheel, like it would help. I tried a couple more times before I gave up.

You know when things are smooth sailing, or so you think, and then bam something happens?! I was distraught all day.

My baby girl came see me. Well she didn't actually come see me. What would be the odds she would come see me 3 times in a week? I had written to her on Facebook that I had bought her some pasta and Gardettoes. She was on her way to her dad's to visit him, oh wait..not him..but her stepmother. But she likes to say she is going see her dad just so she doesn't feel guilty about excluding her dad.

Right after she left, MyLove came home and checked my car. He is absolutely not a mechanic or jack of all trades. He thought it was my battery. There is this steel bar across my battery to keep in place. Of course, we didn't have the specific socket or wrench to fit and where the screw was it was hard to get to. With a lot of grunting and cursing, he finally got one side undone. We were able to move the bar to the side and get my battery out.

We get in his car, older than mine and a Nissan, and it wouldn't start. He's been having trouble with his car and looking for a newer one. Luckily, after a few tries it started!

We make our way to Auto Zone. They tested it and they said it is 1%. They could try to charge it for an hour or buy a new one. I would have waited. But MyLove suggested I get a new one since that is one thing I haven't changed. So after being $82 broker my car now runs.

Yesterday Big Brothers Big Sisters called me for an interview appointment. I was excited.

I went to my interview this morning and it was nice. I have never been to an interview where I feel so relaxed. I answered all of her questions and I decided to be a Site-based Big Sister which entails me going to the child's school an hour a week to spend time with my Little. The interviewer introduced me to all the case workers and match maker.  It is going to take time to match me because since it is school based, they don't start a match until the beginning of school so I will have to wait until school starts in the fall. I am so excite and can't wait.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Grocery Shopping not for Short People

Yesterday I went to Wallyworld for major grocery shopping. It reminded me why I wait for MyLove to come with me most of the time. I was dead tired after plus my after effects of shingles didn't help either.

My question is why do stores put items on the TOP shelf which is usually taller than the average person? MyLove, who works in retail has told me repeatedly all the various reasons. It takes more space. They put the higher prices on lower shelves. Blah! Blah! Blah!

So I make my way down the aisles getting my items easy enough. Until I got to the hashbrowns freezer. There were hash browns stacked in 3 rows with four on each tightly packed in the back. I can barely grab them when they are in the front!

I looked around me and no one was around. I do lay my pride aside alot and ask a friendly stranger taller than me to get it. I have not met one person who said no. I graciously thank them.

But yesterday, no one was around. Not one worker. Not one stranger. What was I to do? There were no other brand or size like the one I wanted.

I opened the cold door and put one leg up onto the bottom of the freezer and pulled myself up. I reached to the back but they were so tightly packed together I was pulling and wiggling them attempting to work them out.

Right when I got one loose I heard someone yell, "MA'AM! Don't do that!"

I totally ignored the yell and clamped onto the hash browns, putting one foot down to get back on the floor. I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder. She is so lucky she didn't get back slapped! I turned my head towards the worker concentrating getting my other foot down and  she rambled, "Ma'am, you are not suppose to do that!"

I responded, "Well, I didn't see anyone, there is no step stool and ya'll keep shelving sh-t to the back or top where SHORT people can't get to.

She huffily exclaimed, "Well, you need to not do that because of liability. I huffily responded, "Don't worry yourself over it, if I would have gotten hurt I wouldn't have sued you.

She suggested, "Next time, find an employee to assist you. I argued, "No one was around. I did look."

She was exasperated as I continued, "Why is that stores shelve stuff on the top and the top is not an average person's height? Do you NOT want to sell products to the average consumer?

She stammered, "We wish our customers not climb on shelves." I just shook my head in exasperation and walked off with my hash hbrowns.

It was nearing noon and I smelled their chicken. I went and asked for 12 wings of the spicy and 12 wings of the regular with a pound of potato wedges. The Deli-Lady informs me that when I want to order that many I need to call first. I couldn't believe what she had just said and questioned, "HUH?"

She points at her tray and says, "You are taking all the chicken, we are going to have to cook more. My first thought, G-rated style, "So what?" However, I just stared at her with my mouth probably opened. Why can't I think of a witty remark at the TIME?

She coaxed, "Ma'am?" I said, "What?" She inquired, "How many?" I said slowly "12 spicy, 12 regular and potato wedges.

She commands, "Hold on" and went to the back. I heard her shouting, "Cook some more wings because a little girl is buying them up." I thought, "Little girl?"

She comes back and makes my order, slides them to me like she is in an assembly line and says, "Have a nice day!" I wanted to say, "Screw You" in a worse way.

At least the cashier was nice to me. He put my 12 packs of DP and 7 up in my basket, was courteous and nice.

I wonder if all us short people, 5' and under would boycott Wallyworld if they would be  nicer to us. :) Just give us a stool. I remember those days. There was always a step stool on every aisle or every other aisle in grocery stores. I know alot of people ruined it for us suing for slipping or falling.

Might start going to Winn Dixie. They are closer, they bag your groceries, put them in the cart and ask if I need help to bring them to the car. They're nice and friendlier than grumpy Wallyworld

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Baby Girl Promised me a Kangaroo.

I always wanted to visit Australia to see the kangaroos, koalas and their luscious land.

 Today my baby girl (She is no longer a baby but she'll always be MY baby) came visit me this afternoon. It was so nice. We just chatted and hung around here. We were clowning around and talking about when I getold et. She knows my ultimate dream about visiting Australia. As we watched TV we saw kangaroos and other animals. She promised me that after she gets her college degree and establishes herself she will get me a kangaroo so I can ride in his pouch. I have never heard of a person riding in a kangaroo's pouch but hey just her stating she would do that for me, just warmed my heart. I love her so much.

For the young parents out there who are having growing kids and have difficulities or may do so in the future, my advice to you is never give up and always let them no matter what, you are and will always be there for them. They do grow up and show you that you didn't parent so bad after all.

Also, for lunch, MyLove, brought my parents and I to a mexican resturant. It was a nice outing. Food and conversation was awesome.

Yellow Gelled Inhaler Dream

I've had some pretty weird dreams the past few nights but when I come to write them, I forget.

Last night I had a dream I was with this young girl who was pregnant. I was sick with asthma and trying to get a doctor to see me but no doctor would see me except a Dr. H. He is my Gyn currently.

When I arrived at his office, he asked me a lot of questions like what my other doctor would give me for that illness. I told him an antibiotic and Prednisone. Instead he gives me an inhaler.  When I opened it, the canister was full of yellow gelled jello if you can visualize that. I thought, "I can't inhale this", so I decided to eat it. When I put in my mouth to eat it, it became hard and it was difficult to swallow. It was very sweet. I told him this and he said I have to be admitted to the hospital.

The pregnant girl trailed me the whole way of admission etc. I get to the hospital room and they brought me breakfast. I looked at the clock and saw it was 11:30. I said, "Lunch will be here soon". I uncovered my breakfast tray and it was gross to me. There were some slimy fried eggs, a link of breakfast sausage and another link of sausage but it was longer and fatter.  I pushed it way when Dr. H came in. He asked what was wrong with the breakfast. I informed  him it was gross. He asked if he could have the big sausage. I said, "YES." So he eats my sausage.

Scene changes....I am in the all and a nurse practitioner came and asked what was I doing with the Quack. I informed her he was my doctor. She questioned why I have a gyn instead of a pulmonologist. I told her he was the only one who would see me. She argued he was a Quack and I shouldn't see him anymore.

I woke up.

Analysis: The only think that makes any sense is when I said he was the only one who would see me. I read on FB status that someone had to wait until June to see an ENT. The rest? Who knows!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Big Brother/Big Sisters-edited

I'm editing this post because I found errors LOL.

I stay home alot since well...I can't work in my chosen doctor  permanently disabled me. I have a significant other but he works and lately its been late. My daughter is on her own so I am here alone alot of the time. The walls of this apartment sometimes begin to close in and I need to get out.

So I started thinking what can I do that costs no or little moulah that can feed my nurturing craving. I sit here and think of the years I worked and how I loved the patients. I was a geriatric nurse. The elderly are so cute. I always said they were old bodies with young minds.

I searched online and in the newspaper with MyLove's blessing. I came up with Big Brother/Big Sisters program. I read alot on the site but was concerned about them accepting me as a volunteer due to my disability. So I wrote to them and the responder told me they took anyone who had a good heart and willing to commit. He listed orientation dates.

I asked my daughter before I went how she felt about me being a "BIG". She said she thought it was okay.

Although she moved with her daddy before she went on her own a couple of years ago, I've been having this nurturing need of late. I just miss her and the things we used to do.I definitely am not trying to replace her being a BIG. Those who know here knows no one can ever replace my baby girl.

Thursday night I went to orientation. A case worker just went over a packet which most of it was what I read online. It's a justifiable long process to become a "BIG". My next step is wait for them to call me for an interview. They do a criminal background check and absolutely check  references.

I am ready to make a difference in a little child's life. The case worker said most come from low income homes and abused. My goal is to be a friend to the child and make a difference in their life.

Let me explain the program is.

There are two ways to meet my Little. The Community Based and the Site Based.

The Site Based is a commitment for a school year. You meet your Little at the school during a non core subject and spend 45 min every week with your Little. We can talk, play games, read a book etc.

The Community Based is a commitment for one year with minimum of twice a month for at least an hour meeting your Little.

I think I may start at the Site Based and go from there. Site based can be converted to Community Based.

What's good is you can be a friend to a child in need. We are close contact with the case worker, child and parent.

The case worker also went through statistics of child abuse. I knew it was bad but it is scary.

It is estimated that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in six boys will be sexually assaulted before the age 18. That is so sad. I figured it this way. My child has two best friends, one out of those 3 girls could be sexually assaulted.

Abuse is done through manipulation, deception and bribery. It leaves the child feeling its her fault. How I know this so well especially manipulation and bribery.  I shiver thinking my child and I suffered through it but I think we are stronger for it.

85% of abuse cases, females are victims. that leaves 15% males. Regardless, its a disgrace!

Children rarely lie about being abused.

This is quite interesting: Abusers are not mentally ill. Only 10% of abusers suffer from serious mental illness or psychosis. I always said they were sick or a screw loose. Evidently most are not. Makes me wanna cry.

Approximately 84% of the child sexual abuse in the US is perpetrated by an individual familiar to the victim. Less than 20% of the abuses are strangers. That is scary to know someone near you could abuse your child, isn't it?

Children sexually abused between 8 and 11 are the largest percentage. Innocent children!

30% of sexual abuse involves alcohol abuse.  That is no real surprise.

And last but not least: The individuals who have experienced abuse seldom tell of the abuse. That's really sad and upsetting.  I sure hope if my child was, she would come tell me.

They told you signs of abuse and what to do. Quite interesting.

I'm looking forward to get a Little although I may have to wait until the school year begins again in September. But that's okay.

Ahh this is a much better post than the previous one.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Afternoon Outing

I picked up my daughter at her apartment and we made our way to see Andrew. I am his great aunt. He is two weeks old and adorable. He has dark eyes and a head of black hair. He reminds me of a compact doll or some reason. So tiny. He had just finished eating and was burping. I held him for a while than gave him to my daughter. She held him for about 1 minute and he started crying. He does not like to be handed from one to another.
He is adorable wouldn't you say?

Sunday, April 3, 2011

My Baby GIrl

My Baby Girl Visited Today

I remember when she used to hate me calling her Baby Girl , Munchkin or all the cute names mothers call their children. From the time she was born until she was around 9 years old I would kiss her and hug her all I wanted and she loved it.

Then the pre-teens and teens came and she did not want me hugging, kissing or calling her cutsie names. I still did it but she would get mad and keep the hugs and kisses more to herself. She was so selfish then "SMILE". Imagine!. Her not wanting to give the one person who gave birth to her any kisses and hugs! It hurt my feelings. Everyone around us told me it was only a phase.

THANK GOD or WHOEVER, everyone was right!

She is now an 18 year old adult, college student. She just stands and lets me hug and kiss her all I want! And I do realize she is patient with me sometimes because when I get her in my arms I don't want to let go. I am grateful she gives me those moments. I need those moments more than she will ever know.

We sit on the floor like we used to and just talk or I spoil her more and rub her back. We actually have a conversation every time we see each other. Sometimes I just sit and listen to what she has to say. She is such an intuitive kind hearted soul.

When she leaves sometimes I'll sit and sigh. A happy sign. She will succeed in life. She will be happy. I love her with all my heart. She is still my Rock.

Friday, April 1, 2011


I just finished reading a story by another blogger that was heartbreaking. She described her childhood friendship with her cousin to adulthood. It was somewhat a roller coaster as they were growing up. However as adults they were working things out and then a tragedy occurred. The cousin's boyfriend attempted suicide with the cousin there.

I can't imagine that feeling of having someone you love and cared for trying to or succeeding in killing themselves. Admittedly, at one time I considered suicide as an 'easy way out' and 'selfishness". Until I went near that deep unending abyss contemplating the same very thing.

I know a few friends whose spouses committed suicide, some peers' parents committed suicide and even a neighbor. I felt for the ones who were left behind. Anger because dammit I thought they were thinking of themselves. They are. They want to get out of that damn hell hole they are in whether it be financial, mental illness, relationships, self-hate, whatever.

One should never judge as I did and so many others. What goes through the mind of those who contemplate suicide is their own personal experience with the demon. It is a very dreary deep feeling you have. It is indescribable. I've known it once in my life and never wish it on anyone else nor want to ever go there again!

Let me remind you, I am no expert. These are just my thoughts and experience.

I remember that day I contemplated suicide. My self esteem and self confidence was nil. When I sought treatment later, the psychologist was both worried and awed because he said with all my past medical history, he was surprised I didn't get help sooner.

I thought how I would accomplish suicide

Ways:   Gun (I would have to find one). Stab (I couldn't do it), Hang (I was too short to reach the rope high. LOL)  I resolved my choice was overdose. I had the meds to do it.

When: I knew for sure that I didn't want to see my child or parents or sister see the aftermath. I really wanted to do it right before my now-ex came home and see what he helped me do. I wanted to SHOW him that I was done and it was his fault. He would have know because I would have written him a letter.

However, I had my daughter, who ultimately saved me from doing anything spontaneously.

I was climbing the walls one day, putter pattering all over. I couldn't keep still. I couldn't get on the computer. I couldn't do housework. I couldn't pray. I had to get out of the house. So I left. As I got into my car the very thought of speeding and going off the road occurred to me. After all, there were winding roads and bumpy roads to make me over correct at a fast speed and run off the road. But I made it to the church. 

I believe God steered me to it.

My heart was beating hard and fast. I sobbed uncontrollably. When I pulled onto the door to my Savior's home anticipating some kind of relief, it wouldn't budge. It was locked! I pulled numerous times screaming uncontrollable, "OPEN! DAMMIT" Yelling at God to open the damn door!  It didn't open and no one answered. I ran, yes literally ran to the priest home on the side, knocked on his many doors but again no one answered. I didn't even notice his car wasn't there until I was leaving.

God had failed me, I thought. Maybe he wanted me in his kingdom.

I remembering pressing my hands over my ears sobbing and screaming, falling onto a rocker by the door rocking for I don't know how long. I cried and cried asking myself what am I doing? I can't leave my baby. My baby can't think I didn't love her. But I couldn't take it anymore.

I couldn't take now-ex's abuse, his temper, the look of hate on his face when he looked at me anymore I was tired of feeling helpless and unloved by a man that I gave my all to just to be knocked down. I was tired of not knowing how he would be when he came home. I was tired of being treated like shit. I was tired of my mistakes being thrown at me. I was tired of being controlled on how much I had to spend on our daughter's needs. My needs didn't matter. 

Out of the clear blue sky, the thought that my Granny was buried somewheres in that cemetery. I love and her miss her so.  I walked into the cemetery and searched. I found her plot and sat on it. My body trembled as I cried talking to her aloud. I told her spirit all my problems and I wanted to see her again. I wanted to be off this earth NOW. I wanted to be in her arms. I didn't want to live anymore.  I have had enough!

Suddenly a huge wind came over me and a thought occurred to me. I can't leave my baby and certainly not with him. Then and there I knew I had to get help. Finally, all the weight I had on my shoulders lifted off. I drove safely home, called my now-ex's insurance and asked how I could get help. They worked remarkably fast after being told I was contemplating suicide. I was seen by a therapist a couple of days later. I still say to this day, my baby girl was my reason for trying to move on as well as Jesus and Granny sending messages through the wind.

So, I often wonder what brought the men and women who went through with the suicide to get to the point of doing it. They had families who cared for them and loved them as mine did. What was different? I don't know. I dare not say I was stronger because I wasn't. I was lowest of the low. None of my family knew this nor do they know now. Well after I post it some may read it and it'll spread like wildfire. So be it. That WAS my life. I didn't want them to know then.

I slowly found my way out of the unending abyss. I already had that one reason to live. My Daughter. I fought depression for years. I was on medication for a while.

But I left the situation after building myself up, found a new life and love and don't see going back to that deep hole ever again.